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January 17 - Hindsight is 20/20 Journaling Challenge

Here is mine. Word count is 427. Journaling below.



A lesson learned late is still a lesson learned.

The label, “cute,” has been pinned upon me at least a thousand times. Most of the time, people mean it in a positive, slightly pleasant way. I have a lot to be thankful for in that I wasn’t teased or bullied for my looks or body type in school. The label grated on me; I didn’t want to be cute. I envied the more popular girls in school who had labels like “pretty,” or “gorgeous,” or “stunning” or “sexy.” I longed to be any or all of those things. Alas, in the perception of others, I fell into the same category as fuzzy bathroom slippers.

Adulthood has been much of the same. Even though I am beautiful and sexy and amazing to one person, my husband of 23 years, the ghost of cute still haunts me off and on. I remember trying several times for specific looks and still getting the feedback from others of, “You look so cute!”

I shouldn’t care. Intellectually, I’ve known that I shouldn’t care, but I saw other things inside of myself besides this one thing that others kept telling me I was. Knowing is different than feeling, however. Rather than letting the label slide off, I let it stick to me and I let others’ opinions matter more than my own.

In 2019, I had the privilege of attending a five-day human dissection lab where we dismantled three bodies, layer by layer. It was fascinating! In addition, I thoroughly appreciated the way our lab director, Gil Hedley, framed our exploration. Each body was a gift. Each body was “right” and “appropriate” and “perfect” and “beautiful,” no matter the shape, the age, the scars, the marks of living. Each body had lived and laughed and loved and cried and ultimately, died. And each was a perfect example of the human form.

The morning of my second day of dissection, waking up and walking naked to the shower, I caught a fast glance of my reflection in the bathroom mirror and I thought, “I am beautiful.” But it wasn’t just a thought. It was a feeling of self-appreciation, self-acceptance, and love that I don’t ever express to myself. I’m not one to stand in the mirror and affirm myself, ever, and yet this feeling just bubbled up out of nowhere, and I started to cry. Of all the things I learned spending five days with a scalpel,this was probably my biggest lesson.

Hindsight is 20/20. I am beautiful, and I’ve been beautiful all along.
 
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Elisa, I love you, my dear <3
here you go... 400 and something words when I put it through the word counter, I added 3 sentences in the end in the actual page as visually it was un-balanced, but doesn;t alter the meaning of the journaling ...the transcript is in the gallery in my page description as not sure you ll be able to read from the LO- Awesome subject , thanks for hosting my lovely!!!!!!
 
Working through commenting on page 8 right now! Hopefully I'll get through all pages this weekend!
 
Word count 207

As a young couple, we were cash poor but rich in love and energy. We brought our first newborn home to a studio apartment stuffed to the brim with all the things that come with a baby! While I worked part time and Chip working 2 jobs, we made every dollar stretch. Sometimes it was frustrating when we found ourselves wishing for more room in our finances, but we looked for ways to make due. We clipped coupons, bought 50 packages of newborn diapers on clearance for $1.00 a pack, carpooled, I worked temporary jobs: election worker one day a year, babysitting, office management, bulk mail for advertising campaigns. During those early years of our family, I regretted not having more cash to have the freedom to do "fun" things. After 27 years and realizing that hindsight is 20/20, I long for the days when the kids were my constant companions and we felt indulgent when the cookie shop at the mall was selling their treats at clearance. Sometimes when we think we are lacking something, we find we are at our most resourceful. Experiencing both thick and thin, I remind myself to be grateful for every season and make the best of each moment.
 
This was a good challenge. I have been thinking about this story for a while. This was the perfect opportunity to scrap it.

 
MOC-2020-17-HindsightIs2020WEB

MOC-2020-17-HindsightIs2020WEB

  • Media owner tlcd1961
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(226 words)

It is hard for me to think of something that I would want to advise my younger self. I have such a wonderful life. I love my family and I would not change them for anything. I would be afraid that any change might lead to my present being changed.
I guess the one thing that has caused me much regret is my weight. I would love to go back and tell myself to be careful and not let that weight creep back on! After I had my first child, I was almost back to my pre-pregnancy size. Now I had a baby, a full-time job, and a husband that worked nights. At first, I tried to leave my baby at my mother’s house and go work out. I realized that I was almost never spending any time with my child and just could not handle it. I quit going to the gym. I wish I had found some other way to keep fit. Now I am overweight and in pretty much constant pain. I can’t see the forest for the trees. I feel that there is no hope for me to change my situation. I am hoping to change that this year, but it sure would be nice if I could go back and tell myself to not let this go! Hindsight is indeed 20/20!
 


896 words
I met Darren on the last day of 11th grade at a beach party with my friends celebrating school being out. This was a stressful time for me with friendships, so he was a welcomed relief from the drama. I think we were both taken with each other and eager to spend time together. I loved how close he was to his family, including grandparents. He was great with kids. He was different than most Cali boys since he was from the East Coast. His family had relocated for his parent’s work when he was in 8th grade. He was confident and mysterious. He made me feel so special. We hung out all summer and it was amazing. The next year was also amazing. We spent time with our families. We talked about dreams of the future together. We traveled to NY and CT to visit his extended family there. He even asked me if we could elope in Atlantic City, which although romantic, was crazy enough I knew better. When I went off to college, he got a little jealous, which caused some arguments. I came home many weekends, and he came to visit me others. His brother was dating a girl who went to UC Irvine too. We became friends. Darren was going to junior college at home and I think he felt left behind and lesser than. He started hanging out with new friends who were using drugs. One weekend I was home and he left my house to drive home. He always called me when he got home, but this night he didn’t. It had been way too long, I really was concerned and called his parent’s number to check with his parents. He wasn’t there either. It turns out he had pulled over to use drugs on his way home and fell asleep in the car. It was a wake up call that he needed help. To get out of that bad decision making and away from that group, he ended up moving down to Orange County to be closer to me at school and go to a junior college down there. Secretly he was driving back to LA to get drugs. I got a call from him in jail. He had been pulled over and they found drugs in his car. Things got worse, because eventually we came to find out he was not attending classes, and he basically failed all the classes because he didn’t drop them either. He promised to get help, to stop the drugs, to better himself. I believed him. I continued to stay with him. I persevered in my classes. I continued to avoid parties and nights out with friends, because it was too much for his jealous streak and the questions would be too much. I drove home most weekends to be there with him. He went to work for a car insurance office and was doing well… until he went back downtown to buy more drugs and a street dealer tossed all the drugs into his car when a police car pulled up. He was arrested for possession with intent to sell because there were so many individually wrapped balloons of drugs in his car. He went to jail for 6 months. I went to court to stand by him. I stood in line at the LA County Men’s Jail with parents, wives, and kids, as well as some people who frightened me - –all with something in common. We were there to visit people we loved. I stayed with him and lived with the humiliation of having to tell my roommates. I graduated from college. He was working and clean, but things were different. I was changing, growing, and– starting my nursing program and my future. He was stagnating and still insecure about that. I just couldn’t do this anymore. I didn’t believe in our future anymore. It was heartbreaking, but I did what I had to do and broke it off. He called my brother and begged him to get me to call. I did and explained again it was really over. He called me incessantly for a week or two, and then it stopped. Peace. About a month later I got a call from him in jail again. His parents were not bailing him out, and he wanted me to. I told him I would not bail him out or loan him money. It was over. I spent about the next year beating myself up for being so stupid and co-dependent to stay so long. Why did I throw away having a college experience? I had graduated without going to even one college party. Fast forward 18 months. I had dated some, but really was tired of the “dating scene” at all of 22 years old. I think I’m a relationship person deep down. I shared my frustration with my friend Wendi and asked if her serious boyfriend had any nice friends. She thought of one I might like. She got back to me with news that he was interested in a blind date too. We’ve now been married over 25 years. That friend who set us up?… Oh that’s just the girl who dated Darren’s brother. I NEVER WOULD HAVE MET MY HUSBAND IF NOT FOR HAVING BEEN THROUGH THE STRUGGLES WITH DARREN. In hindsight... Things happen for a reason.
 
Journaling has 546 words (and is in full in credits in the gallery if needed)... I highlighted the words in pink.
 
Update time again! Letting you know I'm working through commenting on page 9! Slow & steady! HA!
 
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