I am feeling rather heartbroken for my oldest and his (ex) girlfriend right now. They met at the gym - when he was still in gymnastics, and they saw each other all the time. After he quite gymnastics, her schedule stayed super busy at the gym, so they really never got to see each other. He tried... he went to one of her cello concerts over the holidays, and he tried to find things to do (movies, etc), but they really just didn't see each other any more. So he broke it off. He said they just didn't talk or have time to spend together. And since we're going to be moving, it just seemed like the best thing to do. She, however, is not taking it well. They messaged back and forth for a few days after, and he apologized for hurting her feelings and said he was trying not to make things hard on her, but she was clearly heartbroken and wanting him to change his mind. But then she continued to message him. Daily. Weird stuff... "You don't need me anymore, I guess you never did. I guess that's fine" "It's Tuesday" "It's Wednesday" "It's Thursday, it's been 3 days since you talked to me." "It's 4:30 in the morning, where are you." And on and on. He stopped messaging her back after a while and just ignored it all. She texted him twice yesterday for Valentine's Day and gave him a hard time for not messaging back. So, this is all rather long-winded, but seriously, you guys... this constant availability w/ technology is making this harder on him (and clearly, her as well). He feels bad for hurting her, but he doesn't know quite what to do to handle it without encouraging her all over again. And to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how to guide him through this. You guys ever experienced anything like this in your house? How did you handle it? I need some advice!
Rebecca, I'm of no help here because I don't have children at all, let alone teenagers with technology. I really feel for you, though. How old is your son & his girlfriend? Would it be out of place to call the girl's mother? I'm not sure what you would say to her, but I'm concerned about the girl. For someone so young, she is sounding very unstable and manipulative. I don't know how else to say it? I'm not trying to be rude, but she clearly has some issues here that here parents may not even know about. "You don't need me anymore, I guess you never did." This is the part that jumped out at me. And this one: "It's 4:30 in the morning, where are you?" She needs someone on her side helping her to let go. Sending you hugs, Rebecca. I wish I had more to say that could help you.
I've not experienced this with my children, but I agree with Melanie that this young girl needs some help on her end. Perhaps a chat with her parents to clue them in so they can help her make the transition? Also, as much as he wants to remain friends, it might be best if he blocked her number, FB access, etc. so he can have space. He's hurting just like she is, poor guy.
I agree that it sounds like a diplomatic approach to her parents might be needed! So true what you say about technology making it so much harder to have a clean break. We have this yet to come in our house and I am not looking forward to it!
Oh, man. Teen years are so very hard! Mine aren't there yet, but I agree that maybe you should speak to her mom just to clue her in. I'm sure she's probably worried about her daughter as you are your son. I think he's handling it the right way though. Poor guy. Hope you can all find a resolution soon!
we are a no dating family. there is a book I kissed dating goodbye. I am of the mind, the teen body and brain and heart are learning so much all by themselves. To throw in a relationship on top of that is turmoil. We do have the flutters of "he is sooooooooooooooooo cute" and it makes me feel good when he talks to me conversations. These are good and NORMAL emotions. Acting on this emotions as a teen in our opinion, is push limits that aren't ready yet. One of my girls has a young man that is very attentive, and she has clearly stated to him, her age, her expectations in a man, and he is not currently meeting 3 out of the main 4. 1. Have a job 2. have a car 3. not live with his mom 4. Love Jesus Christ with all his heart. lol He is determined, but she is more so, her next conversation is for him to show her enough respect to talk to her father. lol that usually causes the most ardent to back off. bhahhahahah
Ok, I guess I've had more experiences with this. We have 6 children and have had a couple go through breakups. First your son will have to realize he can be friend with her..... after she has had time to adjust to him not being her 'boyfriend' He will have to have a talk with her FIRST telling her that he is making a clean break with her for now and that after some time has gone by they can see if they are able to be just friends at that time. Please DO NOT involve the parents in this unless your son just can't get her to see reason. They need to learn how to do this on their own. I agree with maybe him telling her that he will be disconnecting from her electronically as it is just too hard. ON BOTH of them! Our Mark, his girlfriend broke up with him and he was the same way with his phone. DROVE US NUTS! We had to have a LONG talk with him about leaving her alone! He has to respect her wishes. Our Anna, she broke up with a guy as he was wanting her to go further than just kissing. After he bad mouthed her telling everyone how she would not do anything. If he was thinking he was hurting her he thought wrong She didn't care what anyone thought! She was open about saving herself for her husband.
As the parent of a couple of 40year olds, my days of teen angst were long ago with only landline telephones to connect. However, my 2nd son was besieged by girls. Poor guy. lol He did have a gf in his final two years of hs, but when he and she moved back to the US they went to different colleges and he was over the relationship. She called and called and called and finally I talked to her and helped her see that this was just one of those relationships that didn't survive being in different states and living about an hour and a half from each other when they are home. She moved on and years down the road they are casual friends on FB but that's it. I do agree that there comes a point when the one who made the break, like your son, has to cut the electronic ties possibly to the point of blocking her. A friend with teenagers had the same situation with her hs senior daughter. The ex bf just didn't get it and it is as @Sokee said, a part of life that they just have to learn to deal with. Parents have to deal with letting their kids struggle through this on their own. Not easy but a lesson for all. Hang in there Mama!
The weird thing about all of this is the circumstances that surround it. We're not a big dating family - not guy-crazy girls or girl-crazy boys. And I think that's how things got so out of balance here. This was his first go at having a girlfriend at all. It's just never been something that he felt he needed to be complete, so to speak. He's perfectly good on his own, focusing on being who he is and growing up to be who he was created to be. He reluctantly agreed to be in a relationship, but he wanted to get to know her better. They have much in common - music, books, archery, gymnastics - and he wanted to get to know her. I think he had no idea that she didn't feel the same about slowly getting to know each other, and it took him by surprise. And they didn't ever really 'date.' They talked at the gym. And my husband and I took them to one movie one time (and we stayed and watched a movie in the theater next door). Other than that, I went with him to her cello concert (because he wanted me to stay, and his friend and his dad were there as well), and they talked or texted. He does NOT have facebook or twitter or any social media, so that helps. So all of their communication is via text or IM. My goal is to help him maneuver through this unknown territory without scooping him up and saving him from it. I agree with what's been said, I do think this is something he needs to learn from - some of the hardest lessons I have learned in life have been by going through the hardest hurts and living through the consequences of my decisions, seeing how it affected myself and others. I am a strong believer that this is a BIG way that God teaches us and shapes us. However, I just want to monitor to be sure that he is not out of his depth to a point of detriment. I don't think it's there at this time. I do think he needs to find a way to communicate with her respectfully and directly. I want my boys to grow up to learn how to treat women - and everyone - respectfully but without compromising themselves and what they know to be right. Thank you all so much for input.
Oh goodness! This is SO hard! I feel of your son having to deal with this, and the heartache it is causing. I've not yet dealt with this being on the parental side. Unfortunately, I have dealt with similar. I decided to edit and remove my situation as it wasn't as similar as I hadfirst thought. These are my thoughts...& I guess what I might suggest if/when my boys have situations like this. (PS, hugs to you!) If he is having a tough time, I think a complete break from her might be the best option. Then he can re-visit, when he is ready, and on his terms to seek out friendship. He could block her from being able to message him, follow him, or interact with him. I would say it's ok to unfriend, unfollow and un-anything else there is. I wouldn't remain friends and use the social media as a tool to communicate publicly. He will have to resist checking in on her social media sites as well. I'm not sure if it's possible, but a total social media break for him to recover for a little while, might help. I don't know how he feels, but a suggestion to block her number on his phone might help with texts. He can undo this later on when things calm down. It seems brutal, but it might be the easiest way. hugs.
@RebeccaH Sorry... I was typing and didn't see your post about not having certain social media accounts and such. I hope he can communicate and learn from his own experiences and be able to guide others. Hugs. My experience was mine... and seems a bit further than your sons, based on your second post. I guess I thought he was a little older. Maybe just a sit down with her to explain his side, but be firm about his thoughts and feelings. He would need to get concrete about his feelings and what he wants.
I don't know how old your son is, but oh my goodness! My sister is 12 years younger than me, and she said the same things to a guy that broke up with her (she was 20 at the time). Well, not the 4:30 in the morning one, I think hers was midnight, where are you? I think you are doing a great job of monitoring it. I think you need to trust your mom instinct as well. The texts on the surface seem worrying, but at the same time, they also just seem like the normal teen angst. If you think the girl is in trouble and in danger of anything, then yes, involve the parents. Otherwise, just let it ride it's course. This is a great goal! I do think that when emotions are high, even if it's only on one side, it's ok to talk about not communicating anymore. Especially if he has already been respectful, and she is not giving up. Everyone needs to learn that it's ok to say no, and when it's enough.
To answer the age question, he is in high school - 15. Yes, this is his first girlfriend, other than a little girl in 1st grade that he was sure he was going to marry. He mostly just does not like the way girls his age behave, and has told me more than once, "I hope if I wait long enough, girls my age will grow up and care about the world around them more than they care about their phones." Until this girl, he has had no interest in entertaining the idea of a girlfriend because the girls he sees daily are always absorbed in things that don't interest him and treat people in ways he would not treat someone. And yes, this completely confirms our decision as parents to say no to social media. What an added headache the social media factor could be! I'm pretty sure the girl is just being dramatic. I know she is hurting, but I think she is just unable to see the situation with any clear perspective - she has on high school glasses! She can't see that life is full of years and relationships and people come and go and come back again. She will learn in time. I don't think she is in trouble at the moment. She has a great family around her, big brothers who love and support her, and really good friends. I think this is just girl drama - girls tend to throw themselves all-in when it comes to young love, I think. @jk703 Jenn, I'm so sorry you had to go through that! How hard! And how heartbreaking! @bestcee Courtney, Thank you so much for the input as well! I feel weird reading all his stuff on his ipod / ipad messages. But we did make it clear to our kids when they got electronic devices that we as parents reserve the right to look at, read, access anything and everything on them until they are out of the house and paying their own bills. Until then, privacy is loosely given, unless we feel trust has been breached or situations may be getting out of their control. My balancing trouble here is how to go about reading the messages without him beginning to just delete them before we can see them.
I don't have any advice but I am following this for future reference! Gabe is 12 almost and I know these kinds of things are coming. *sob*
I don't think it's time to contact the parents. It's just teenage girl drama. Heck, I know adults with the same kind of drama. Good luck with everything. I have a few years until I deal with this, thank goodness.
THIS. not only because her parents need to deal with it in their own terms, but because you never know how they will react....some people may even get annoyed and blame your boy and then end up in some very bad situation for YOU... my opinion? let him deal with it, he seems very intelligent and taking the right steps. You are moving away. is fine... if he was the one being dumped and sad, then you can only give comfort and show you love him and are there for him, tell him there is plenty of fish in every pond LOL but this age? is a process of learning to love themselves as much as others..... and there isn't much one can do, really..... most definitely not get tangled with her parents..... as I said, he seems to have his head in the right place @AnneofAlamo : I never put any rules about dating, but after that boyfriend she had in 2013, which took her to a bad path and then later when she went to lead camp in summer and was with people who wanted something of life...came back and dumped him...she herself put the rule of not dating because she wants to do her career...she was telling me a couple of days ago, the boy who was the lead in A Christmas Carol is madly in love with her (they do drama classes together every week too).... she likes him, but said a relationship would distracted her from working and saving the money for Uni, she wants to study properly this course & is 5 days a week all day..... so in that sense I am so very proud of her..... In my experience, IN MY CASE with Sarita...we have no family here, no siblings, no much support around... when I say she cannot do this or that, she wants to do it even more, so now I stopped with the prohibitions (well, she will be 20 on Friday so ...about time too) but she is now with a goal and doing the right thing (in everything but chores in the house LOL) so not many rules right now apart from the chores list.... but I am so glad she chose no relationships for now...
@MrsPeel I SO appreciate your input Cynthia! Thank you! Yes, he is a good boy, and has a good head about him for no older than he is. No, when my daughter is this age...... could be a different story We have never limited dating as a rule, either, but we did start VERY young talking to them about the appropriate way to look at and think about the other sex. Just not being so wrapped up in someone else to make you happy. None of our kids so far (with this one exception) have had any boyfriends/girlfriends. They just don't get sucked into the hype. I'm happy for that. I think I can credit a lot of prayer and following God's lead for parenting because I certainly don't always know what to say or do on my own. I will say, I totally support the no-dating policy in a household. Every parent knows their style and knows their kids and knows what will work and not work in their house. Like you said, Cynthia, I have seen more than once when the kids pushed back and snuck around. I've also seen one instance where the young lady was respectful of her parents' wishes all the way up until they lifted the 'ban' and then within 4 months she was pregnant. That didn't turn out quite like they were thinking. At any rate, we never did decide as parents that we needed to implement a no-dating rule. We just started talking very early on about healthy relationships and what the value of a relationship is - to compliment each other and build each other up, and ultimately to end up in a relationship where you each walk with the other in a way that brings you both closer together (in a healthy, non-co-dependent way) and closer to God. Besides that, we've just tried to model a healthy relationship for them.
I'm so sorry that your son is having to deal with this. My boys aren't there yet, but this sure makes me want to put some serious thought into all the issues everyone's listed above... the social media, dating, etc. Sounds like your son and you and your husband have things under control... just hopefully the ex will wrap her head around the new reality she is faced with and will accept it soon.
