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When do you give up on having nice things?

Jan, I didn't know your son has Asperger's Syndrome. That definitely adds a layer to it. But, like LeeAndra said, it's tough to do anything if you and your DH aren't on the same page. (And if you're right and he's also on the spectrum, then it'd be tough to get on that same page!) Hugs!

It's very tough, and it must be frustrating too! Hopefully it gets better. Maybe when both kids move out? And I don't want y'all thinking that I live in some immaculate place! The sofas were our first "nice" purchase for our home, which we've owned for 2.5 years. TBH, I don't plan on buying many nice things until my kids are out of the house. I know there are limits to their neatness abilities lol. :) We need all new flooring (it's never been updated, and it's just time, ya know?). DH and I are both nervous: we're afraid that the moment we finally replace the floor, then a kid is going to get a stomach bug, or someone will trip and their drink will spill.

Now, that Swedish death cleaning: I've not heard of it as such, but I've heard of people who do the basic idea. I love it!
 
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Just wanted to pop in to send hugs. My family doesn't break stuff, but they sure don't make taking care of things a priority! UGH
 
Tree City said:
They may not think of it as "their stuff," but, and I say this with love and respect (which can't be inflected via black-and-white text!), it is their home, and they should have enough respect for you to also have respect for the things that you've brought into the house.
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This. The fact that it matters to you should be enough to make it matter to your family - or at least, that's the argument I would make with them.
 
I feel for you Jan! My kids aren't too bad but they are grown ups now except one so they are expected too clean up after themselves. Mind you, wiping down a bench after they've spread crumbs is way beyond them. And they have the disposible mindset, if it gets broken, we can just replace it right? So wasteful.
When we moved into our previous house, it was wall to wall off white carpet, nightmare! kids were little and youngest wasn't even born yet. Glad it was not a rental or we would not have gotten our bond back, esp when DD dropped a full pallete of paint right in the middle of the hall that never came out. I got so frustrated, that I started tearing up the carpet one day and found underneath beautiful hardwood floors. So satisying to rip it all out!

When my MIL pased away, we found a lot of crockery and glassware that never got used because it was the 'good' stuff, some of it was hideous but a lot was lovely. Even family occassions weren't deemed important enough to risk the good stuff. We use it all the time, she would be horrified, haven't broken much yet...
 
QuiltyMom said:
Have y'all seen this article on "Swedish Death Cleaning"? It's quite informative. I should start my "cleaning" now!

https://www.treehugger.com/cleaning-organizing/swedish-death-cleaning-new-decluttering-trend.html
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Very interesting article! Very on point for what is going on in my life at this time.

Several years ago an elderly lady in my neighborhood passed away. She never married and never had children. She was in her 80's and also had no siblings. I saw 3 dumpsters of stuff taken away from her home that she had lived in for over 50 years. I later found out that her cousins had to do the clean out of the house as they were her only living relatives. That got me thinking... I am an only child, never married and no children. Who would clean out my house if I died (I am in my 60's)... Additional fact: I live in the home my parents built in 1965 and my mother saved everything! She's been gone since 1996 and a lot of that stuff is still in the house. And, after my father passed away last year, some things that I kept around because of him I no longer feel the need to keep.

I am now in the process of cleaning out the house. I have donated items (4 sets of china in this house and I don't ever have anyone over for dinner because I don't like to cook), sold items and trashed stuff. I've been working on it for 2 years and still lots to do!

Throughout this process I have learned that stuff is just stuff. What meant something to my mother may mean nothing to me (aforementioned china). Stuff that has been boxed away for over 20 years doesn't really need to take up space any more. Other items I have found just might mean something to someone else... I took pictures and gave it to them. The look of pure joy on their face was worth it!

I'm sorry your family doesn't respect your views, but they have their own feelings that need to be respected as well. Most of all, just remember that you all do love each other and that is more important than "stuff".
 
@HavaDrPepper Good for you for going through everything! We did three downsizings (is that a word?) for my mom: once when Dad passed away, once when she moved from the house into independent living, and the last when she moved to assisted living. In all honesty the hardest thing to deal with was the paperwork - credit cards, utilities, insurance, change of addresses, etc. That in itself made me want to get rid of all my cards and pay cash for everything.

For a while I was doing the Fly Lady stuff, and my favorite was the 29 fling boogie: take a bag, walk around the house and get rid of 29 things - anything. I got out of the habit of doing that. It was small stuff, but at least I was going through things every day!

What I need to do is go through things with the mindset of "what is most important to keep" rather than what I can get rid of. For instance, I'll keep my dad's Donald Duck hat and Mom's bridal headpiece before I keep my autographed Mickey Mouse baseball hat. It definitely puts a different perspective on things!
 
A little advice....not sure it will help...

I have 7 kids, ranging in ages from 3-15. Routine & consistency are huge! Make a routine that is easy to uphold. Do the same chores at the same time everyday. This may be difficult at first...but once everyone gets the hang of it it just becomes like second nature. My kids know they have a list of chores that must be completed before 9am & then there is a different list of chores that must be completed right after dinner. Have a few times throughout the day where everyone stops what they are doing and "picks up" the house. I remind my kids that I am their mother but not their slave. I do things to serve them, but that doesn't mean I pick up all of their toys and messes. I have also been blessed with a husband who likes to have things neat & organized...and he's totally willing to help to make that happen. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't they way he is! That's definitely an obstacle to overcome.
 
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Jan, I'm so sorry. I have no advice to give you because as others have said, if you and your dh aren't in agreement, I don't see how you can expect your children to not take the path of least resistance.

In both my marriages, the one with children from birth to teens, and the current one with all adult children out of the home, we have always used our good stuff daily. When you start your child raising with expectations, it's easier as the years go by because they have internalized those good habits.

Current dh is immune to mess or most 'filth' but he knows what I like and for the most part he picks up after himself because he loves me and knows it will make me happy. I've also stopped expecting him to do so and will silently do what he misses rather than be the great 'sigher' when I noticed what was left undone and do it while he was there. know what I mean? I've watched my son and dil with their now late teens children and dh's son and dil and their still young children and for the most part the children know what is expected of them and there are consequences to behavior. That son of mine is more of a neat-nik than I ever expected but he and his wife really are partners in their marriage and he's an excellent pot scrubber dishwasher!

Jan, none of this may help you now but you might consider some counseling so that you and your dh can start to see eye to eye on this issue with compromise on both of your sides. It sure ain't easy! hugs!
 
In a situation like yours, I think it comes down to choosing carefully. It's hard to make people care (especially other adults, and your kids sound old enough to belong in that group). Even though I think you should keep working on it with them, they will probably never care for things the way you want them to. But that doesn't mean you can't have anything nice, just not anything breakable or stainable. For example, when our kids were little we had very dark walls in the living room and really needed a white couch. But we knew that no matter what rules we made, a fabric couch would be a disaster in a few weeks. So we ended up getting a white leather couch that would clean up a lot more easily. In spite of everything that was done to it, it stayed looking nice for about 4 or 5 years. (And at that point it was just normal wear--it was inexpensive leather and it didn't last as well as something higher quality might have.) We have white carpet throughout this house--it was here when we moved in, and we didn't want to pay to upgrade until we were past the little kid stage. It looks awful, but we're finally about to replace it. We wanted wood but know it won't last well here, so we're going with a wood-look alternative. Now that I've done the research, I wish we'd done it years ago. I think the flooring we've chosen probably could have withstood what the kids dished out better than the carpet did! Another example: I'm a lot more likely to spend money on something that hangs on a wall behind a piece of furniture (ie, out of the way enough that it will probably be okay) than something that can be knocked off a shelf and broken. It's not ideal, but I'm happier and less stressed when I compromise on buying durable nice things.

I hear you on having a child on the spectrum who doesn't take care of things. My 11-year old is on the spectrum due to a genetic disorder, Smith-Magenis Syndrome. We parents of SMSers joke that there isn't a warranty written that our kids can't find a way to void! It's hard--cleaning up after himself is definitely still a work in progress. (A lot more work and a lot less progress, unfortunately!) His things are constantly getting broken because he leaves them on the floor, and none of the usual suggestions have made any difference.
 
QuiltyMom said:
Yet another item was broken in my house, and no one really cares. No matter how many times I remind my family members to pick things up, they don't. Or remind them to take care of things. Nope. How about to not use a game board to work on your sculpture? Or do your painting in the backyard, not on the living room carpet? And especially, to please not step on things. I've watched them literally step ON bags of groceries, rather than over. Seriously.

Is it time for me to give up and get rid of the things that I'm hoping makes my house a home? I'm the only one who likes them, anyway. My family wants functional, not pretty. I'm just tired of seeing things I love ruined because no one cares, or thinks it's all frivolous and unnecessary so why do we have it?

Has anyone else ran into this? And if so, how did/do you deal with it? I'm all out of ideas.
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Jan i feel bad for you and also offer empathy - i havent read all the posts but i've just started walking over DD's stuff in her room, it's like landfill sometimes (when *i* haven't cleaned it for a while - b/cos it's easier than fighting with her to clean it up). We only just got rid of our timber coffee table with so much texta and pen all over it (and have another 2 side tables that look like that are functional but blech! i try to hide them in corners when we have people over!) and at some point in the last few years we started thinking ' the kids are older, they'll respect the furniture etc now' and we started buying white pieces and phasing out the timber - needless to say, we were wrong - so if you see photos of my dining area in pages, this is the reason we ended up replacing the totally timber one with a 'mixed' dining set of white chairs and a timber-esque new table because after realising the folly in our thinking after replacing some of the tv cabinets etc in white, we thought there was no way the dining table (where painting etc does occur esp. on rainy days) would still be white within a week of purchase - and don't get me started on my 'fave' lounge cushion - i just want a few nice things too :(
 
ohhhhh I feel you, hear you, and have gone through 5 years of complete oblivion from Sarita's part ... long story short, but I have debated about making her go live with a friend, at least for 6 months, so she can appreciate what she has here....the way she treats things.... I have "invited her kindly" to do so, and I was a bit disappointed that her Uni didn't require dorm for the first year (like most other do)
We even went to therapy together....she still does the one thing that annoys me the most: hangs a carrier back in the handle of the kitchen door, fills it and never EVER takes it out...or at least not until I get to a point in which I am so stressed my shouting can be heard in the whole building ....
We are obj right now as I forced her to tidy up her bedroom as a friend of ours was coming from Australia on her way to Canada, she HAD to do it...but also I told her I wouldn't;t take the heart medication until her bedroom was tidy (by MY standards) so she finally, after 5 years...did it...
I blame myself for being to relaxed with her , only child, her dad was diagnosed when she was 1 and things got complicated, I was not strict at all.... but I hear from my friends, very few of their kids are model ones.... and at least Sarita is not out there with people I don't know (which she did at some point...and ended up in tears) so being in bad health I try to evaluate what weights more in my scales....
supe super huge huggzz to you Jan, I know how upsetting it can be
 
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