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Holidays are falling apart ... can't keep it together anymore

carilyne

carilyne

It's only impossible if you think it is
Joined
Dec 30, 2014
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4,175
Our family is falling apart. One son is admitting feeling like family gatherings feel like a lie. The other is blissfully tucked himself on the other side of the state and figures everything will be perfect whichever date he picks to come over. DH hasn't been in the family mode most of the kids lives. I want to just cancel Christmas.
Anyone else been in this place. I know Anne is having one of those Christmases this year. It's just crazy. I don't know whether to buy DYD and make Christmas for me or just give it all up this year.
 
@carilyne I can relate in the sense that our family has been having some upheavals this year and Xmas is going to be kind of weird. But...I am going to make Xmas wonderful for my hubs and I, along with whatever family members participate. I think it's ok to not celebrate, not to want to participate in the hype of Xmas but....if you are like me....you might miss the hope and joy of Xmas, the sensory pleasure of decorations, lights and trees, the baking. I will not give that up. I don't care who might not participate in our family, I will, and I will enjoy it. I may not take as many family photos this year but I want to do more pages about past Xmas holidays and traditions and then mix in what I do for this year.
 
bcgal00 said:
@carilyne I can relate in the sense that our family has been having some upheavals this year and Xmas is going to be kind of weird. But...I am going to make Xmas wonderful for my hubs and I, along with whatever family members participate. I think it's ok to not celebrate, not to want to participate in the hype of Xmas but....if you are like me....you might miss the hope and joy of Xmas, the sensory pleasure of decorations, lights and trees, the baking. I will not give that up. I don't care who might not participate in our family, I will, and I will enjoy it. I may not take as many family photos this year but I want to do more pages about past Xmas holidays and traditions and then mix in what I do for this year.
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Good ideas and I think that's what I'm trying to say. Unfortunately it's hubby that is the main problem and I've been trying to cover it for years. I'm sitting here thinking what is important to me for the holidays. Some I had already started (or ordered, new Christmas tradition for me). Lots of evaluation and maybe making some prompts for myself. Thank you for answering and encouraging me.
 
carilyne said:
Good ideas and I think that's what I'm trying to say. Unfortunately it's hubby that is the main problem and I've been trying to cover it for years. I'm sitting here thinking what is important to me for the holidays. Some I had already started (or ordered, new Christmas tradition for me). Lots of evaluation and maybe making some prompts for myself. Thank you for answering and encouraging me.
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It would be easy for me to be discouraged by family member problems and how it will change Christmas for us but I am determined to be happy, to find my own joy and however things are affected by the family problems, I will deal with it but not dwell on it. Let's encourage each other to find the joy in Xmas regardless of what other family members do or don't do.
 
You have wise words @bcgal00 Rae ... discouragement is self-made. It's hard to beat it (at least for me) most of the time, but finding what makes US happy can sure go a long way!!
 
JillW said:
You have wise words @bcgal00 Rae ... discouragement is self-made. It's hard to beat it (at least for me) most of the time, but finding what makes US happy can sure go a long way!!
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@JillW So true Jill...it's not easy sometimes but I try to find the joy in any situation. I try not to wallow in negativity so I am choosing to enjoy the upcoming season regardless of what might go on with family members. This whole DYD thing is really getting me excited about making Xmas more about myself and my hubs and whatever else goes on, I don't care, I am going to enjoy the season.
 
Thank you ladies. I wrote this because I'm on the edge of that negativity and it was a plea for help to keep me out of it. But also the "permission" to make it more mine and stop trying to pull it together for everyone.
I've already decided to take New Years Eve for me and making hotel reservations (we have a big party downtown I've never been to). But that's not really an option for Christmas.
 
@carilyne ((hugs)) Good for you for reaching out and embracing Christmas yours this year!

I know going in that Christmas will be hard for us this year. My husband is in Korea (Army) and the kids and I don't have family close by nor will they be visiting. I'm doing DYD to push me to look for the good in this Christmas season and to help me be more intentional in celebrating during a time that I know is going to be hard for us all.
 
When we used to live 2 hours from my family, Christmas sometimes felt 'off' or fake to me. Dealing with a grinchy husband + having to plan around when we would and wouldn't have my stepson (there was an official schedule but they never stuck to it) + the logistics of getting all of us up there and then what everyone would wear, where they would sleep, etc. was always super stressful for me. Even when we were there, I still felt like I didn't belong as everyone else talked abt things they'd done with one another or were going to do with one another while I was trying to chat with everyone + help my mother with preparations and dinner + keeping an eye on my one (and then two) kid(s).

Making a December Daily album of the whole season, vs. just focusing on the couple of days surrounding Christmas, really helped me to focus on all the good happening and helped me to remember that, for me, Christmas is more than the actual day. Planning other Christmas-y activities to do leading up to Christmas also helped me to relax and revel in the season so I wasn't as wound up and tense when actual Christmas rolled around.

I am so grateful that those stresses are gone now since we moved to my hometown last fall but I remember them well and am wishing you the best this season.
 
My stepfather is one of the best guys I know and I'm so lucky to have had him in my life. That said, he has never liked Christmas. Both of his parents died very close to Christmas and he is usually just disengaged around the holidays. It has been challenging over the years for my mom who is a devout Christian and really likes all the hoopla of Christmas.

I think one of the keys to surviving all these big holidays is to let go of a lot of the expectations that have been built up around the holidays. It's great to have a lot of family around but it doesn't have to be that way. Just try to find the beauty where you can (I love the lights and the music and can enjoy they by myself), do some things that you enjoy (I performed Handel's Messiah in college and usually try to find it being performed somewhere around town). Try to enjoy a little downtime. Even just baking something special to enjoy or buying some small gifts for Toys for Tots can capture some of the Christmas joy. So, yes, I agree that it's ok for it to be more about you - you deserve to enjoy the holidays even if everyone else isn't cooperating this year.
 
dailydwelling said:
@carilyne ((hugs)) Good for you for reaching out and embracing Christmas yours this year!

I know going in that Christmas will be hard for us this year. My husband is in Korea (Army) and the kids and I don't have family close by nor will they be visiting. I'm doing DYD to push me to look for the good in this Christmas season and to help me be more intentional in celebrating during a time that I know is going to be hard for us all.
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That has to be so hard. Thank you for all you do for our country and sharing your husband to help protect us. I think that is also part of my problem, no family around and my dad who is really my only family left was just diagnosed with advanced Parkinson's and can't talk on the phone even. Big family dynamics around that too.

What are your kid's ages? It must be hard not having daddy. And so hard on mom being both mom and dad. Thanks it helps change my perspective.
 
My husband and I decided several years ago to spend our holidays with those that make us the happiest and vice versa. I hated that holidays became obligatory. It kind of takes the joy out of them. It made some of our family unhappy but we decided that it's time that we make our own memories with our kids.

All that is to say that you do what makes you happy. If the others in your life choose not to participate then find something/someone that will bring you the joy you seek.
 
If you want it, you have permission from me to make it all about what you want to do and experience.

I love the Christmas season, but I hate the expectation of the "Family Stone" Christmas dinner. It took awhile for me to come to terms that my extended family Christmas is loser to Chevy Chase's Christmas Vacation. We've had Christmas with cops being called at the end. We've had Christmas with at least one family storming out. We've had Christmas with depression, and overdrinking to the point of stupid. We've had Christmas with my sister in law pouting because my dad wouldn't bail my brother out of jail. Sorry, if that's too many details.

Some of my favorite Christmas moments are before the day. Putting up the tree and watching a favorite movie. Walking around the neighborhood to see the lights. The week between Christmas and New Years when people are still in the happy spirit, but the frantic-ness has passed. I enjoy the season for me. I do the traditions that make me happiest, and the ones that my immediate family loves. I let the rest go.

I would suggest you decide what would make you happy, and go from there. If you want to have a nice dinner when Son #2 comes to town, do it. Maybe it's dining out, not one you make yourself. Maybe Son #1 loves to put up the tree and that is something you do together. Maybe you cancel Christmas as the world expects, and spend the day at the beach. You are in a new spot for your family, and it's okay to move on from the past. As a mom, I would still do something that makes your son happy. It's okay if your traditions change, or are melded to something new. My mother in law's tradition since her husband died 22 years ago is to go to the cemetery Christmas Eve and decorate the graves. It wasn't an original tradition from her childhood, but it is a tradition that the grandkids accept. Find your peace and happy.
 
Buy your self a seriously good present ( doesn't have to be expensive just something you really want. ) ( for me it is usually a theatre ticket ,but this year it will be head phones for my computer , ) buy your favourite sweet ( Terrys dark chocolate is a seriously good contender LOL ) put up only the decorations that makes you happy, unless your hubby wants to put some of his favourites up to. ( for me that is advent candles and my snow men and pixies ,my hubby likes a tree ) on the day cook a non traditional but nice meal ( or go out, depending on finances) . It helps I think if family is not around, or if they are blo... awkward , to make it nice , but not too traditional, and since it is guaranteed you who will be doing most of the work, nothing can stop you from doing your favourite things, and meals. Go for long walks, soak in the lights and happiness of other people, or walk on the beach, or in the park. It is your holiday ,own it !
 
We decided to focus on the good this year. Christmas falls on Sunday and I will be in service am and pm. Our house will be opened to all those alone from church. I am thinking of gender friendly gifts to have for the day. I'm making three pans of lasagne and can add garlic bread and salads as peeps come. Focusing on the hurt can not help me, laughter and remember my Savior whose birth I will hold to thru this small storm.
 
Thank you for this tread, i be back when i done block it all out
 
bestcee said:
If you want it, you have permission from me to make it all about what you want to do and experience.

I love the Christmas season, but I hate the expectation of the "Family Stone" Christmas dinner. It took awhile for me to come to terms that my extended family Christmas is loser to Chevy Chase's Christmas Vacation. We've had Christmas with cops being called at the end. We've had Christmas with at least one family storming out. We've had Christmas with depression, and overdrinking to the point of stupid. We've had Christmas with my sister in law pouting because my dad wouldn't bail my brother out of jail. Sorry, if that's too many details.

Some of my favorite Christmas moments are before the day. Putting up the tree and watching a favorite movie. Walking around the neighborhood to see the lights. The week between Christmas and New Years when people are still in the happy spirit, but the frantic-ness has passed. I enjoy the season for me. I do the traditions that make me happiest, and the ones that my immediate family loves. I let the rest go.

I would suggest you decide what would make you happy, and go from there. If you want to have a nice dinner when Son #2 comes to town, do it. Maybe it's dining out, not one you make yourself. Maybe Son #1 loves to put up the tree and that is something you do together. Maybe you cancel Christmas as the world expects, and spend the day at the beach. You are in a new spot for your family, and it's okay to move on from the past. As a mom, I would still do something that makes your son happy. It's okay if your traditions change, or are melded to something new. My mother in law's tradition since her husband died 22 years ago is to go to the cemetery Christmas Eve and decorate the graves. It wasn't an original tradition from her childhood, but it is a tradition that the grandkids accept. Find your peace and happy.
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Thanks. I'm coming out of the years of being too depressed to put up a tree or make a big deal of it. So I guess it's why it's important. As mom even though we are backing down on the presents and things for the boys, I still want to make it nice. I'm negotiating with #2 son on dates, presents (draw names or individual), and all those type things. Oh to spend Christmas on the beach! But in eastern WA the beach is on the other side of the mountains and cold. I thought about it though.

My very favorite week is the week after Christmas too. I love New Year's. It's not always a family holiday and this year it won't be cuz #1 son is traveling. So thinking about it early I'm starting to make plans for me.

Thank you for your ideas. Traditions are changing it's those empty nest years and other family changes. I'm feeling better with everyone's help.
 
Nemla said:
Buy your self a seriously good present ( doesn't have to be expensive just something you really want. ) ( for me it is usually a theatre ticket ,but this year it will be head phones for my computer , ) buy your favourite sweet ( Terrys dark chocolate is a seriously good contender LOL ) put up only the decorations that makes you happy, unless your hubby wants to put some of his favourites up to. ( for me that is advent candles and my snow men and pixies ,my hubby likes a tree ) on the day cook a non traditional but nice meal ( or go out, depending on finances) . It helps I think if family is not around, or if they are blo... awkward , to make it nice , but not too traditional, and since it is guaranteed you who will be doing most of the work, nothing can stop you from doing your favourite things, and meals. Go for long walks, soak in the lights and happiness of other people, or walk on the beach, or in the park. It is your holiday ,own it !
Click to expand...
Oh yeah I did get advent candles -- good idea. One Christmas will be eating out or take out (the night before). Actually my hubby is the cook and for that I'm very appreciative. But planning it out is me. I like that own it piece.
 
AnneofAlamo said:
We decided to focus on the good this year. Christmas falls on Sunday and I will be in service am and pm. Our house will be opened to all those alone from church. I am thinking of gender friendly gifts to have for the day. I'm making three pans of lasagne and can add garlic bread and salads as peeps come. Focusing on the hurt can not help me, laughter and remember my Savior whose birth I will hold to thru this small storm.
Click to expand...
That's right it is Sunday. Usually services seem to be at different times. If I start driving now I could be at your house (I stop for pictures takes me a long time).
Definitely not wanting to focus on hurt and want to make it fun for the son who is in big hurt right now. One tradition I've started for myself is Advent and I ordered the 25 days of Christ ornament set so I'm looking forward to that. Got one son to cooperate today. DH is silent. So I'm doing for me. He's been warned.
And it just occurred to me that 2 Christmas's will allow me to focus on making it good for one son at a time. Traditional breakfast (monkey bread type item) for #1 and something new maybe for #2. O
Ladies, I'm getting the spirit back. Scrooge may be in the house, but Christmas spirit and Reason is stronger than that.
 
You have already had some wonderfully wise words! You should totally make Christmas all about what you want it to be. It's different when children are grown and there's no more of the running down the stairs to see what Santa brought mornings. It's quieter. And, while I still have one at home, one of my favorite things about DYD now is capturing the little moments that bring ME joy, even if it's just a warm blanket and cup of hot cocoa. I have plenty of food on hand and tell my kids just to come by when they can. I know they are busy with their other families and friends. So, we just do Christmas whenever they are here. When things have been tough for me in the past, I purposefully sought out all the little joys in a day, whether it was the sunshine, an open sunroof, a cup of tea, whatever. There is absolutely no reason the season can't be all about the things that bring you joy.
 
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