What's new

I have TEENS - HELP

mimisgirl

mimisgirl

It's all about ME!
Joined
Oct 27, 2012
Messages
4,316
OMG you guys! This teenage stage is going to kill me.

My Teen is already struggling with so many things - and then today I stumbled across a web forum they participate in and was just AGHAST at what I found. I didn't even have to search it to find things that are ilegal for someone this age - and when i did poke around a little ( it is on MY computer in the living area of our home!!)) what I found chilled me to the bone and made me so very angry.

We've talked about internet safety, body safety, healthy and not healthy people, and STILL i find this - REALLY?

I am shaking - I am so upset I can barely even type - how do you parents of teens keep it together when your teen just lies and lies to you and then hides horrible things right in your living room where their younger siblings can find it?

I don't even know how to proceed at this moment - I am just livid and so very upset.
 
While it sounds like your boat is a little worse than my boat, I can relate to having teens right now and the fact that I pray myself to sleep daily.

I don't have a lot of suggestions. Either I've been lucky so far or clueless, but I can feel your pain. Hugs.
 
I am sorry @mimisgirl Erin for the pain you are feeling right now.
My one and only daughter was a great teenager... she has given us more pain as an adult than a teenager. We did set her boundaries and I remember one time she wanted to push them and when we explained our reasons she accepted them.

An important lesson my husband I learnt with teenagers is that their " love tank " needs continually filling. You need to let them know by your words and actions that you love them no matter what.
You need to set boundaries. Out in the workforce they will need to follow instructions and obey a boss so they need to learn it at home.

I have an adult step-nephew who got caught up with bad stuff on the internet and ended up in jail over it. They confiscated his computer, TV and phone and never financially compensated him for any of these. ( there is a little more to his story prior to the internet things but that is private). I just thought I would share that for a point you could share with your teenagers.

I hope that it all sorts out well for you... hang in there !
 
You have my sympathies. I had a v rough stage with my older son; for a while I didn't think either of us would make it out of his teen years intact.

I don't have a whole lot of helpful suggestions either - what worked for us isn't a good idea for everyone/every situation - but the one that helped me most (with both of my boys, come to think of it) - whichever parent that child is most like, ask them what would have been the best way to handle it at that age. Once I looked at my son's actions from the lens of my teen years (and my younger one, through his father's) I found not only more understanding, but a clue into how I could work through it with him.

On the upside - he's now more successful than I ever would have expected, so don't lose hope. As rough as it is, it doesn't last forever.
 
First breathe. Calm down and then talk to your teen about the importance of what you found. Talk about how it made you feel. Talk about how they are feeling about what they are viewing, why they viewed it, was it just a random thing or are friends looking at these things and your teen was curious.

I can relate. I've got 2 right now. My son 13yr old was caught on his school issued Chromebook playing games in class, and then they caught him looking up half dressed women. I wasn't surprised, but we definitely had a long discussion about appropriateness of when and where to go about doing things on the PC.
 
Unfortunately in this "electronic world" we live in everything is on the web. I don't know if you remember it use to be that kids would buy the "naughty" magazines but now they can find it online.

I do always worry about the "illegal" items on the web and hopefully that is not the issue. If it is make sure they understand the possibility of jail/prison and I hate that we have to scare our kids but sometimes that is what you must do.

Hugs that this all works out for you and your family.
 
I didn't go through this when my kids were teens, but I did go through it with one of my grandchildren. It's a shock, I can tell you!! I remember seeing horrible things that my next to oldest GS posted and being shocked! How could he post (let along think) those horrible things????? Unfortunately, my DD (his mother) wasn't very "techie" and didn't understand the ramifications of what her son was posting. It's very frustrating as a grandma to see these things and being unable to get through to the mother (your DD) of the gravity of these things. Good luck, Erin. It's not easy!!!
 
Hugs to you, Erin! It is so hard!! My oldest about did me in! To this day, I wonder how both of us made it out alive. It was a rough and horrible time. It came to a head when he got his girlfriend pregnant. It's such a long story, but I believe in my heart they did it to spite all of us who at one point tried to split them up. So much crazy, I can't even begin. He lied a lot, hid things a lot. There are for sure times I wish that I had handled things differently. But I always did what I felt was right at the time, and I told someone the other day that if I had to go through it all for him to become the amazing man that he is today, then it was worth it. I am so proud of all that he is, especially when I look around at some of his friends from his teen years who did not find the right path. He turned out to be one of the finest men I know.

I don't have a whole lot of great advice other than to just be straight, speak from the heart, and try not to act in anger. That's when they close us off. I think I would have a very matter of fact talk with him and let him know the consequences as well as how it makes you feel. It's so, so hard. Just wanted you to know I've been there, lost sleep, cried, and raged at times. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs. They do come around :)
 
oh bless you Erin. We still keep all internet use under strict supervision, and fortunately all mine are still happy with that. All computer usage is shared, so they have to ask permission to use it and priority goes to anyone needing it for homework etc. They don't have smart phones or anything like that, so it makes controlling internet use easier.

Fortunately my older teen has is wonderful. I've not had any issues with her at all.

My son though has asd like me, and has hit puberty earlier than is average for boys aswell. So he's having a rough grumpy time of it. He will throw enormous strops and tantrums if we ask him to do anything or try correcting him on something. I haven't found a solution that works yet.
 
We have a special officer we can talk to at the police station about children and internet safety. They have got involved with families I know to help with some pretty nasty stuff they found their children accessing. Do you have someone like that you can contact?
 
If your teen is "already struggling with so many things," maybe this horrible stuff is a manifestation of that? Perhaps some counseling would help. The counselor could also provide a neutral place for you to broach this subject & give you some talking points without losing your cool.
 
Oh, Erin! I have a 14 year old and a 10 year old. Right now at this very moment (cause we all know that changes hourly), both are reasonable, but I can tell you my 10 year old is going to be the one that makes me go off the deep end and lose my sh*t! The 14 year old has been good, understanding, open and seems to have an older soul. The 10 year old has caused drama since 3rd grade (as an example: he found a neighbor's hunting knife and brought it to school for show and tell!?!)

This day and age is so much harder to grow up in. So much outside of our homes, but now it's even worse since it's all in our homes with electronics, social media and constant news.

Sending sympathetic hugs and hoping for peace and working it all out!
 
jk703 said:
This day and age is so much harder to grow up in. So much outside of our homes, but now it's even worse since it's all in our homes with electronics, social media and constant news.
Click to expand...
^^^this. I don't have a teen yet but Jenn's statement is basically what I keep telling myself and my kids. And the problem is, kids don't always realize the gravity of what they do, whether that's IRL or on a computer screen. (I say "don't always," but it's more like "NEVER.") So like others have said, try to be open and compassionate, and perhaps an outside voice (a therapist or counselor) could benefit both you and your teen.

My tween's school held a conference with an "internet task force" to give parents info on internet safety. Perhaps your child's school has info on a similar program in your area? They may have resources for you on how to deal with this and how to prevent it from happening in the future. I'm sorry you're going through this. At least you saw what your teen was looking at so that you can deal with it.
 
I don't have a teen. My friend with one has hers going to therapy. She realized there was more going on than she and her husband could solve, so found a therapist. It's been just over a month, and improvements are happening. Slowly, but steadily.

In my childhood house, we had some good and some bad teens. A lot of it came down to consequences and how my parents dealt with them. Some of them, it was outside sources, law enforcement specifically, that imposed the consequences.
 
We are sisters in arms, @mimisgirl

My oldest is 13. She didn't have social media until her 13th birthday in May, and even then, all she got was an Instagram account. Issues we've come across:
- boys sending her the eggplant emoji (she truthfully had no idea what it meant, but the boy totally did)
- a 14 year-old girl in her class who posted an IG pic that was meant to imply she was naked, although no "bathing suit parts" were shown.
- And, the worst: a group chat that included every kid in the 8th grade at her school that had been co-opted by about 5 boys filling it up with racist, homophobic, misogynistic memes + porn gifs and outright bullying of their classmates.

I don't believe that good talks and trust in teens is enough here. I'm looking for the article on this... but when I find it I'll share it's a good read. A few pragmatic things:
(1) phones, chromebooks and ipads are not allowed in bedrooms, only public areas of the house.
(2) multi-layered parental controls: We use Circle by Disney to set limits on screen time and the times of day when screens are allowed across all devices. Circle has been less useful for us as a content blocker. It is fairly easy to use, and pretty hard for teens to hack. We use the parental controls on our devices themselves to limit access to certain websites (and anything not PG). I frequently check what my daughter is searching, and I've added a few websites to the "not allowed" list based on that.
(3) Kill YouTube. My kids can't access it on any of their devices, beyond the time wasting factor, and an algorithm designed to make it hard to put down, hateful content and risky ideas are easy to come across even on a restricted account. If they need to watch a Ted-Ed video for school, or want to watch cake decorating videos for fun they need to wait until a parent is there to unlock it. I have several stories about anti-Semitic conspiracy theories (we're Jewish), and anti-black racism that our family has come across in kids as young as 9. All learned from YouTube.
(4) We've said no to anything with disappearing messages (SnapChat) for now. Our IG rules are (a) no finstas or spams, i.e. secondary accounts where kids post more candid shots, but also the conversation tends to be much less guarded (b) her IG account is loaded onto my phone. She knows I do spot checks, including her DMs.
(5) We have all her other passwords, and we've got it set up so if she wants to add an app, the device she's trying to load it onto will send us a permission request.

A ray of hope: A few years ago, I had a chat with a school liaison officer here who said that she never deals with sexting and cyberbullying for kids over 16. It does seem that the developmental place 10-14 year olds are at + phones and social media are a bad mix. But it's a thing they'll outgrow.
 
We are leaving the teen years (finally in Dec 2019). I don't have much advice to offer that hasn't already been shared. Do stick to your beliefs, standards, and consequences. They will make bad choices, but don't bail them out - just be there to hold their hand for support during the consequence. Love is an amazing thing.

Hugs to all the mamas. :heartslub
 
Wish I had advice, I'm already praying daily I can survive. We have 3 girls and my oldest will be 11 this year. She is already an emotional hot mess and she has yet to get her period. I dread having to deal with all the stuff social media comes with and all the arguments that lay ahead of us not letting her have any FUN. I told my hubby none of them can be teens. they are going to go from 12 to 21 and just skip being a teen. lol
 
Thanks guys - I guess I just needed to know I wasn't alone at the shock of it.

A little background -

We lived in ASia until 2016 - we moved here when my teen was 12 - so they hit puberty while adjusting to life in the US - he is super smart - super big hearted - and does not fully understand all of American culture.

We have always been pretty conservative on what we allow our kids to be exposed to. we don't even own a tv, - we have a monitor and we watch DVDs as a family, but we limit technology and media a LOT for various reasons - My teen got a flip-phone for his 14th birthday with the intent of using it to contact us when out with friends - or us contacting him. The only computer (other than my laptop and my husband's) is in the living area and is used by all. We have two kindles for on the go occupation which are fully protected and equipped with free time and age appropriate material for each kiddo.

We have a Disney Circle with profiles for each kid that outlines what they are allowed and shuts down internet at given times (or when I hit pause). And each device is monitored by me regularly - WHY - my nephew had some issues come up a few years ago that affected us all - and so we are extra careful of what we allow our kids.

We believe in educating our kids - my husband is a recovering addict and we know addiction runs in our family so we often talk about different issues, problems, addictions, etc.

This year, 9th grade - the school requires homework to be submitted online - this teen has always been my reliable kid - my honest one - my straight arrow - so we gave him a little more freedom. This particular site I found is not bad - the rooms he chose to become a member of were the problem. Unfortunately he is BRILLIANT and too smart for his own good apparently. He figured out how to hack certain settings and hide certain activities. He left it up on accident - our main computer is OLD and didn't shut down - so i found what he was trying to keep hidden.

And according to what I found he has been lying to me since he started high school - 6+ months now. He made a new friend group and WOW - they seem nice in person - but on the forum - they are not nice - and he is becoming just like them, in secret. That hurts my mamas heart.

We had a family internet contract - tailored to each kiddo -his very clearly stated what was healthy and what was not and that the unhealthy activities were not tolerated - and outlied consequences - so yes, we are carrying out those consequences and sticking to our guns. But unfortunately all credibility has now been lost - I think that was the hardest part for all of us.

A-M said:
An important lesson my husband I learnt with teenagers is that their " love tank " needs continually filling.
Click to expand...
YES - we have seen this and we try to do just that - there has been a lot of pushing away lately - and I thought it was just the "teen" thing - but now I think it was a lot more to do with what I found and these new friends.

@blueberries He is such a mix between me and my husband we are just at a loss - this current struggle is very much my husband - and I encourage him to reach out and connect with our son about it - but it is hard.

LoveItScrapIt said:
First breathe. Calm down and then talk to your teen about the importance of what you found. Talk about how it made you feel. Talk about how they are feeling about what they are viewing, why they viewed it, was it just a random thing or are friends looking at these things and your teen was curious.
Click to expand...

Unfortunately it is something that has been going on for months now and is very dangerous - possibly illegal - which is the scary part - we've educated him on this for years - had numerous conversations about safety and legality etc. . and he always agrees with us and says - "people who do that are stupid" but then I find that he has been doing just that.

We did talk, and there were a lot of feelings (thankfully I had hours to calm down and was able to approach it like a reasonable adult - I was not sure I would.)

@Angela Toucan we keep it pretty controlled too - but he has learned to hack through just about anything we set up unfortunately - I have been working with the school - I called them immediately because there were a number of classmates I recognized in the forum - and there were a LOT of adults - and a lot of self harm things - which the school takes very seriously. Mine hit puberty rally early too -he is only 15 but he looks like a senior and he is able to get away with saying he is 18 - which I never imagined he would do, but apparently has been. (big breath!!)

@LeeAndra yes we've been doing therapy for several years now for the other issues - and this most definitely comes from that as I can see the progression quite clearly in the forums - unfortunately our first therapist actually did more harm than good - she just went along with his every whim instead of working towards helping him cope and deal - so now we are trying to find a good family therapist and some psychiatric help as well because this has spiraled.

@Tree City we actually went to an internet safety course for 9th grade together this fall - and we had great conversations about it as a family - it was very helpful - but only if he decides to stick to it

again - thanks for the emergency hugs, prayers and thoughts. It helps!
 
Juliestcyr said:
(3) Kill YouTube. My kids can't access it on any of their devices, beyond the time wasting factor, and an algorithm designed to make it hard to put down, hateful content and risky ideas are easy to come across even on a restricted account.
Click to expand...

This is so true! I swear every time I blocked new things, or down graded the allowed things, something new found a way to infiltrate it. And the auto algorithm sucks. It went from minecraft videos to barely dressed person one day. How those relate, and how the second one was allowed in the restricted section I have no idea. But, we've had no Youtube without parents for over a year now. Unfortunately, that crap is becoming Amazon Prime shows now. So, I have to figure out how to ban that on his Kindle while still letting him watch PBS. I hate the way media has degraded and everything is acceptable no matter the age. I don't need my kid learning swear words, seeing naked people, or hearing hate speech because he wanted to watch Curious George. Ugh.

And now I think I need a circle by Disney. Gonna start a new thread for that!
 
Back
Top