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Me Time/YOU Time REcommendations|Pad Patter 3.7.2018

AnneofAlamo

AnneofAlamo

Slippers IN sunshine? Even better!
Joined
Aug 30, 2009
Messages
19,713
Sooooooooooooooooo....I went to my son's first therapist.

A recommendation from his current therapist (in different city), the paramedic that came to take my son 8 months ago, and my husband. The trauma my son has caused to our family has taken its toll on my health/life. And I want that to change. NEED it to change.

this is a happy post...lol really

you see, I am a fixer, I go, go and keep going to help others and fix things. It is where I have always derived a JOY. Well, I can not fix my son. He is gonna have to be the one helping him right now.

But, I have to work on me for a little bit. Goodness that sounded selfish even typing it to me...yeah, some things to do.

Each therapist says I need ANNE only TIME. NOT time away from family to grocery shop, or clean (although I love to organize and clean-I'm strange I tell ya), and scrapping is good, but they recommend getting away from the puter! gasp! lol

Some of the ideas given to me: Set up a sign, leave MOM alone for next 60 minutes. Violators will be growled at. During this time I crochet, read, something that is not crossing a chore/duty off a list. A walk alone.

So, I need from you. What do you do to regroup? To minister to yourself?

My first thought was to pull out this huge trunk of photos, and organize them for scrapping. I have an empty room, and could begin taking pics of them...and listen to a book for a few hours each day?
Do you think this would qualify? or is it a task? argh

Help?
lol
 
I definitely think that going through the photos could qualify, and I love the idea of doing an audio book with it, but I'm wondering if something less "task oriented" would be good? I'm thinking yoga and/or meditation. There's some great options on you tube. Also love the idea of walking, getting outside in the fresh air - put those ear buds in with a book/podcast/favorite tunes and move! Perhaps you could alternate photo organization one day, exercising the next.

I'm sorry to hear about your son. It's the worst thing in the world to see your child stuck or hurting or suffering and not be able to do anything to fix it! Big hugs!
 
I dance for my "ME" time, and I get extremely grumpy if something like a parents evening comes up to take that away from me! I go Line dancing, so it is completely without family. I do ballroom at the weekends with DH as "US" time and love them both.
As for walking that too is a great healer, I often take my camera with me and practise on manual or just get some lovely shots of nature (we live out in a village with plenty of nature around). And once you get those shots you can scrap them.

I came too late to the lilypad to know what is up with your son, but I hope that he is healing himself, as you want him too
Hugs
 
That is so hard.

It isn’t something I am completely ready to talk about, but I went through (and am still going through, really) a very similar situation this past year. My sister made some irreparable decisions that have destroyed aspects of my family, a very good friend’s family, and her own life. We still don’t know the full effects yet as we must wait for all of the consequences to be handed down.

I have cycled through anger and hurt and more anger and sadness... and well, you probably know. I am a fixer too and I have wanted SO bad to make this right- especially for my mom.

I think the hardest thing has been coming to the realization I cannot do anything to fix it. It is completely on her... and to be honest, she cannot even fix it all, even if she wanted to.

But that isn’t what you asked.

I hadn’t really thought about what you asked before... but I think scrapping is what I turned to. When I look back, I think I just immersed myself in reliving the happy and good times. I have never been one to scrap the sad or bad times and I think it might be because for me, scrapping is an escape from those things.

I have also cross-stitched, aimlessly binge watched a show... but other than scrapping, that’s it really.

Getting away from my home is always helpful. Last year, after all this had blown up, we were supposed to go away for my daughter’s birthday. I love to travel, but this time I truly felt like I needed to get away. A hurricane hit where we were headed and our trip was canceled. I felt so devestated.

So I don’t know that I actually helped but thank you for letting me get that off my chest.
 
update:
my husband and I have 7 children all adopted thru foster. They are all considered special needs due to the trauma of their lives before us.
our 4 oldest were easy...so we all decided to try again
3 more adorable boys.
Wow to the wow on the transition for the last 6 years now.
oldest is now 13, then 11 and almost 10.
Oldest is doing fine, youngest is borderline, but has a JOY in his life.

My 11 year old has Oppositional defiance disorder, leaning more toward Conduct Disorder. Meaning he melts down in aggression if told NO or things don't go his way. He is intelligent, sweet and handsome. But envision a 2 year old in an 11 year old body, but with anger and destruction. He is in a treatment center. He has been there since Dec 2017. We receive daily updates on his meltdowns. He is on heavy meds and still he attacks/destructs, to the point of restraints and seclusion.
For the first 5 years we just were on our own, didn't even know help was available. We fell into a wonderful therapist, and she has been our rescuer. But, as the main caregiver aka MOM, I have also been the one that has taken the abuse.
So, now I HEAL!
I am determined and this community is filled with some smart loving people, so I thought you would be the perfect ones to ask!
 
Anne, this may have been said to you already, but you know how on a plane the flight attendants always say to put your oxygen mask on first, before you help others? You need an oxygen mask. Your family needs you to put on that oxygen mask. For someone as giving and loving as you, that does seem selfish, but it's really not.

For me, lately I've been into puzzles. It lets me "solve" something and they're nice to look at. I'll also turn on music or a podcast so I can zone out; not only that, but when I have my headphones on, I can't hear my kids playing or asking for a snack or whatever, so DH has to help them. (In other words, headphones stop me from getting involved when I'm supposed to be relaxing.) I have a "puzzle desk" set up in my office, which is already a place the kids know they can't go in unless I give them permission since I do actually work in there sometimes. And it sounds like you also have space in your home to do what will feed your soul, which is great!

I've also recently started walking. It feels good to move a little bit, and studies show that your brain works on problems while you're busy doing other things, so I figure my walks are actually good for my creativity.

And I've always been a reader, to the point where it doesn't even feel like "me time" but just "something I must do" and it doesn't need to be justified in any way, just as breathing or taking a shower are just things we do without having to explain them to anyone.
 
Lynnette said:
Perhaps you could alternate photo organization one day, exercising the next
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I like this idea, as I can see myself binging on the task!
kayjaydo said:
I often take my camera with me
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oh I so am gonna bring my camera
GlazeFamily3 said:
I think the hardest thing has been coming to the realization I cannot do anything to fix it
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ugh...nail on head...my head. lol
GlazeFamily3 said:
thank you for letting me get that off my chest.
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you are so welcome, and I am glad you feel comfortable enough to do it
Tree City said:
You need an oxygen mask. Your family needs you to put on that oxygen mask. For someone as giving and loving as you, that does seem selfish, but it's really not.
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I am holding onto this visual, and believe an art journal therapy page is being born from it!
 
I don't have any suggestions, but just wanted to send you hugs, Anne!
 
Hugs!!!! You have some really great suggestions already, so I will just add one of my favorites -- bubble bath. I use a deep hair conditioner once a week that has to sit for 10 minutes. That is my "excuse" to take a bubble bath, read a book (or magazine), and just soak for a bit. A cup of tea or a big glass of iced something is also nice with it. I usually stay in there a hour or so. Some music could be nice.

My hubby enjoys a bubble bath too and often watches something or reads something on his Kindle. He is braver than me because I am afraid I would drop the Kindle in the water.
 
@AnneofAlamo
I like Sara's oxygen mask analogy. I've had that told to me before and I truly had to take care of myself before I could ever help anyone else. It's hard for us moms, to take care of ourselves, but it's so important that we do. We are the glue in our families and are no good to anyone if we run ourselves ragged. Give yourself permission to have YOUR TIME - guilt free! It'll be hard at first, but just keep doing it. YOU ARE WORTH IT ANNE! And you're doing it for them. BIG HUGS!
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I'm a bubble bath girl too. I love filling the jetted tub up and adding in some epsom salt and essential oils. Then I get the old ipad and sit it on the counter and turn on an old show or listen to quiet music. Today I watched an old episode of Macgyver. I love to just soak and let my worries drift away. It's relaxing and the warm water and epsom salt soaking helps my fibromyalgia.
 
@AnneofAlamo I have always used the computer to "escape" into myself so yes scrapping and working on photos would be great for me. Taking online classes is always good. Learning something new always invigorates me. I work puzzles but I think it is more relaxing when you are sitting at a table working them. I do crochet a lot while TV is on and I like doing something I enjoy while actually creating something useful. In my case I do scarves for the homeless. Walking is wonderful.

You can take it a small step forward and select what YOU would like for dinner or dessert just because you like it. It's oxygen not selfishness. Remember, even God took a day for himself. :bk
 
Anne, hugs to you! I can't even imagine what you are going through. I know you love art journaling, but have you ever done any with actual paper & pens & paint? One suggestion that came from Tangie that I fell in love with was gluebooks. I've got a composition book filled with clippings from junk mail, magazines, etc. I try to NOT use any paint or ink in them, strictly paper (& glue). You can make art, it just isn't digital. This might freak out the neat-Anne, but it is loads of fun to sit down and cut and glue and arrange, just like you were in kindergarten. :beat
 
Everything I would suggest has already been offered, so I just wanted to send you a hug!
 
Make a list of everything that pops into your head when you think of 'me time.'

When you get to the item on the list that makes you say, 'Oh, I could never do THAT!'... you'll know you've found which one you should do first.

:beat :beat :beat :beat :beat
 
On a much smaller scale I know the need for a "break"...7 kids around me all day long. Nowhere near the special needs or issues you are dealing with but the pressure of raising 7 kids, homeschooling them all, 2 with hearing loss that require a LOT of extra attention demands ALL of my time...except for the 2 hours I sit down at night to work...but that's work too.

A few things I do for little moments by myself:
Laying down in bed, even just for 15 minutes, with my door shut.
Taking a long, hot shower.
Reading a book.
Even just driving around, maybe walking around the Goodwill for 30 minutes by myself with now goals.
Walking on the treadmill and watching a Netflix Show.

I also try to "enjoy" things that I have to do everyday. Like I'll make a fun dinner just because I enjoy it. I have to cook anyway, I might as well try something fun.
 
Anything you do as long as you are happy doing it and not being interrupted. Big hugs Anne. Even just walking along by your self to allow you some time alone is perfect.. it will rejuvenate you. If looking and sorting through photos will make you happy then do that. Maybe steal a Grandbaby so it is only you and the baby will help too. Love you dear friend. Hugs that things are on the turn around point for everyone. He is where he needs to be.

I love the oxygen mask scenario too that Sara mentioned. Hugs :)
 
I don't specifically have "me time" only cause I'm alone most of the time anyway (40-45 hours per week) but when I truly need an escape I'll go to the movies or on a day trip further afield within my city
 
oh gosh, I just read your update, that is a LOT to deal with. Hugs to all your family dealing with it. But as Christa above me said, he is where he needs to be and you are doing all you can to help, and that is good. AND yes you do need to help yourself so you can continue to be of help. Love that oxygen mask analogy, that is sooooo true!
Stay strong and take the time out you need.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
 
Also another thing @AnneofAlamo Anne, is take yourself for a Mani-Pedi. I do this once a month for the most part and get a SB on the way home. I know you live in a small town, but take a drive go do a mani pedi and enjoy yourself once in a while :) I know when I was in FL when Dad was ill, they even had a nail place in the Walmart Store.. you know those little stores in the front of the walmart. Perhaps yours has a place for nails :)
 
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