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Holidays are falling apart ... can't keep it together anymore

My sentiments are echoed with all of these posts, take Christmas and make it your own Carilyne. :beat My DH is another who doesn't like Christmas, during the first few years when the kids were younger I used to feel so torn, wanting my kids to have all the Christmas trappings while trying to please DH (their step-father). As the kids got older and moved away they sometimes couldn't come home so DH and I would have a quiet time without any celebration and that was so depressing for me.

It changed again when most of the grandkids were still little, everyone would come to our place and I would do the whole Christmas deal and DH actually had a good time, playing with the kids and their new toys! (he is a big kid anyway! :)). But now I notice things are changing once again as the grandkids are all getting older.

A few years ago we all (adults) decided to not buys presents for one another, only the little ones and have stuck with that, there was so much stress associated with that part of Christmas as some of the adult kids just couldn't afford it. DH and I have never bought Chrissie gifts for each other, instead we put that money towards a trip away of some sort.

My own feelings have changed over the years and I am in a far happier place. As I get older I can look at my expectations a bit more objectively and decide for myself what I want to feel and do! :) If I want some Christmas decorations I will put them up, if I want to go into town to see the Christmas lights I will go and if I want to buy something a little special for me, then I will! AND I can listen to all the Christmas music I want using my headphones!!! :giggle And I won't feel the least bit guilty in doing any of those things on my own! DH will be happy that I won't nag him to do these things together so it is a win-win situation.

This year I believe we are going into my son's place. He is a bachelor so it's going to be very casual! While all the grandkids will be there they can at least go into another room and watch TV or play games etc. something they can't do at our place as we don't have TV! There won't be any hot meals as our day is normally hot downunder so it will most likely be salads and cold meats or a barbecue. There certainly won't be any Christmas type music or decorations but you know, I will be more than happy to just sit down with my family and just be together! and then be able to go home without having to clean up afterwards!! :rofl
 
So many wise people here!!!

I'd take a look at the community calendar around you and see if there are things you can do to pick up your holiday spirits. I talked about AAUW in my area, and there is one in yours. That might be a way to join in on some festivities. Or maybe find another group that is working to help a family in need... or seniors? Even if it isn't financially feasible, maybe helping volunteer with shopping or wrapping or something?

We have a tiny family, but it is LARGE on dysfunction. LOL. In the past years, I've done a big dinner on Christmas Eve, for my mom, sister and brother to come, along with my godfather and his husband, and then do a big dinner on Christmas Day for Tim's side of the family, my grandma and uncle. Now my brother, mom and sis/nephew are living together (along with his atrocious girlfriend). They are all having issues, and I don't want it in my house. Plus, his girlfriend is just really awful.

This year, I decided I'm not doing it. I'm not having my side of the family on Christmas Eve. Just too much drama. And I can't handle the stress and discomfort. It is a lot for me to pull it off on a good year, and this year my health hasn't been the best. I'm worn down, so it is what it is. We're thinking of going to Zoo Lights with my mom, sis & nephew so we can do something limited/holiday-related with them. We'll still do Christmas with my grandma and uncle, but it will be low-key. I will focus on the good things and try to let go of the others.
 
Thank you both. It is strange how things change over the years. Last year it was a hassle to pin son #2 on when he was coming and he ended up not coming. So I feel better having a date set (now he has to check with work).
I hadn't thought about AAUW @scrapsandsass I do have 2 groups through meetup that I said I would go to. I've been looking at a events calendar and now that I've been talked down from doing something everyday I think I can handle a few. I found some journaling prompts and pic prompts. And I bet Kimberlee will have some so it should work out okay. Going to look up AAUW now.
 
((((Hugs)))). I totally feel your pain. I'm in the same place. I invited my brothers family to live with me and after 4 months, they were so disrespectful that my husband asked them to leave. The rest of my family choose their sides and now no one is talking. We usually host thanksgiving but this year we decided not to so it'll be a very quiet thanksgiving and Christmas. But you know what? It might be for the best. I'm looking forward to a quiet, drama-free holiday season. I'm going to focus on the little things that make me happy instead of trying so hard to make everyone else happy.
 
For the past several years, I have been in a similar situation. This will be my daughter's 4th Christmas. And on the day before Christmas eve of her 2nd Christmas, my DH was amputated below the knee due to diabetes. The weeks before the surgery were rough on everyone in the family, including extended family who we were living with at the time. He really couldn't handle what was going on, and lashed out on anyone he interacted with. This has made Christmas time really hard for us, because it brings back all of those feelings again.

My first DYD was all about my daughter's firsts, while my 2nd year was about highlighting the things that brought joy to this special time of the year. Again last year, I decided to really focus on the things that bring me joy, while trying to bring some new traditions into our holiday season. Even so my DH was a jerk and didn't want to participate. And I finally just had to accept that and do what I wanted for myself and my daughter without his participation. By Christmas Day, he was at least cooperative but I had kind of said screw him by that point and focused on the two of us anyway. Christmas is already a really hard time of the year for me, since my parents are divorced and they each have their special traditions that I have to accomodate (Dad does Christmas Eve for extended family and Christmas Morning for Close Family, while Mom does a family party the weekend before Christmas).

So I guess my point is - definitely focus on the things that bring you joy. I have found that doing DYD actually helps me to find those things that bring me joy during this time of the year. And it helps build up the momentum and holiday spirit for me too.
 
adriablack said:
For the past several years, I have been in a similar situation. This will be my daughter's 4th Christmas. And on the day before Christmas eve of her 2nd Christmas, my DH was amputated below the knee due to diabetes. The weeks before the surgery were rough on everyone in the family, including extended family who we were living with at the time. He really couldn't handle what was going on, and lashed out on anyone he interacted with. This has made Christmas time really hard for us, because it brings back all of those feelings again.

My first DYD was all about my daughter's firsts, while my 2nd year was about highlighting the things that brought joy to this special time of the year. Again last year, I decided to really focus on the things that bring me joy, while trying to bring some new traditions into our holiday season. Even so my DH was a jerk and didn't want to participate. And I finally just had to accept that and do what I wanted for myself and my daughter without his participation. By Christmas Day, he was at least cooperative but I had kind of said screw him by that point and focused on the two of us anyway. Christmas is already a really hard time of the year for me, since my parents are divorced and they each have their special traditions that I have to accomodate (Dad does Christmas Eve for extended family and Christmas Morning for Close Family, while Mom does a family party the weekend before Christmas).

So I guess my point is - definitely focus on the things that bring you joy. I have found that doing DYD actually helps me to find those things that bring me joy during this time of the year. And it helps build up the momentum and holiday spirit for me too.
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Thank you for sharing your story. Wow that is a hard situation. Our extended family is too far away to play a part.
Everyone is sounding like DYD is the best thing for me to do. And just make it good for me, try to include things the others want to enjoy.
 
i love this thread, i did buy some dyd things. The idea of doing for 'me' sounds good
 
@carilyne I've had years like that :( If you weren't 5 hours away, I'd have you come over here. Unless you want to drive to Silverdale...LOL

Anyway, have you tried maybe calling a family meeting? Would that help? I hope you figure something out, and I hope things get better for you. (((Hugs)))
 
carilyne said:
Our family is falling apart. One son is admitting feeling like family gatherings feel like a lie. The other is blissfully tucked himself on the other side of the state and figures everything will be perfect whichever date he picks to come over. DH hasn't been in the family mode most of the kids lives. I want to just cancel Christmas.
Anyone else been in this place. I know Anne is having one of those Christmases this year. It's just crazy. I don't know whether to buy DYD and make Christmas for me or just give it all up this year.
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Yes. Everyone is busy with their own lives and schedules, I never know when the brothers are arguing or getting along. The girls are all vegetarians so that's an additional challenge. I'm considering just going away for the holidays. ...
Even better instead of everyone coming to my house - I think we will go to theirs...
my worries are gone.
 
carilyne said:
Thank you ladies. I wrote this because I'm on the edge of that negativity and it was a plea for help to keep me out of it. But also the "permission" to make it more mine and stop trying to pull it together for everyone.
I've already decided to take New Years Eve for me and making hotel reservations (we have a big party downtown I've never been to). But that's not really an option for Christmas.
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This sounds like a great plan!!! I think you should make Christmas what is BEST for your family! If it is something that is totally different that what you have ever done before just do it! ASK your boys what they would like it to be, you might be surprised!?

I think sometimes in our mind we have these expectations of what the 'Christmas' should be and then get so blue when it isn't the way you think it 'should' be....... It is interesting to hear how different everyone spends their holiday season, when we have 2 children married now. Both of our children-in-laws Never had a Traditional Thanksgiving dinner! That was a shock to me I just figured everyone did.
 
@carilyne, I am so sorry that all of your efforts are going unappreciated by your family. Relationships are a two-way equation. I would be working with one of two ideas (or maybe both) I would be mailing out "Mom's Wishlist" to everyone, and articulate what would make it a good holiday for you. Then, I'd be doing something that would make me happy. I'd ask everyone else to join in. And if they do great. And if they don't... their loss.
 
Hugs, Carilyne! Some great advice here! We used to do so many things and actually too much at the holidays. I started just doing what DH and I want to do. If other family is around, that's great, if not, their loss. I just worry about the smiles on my boys faces when they are young, now. When they get older, and have their own lives, I will enjoy my happiness and my husbands. I will also be a little flexible with their own families, as I want to join in, not create stress and cause issues. I didn't realize you were still married, I'm sorry for that tough situation. I hope you focus on you, and find things that you enjoy for yourself this holiday season!
 
I love the build up to Christmas with all the decorations and happiness all around. However, actual Christmas is stressful and an obligation. I'm not too fond of it. It doesn't help that there is like no time at all between the last day of work (Friday) and the actual holiday (starting Saturday as we celebrate Christmas Eve).
I love the idea of going away on a holiday or something during Christmas break, but that would never happen in my family. Also I remember my Christmas alone when I lived in Canada and that was no fun at all. I do not consider myself religious anymore but not going to church on Christmas Eve feels weird and unchristmassy. My family is still religious, my mom sings in the choir, so obviously we still go.
I don't really have any advice though. I like the things other people have said, like making it about you. :)
Also, a big hug for you! :hug
 
we haven't "celebrated" in years... Hubby & I stopped exchanging gifts with each other about 15 years ago.. we buy each other what we want through out the year. I like to send out cards. He appeases me and puts up the tree because I want it, (and truth be told, he does like to look at it too... he just gets angry that even a pre-lit tree has light issues!) and while decorating we listen to the Christmas Music. At times I was not in the mood for a tree etc - the year after my Dad passed away, he brought out the tree and got it set up for me to decorate. He knew even though I didn't want to that year, that I would love it and get that magical spark back. I do not exchange gifts with family either.. I just have my brother, sister in law and nephew as immediate family left.. so it is just the two of us here and it is nice and quiet. My brother & Sister in law will come here (they live 5 hours away) for a weekend between Thanksgiving & Christmas... My brother will be turning 60, and it is just to get together to see each other, not for an obligatory holiday visit. I do love to hear from people and that is what is important to me. It is one day and for most without their loved ones can be very depressing. I love seeing the tree everyday lit up, I watch the Christmas movies and he watches It's a Wonderful Life with me on Christmas Eve. Make your own NEW traditions. If your hubby isn't into it, do it for yourself. I am sure if you are happy then he is happy. .. Re New Years Eve, I sleep through it and wake up in the new year.. was never a partier.
 
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UGH I get it!!!

My older 3 are out of the house - oldest is married and does her own thing (which I understand!!) but the other two boys (22&20) just do whatever comes easier.

My thanksgiving table seems empty so I refused to wallow - and I asked about 4 people from church to join us.

A few years ago I went through a time of depression - - and this is why I started scrapbooking again. I was having so many bad days that I wanted to show myself that I had a really good life, and it really helped. I printed out the pages and put them in a book and would look through them.

p.s. I grew weary from having to explain away the emotional distance my ex put me in with friends and family. Thats one of the reasons hes an ex. It was exhausting having to carry that burden.
 
I'm sorry Carrie! You have some great advice in this thread. I'm glad you are getting some of the spirit back! Make it a great Christmas for YOU, and the others can follow along or not.
 
I think that there are so many of us that have stuff surrounding Christmas, my first DD died @15 days old, 22 years ago Christmas Eve and that has coloured Christmas for me. This year will be the first since my Mom died and the first that our oldest will be with his girlfriend's family instead of ours so I am planning on going with the flow (not too much like a dead fish) but being gentle on myself, allowing myself to be sad if I want to, overeat a tad and take photos or not, as I feel. But I am a scrapbooker and a memory keeper and change can be good.
Great advice in this thread and lots of love - which is only a part of what makes this place great!
 
carilyne said:
That has to be so hard. Thank you for all you do for our country and sharing your husband to help protect us. I think that is also part of my problem, no family around and my dad who is really my only family left was just diagnosed with advanced Parkinson's and can't talk on the phone even. Big family dynamics around that too.

What are your kid's ages? It must be hard not having daddy. And so hard on mom being both mom and dad. Thanks it helps change my perspective.
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My kiddos are 11, 11, 9 and 6. Thankfully we have an amazing church family who have been wonderful in loving on us! We're making plans to have Thanksgiving dinner with a family from church and we'll figure Christmas out as it comes.

I think you've got some great support here and some awesome suggestions on how to make the Christmas season special for YOU! <3
 
Eyeore said:
I think that there are so many of us that have stuff surrounding Christmas, my first DD died @15 days old, 22 years ago Christmas Eve and that has coloured Christmas for me. This year will be the first since my Mom died and the first that our oldest will be with his girlfriend's family instead of ours so I am planning on going with the flow (not too much like a dead fish) but being gentle on myself, allowing myself to be sad if I want to, overeat a tad and take photos or not, as I feel. But I am a scrapbooker and a memory keeper and change can be good.
Great advice in this thread and lots of love - which is only a part of what makes this place great!
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Wow, that would be so hard to go through. Many hugs as I'm sure the memory is part of Christmas. And my mom died 8 years ago and I remember how hard it was. As so many have said look for the joy and happiness that might be hard to see. And do what you need to do to take care of you. And with all the art -- you can miss a photo or two and still tell a story. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm going to have to go through this list and make a grateful/prayer list for Christmas morning.
 
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