First Impressions?

[MrsPeel]

Disclaimer : Please forgive errors, grammar or typos, I did spell check but sometimes there is stuff I don;t see Hope I was able to say what I wanted, my brain is on overload now LOL

Oh, I have gone through so so many emotions reading you guys...and the constant is how much HOW VERY MUCH BIG TIME love you. I am so so very proud of being part of you, this family, this amazing group of people who are intelligent, talented, and have so much honesty and love.... reading you is a blessing.

As I get older, I have become wiser. Mostly.


I am a Pollyanna at heart, so I will always give the person the benefit of the doubt or try to find something positive. I may not know the whole picture, so there may be a reason why they are the way they project. I usually keep my mouth shut, look for the positive, and just don't engage much with people that are mean/judgmental/dishonest/thoughtless numerous times. I do try to be friendly with everyone, but if a person pushes me too far, I will just stop making any effort. If I think they might be going through something, I give them space, maybe be a little nicer, and see how things turn out in time.

I have one good friend that I butt heads with, mainly since she is very judgmental, and I only have so much tolerance before I need a break. With her, I don't keep my mouth shut, I speak my thoughts, then get quiet and move on.

In the past, there are a few people off the bat that I knew I didn't like. Gut feeling, though it's rare. I will act pleasantly, go with the flow, and keep quiet. My husband knows all though.

You are one of the most amazing people I know (not only in the scrapping world but in general) I remember you being one of the first to make me feel welcome when I arrived at GP, I started scrapping in an online program that was sold to Mixbook, that community was small and full of love and interaction, so when I tried relentlessly to make the GP people talk to me -I'm sure Danyale remembers, if that was on face to face, there would be rolling their eyes "oh please shut her up" - I know I was a bit too much and I was so grateful that you took the time to "see" who I was and to help me belong....and after all these years, you are even more admired, loved, treasured to me ... I'm glad you didn't stop at first impression which for many of them was a bit of a shock LOL and that we are still here (and you have saved me from myself in a number of occasions, I will NEVER forget that!!!)

Interesting topic! I did chuckle about you thinking about real life relating back to TLP here because I totally do the same thing all the time.

About first impressions, I also feel like a fairly good judge of character and once that first impression is made for me, I find it very difficult to change my mind about that person. It has happened, but it's very rare. Not sure if that makes me too stubborn to be more open or what. Lol.

Oh you are one of those I think the most about!!!!! I think because I follow your memory keep with so much love and admiration, and you are so amazingly thorough with your pages in showing your life, you & @RebeccaH were to me discovering worlds... I knew @HeatherB and she was my idol way before I got here, but you two were the first two I started taking a huge interest and loved following, getting inspired by you... I know when I was at the podiatrist and one of the ladies waiting started talking about the bunion and her troubles and how scared she was etc etc.... I told her I have a friend who had the operation!!!!
And even though I can't say I know you through and through...I don;t think is stubbornness.... I picture you always as a great judge of character

I'm a hardcore INFJ so I'm definitely a super intuitive person & pride myself on being a good judge of character.

With that being said, I'm pretty sure I make a terrible first impression on people. At least when it comes to job interviews considering the dozens and dozens of interviews I've had over the years that never went any further along.

I'm not sure how to fix that.

I have to admit, I went to google the INFJ- the minute I read the first line I remembered about the Myers Brigg, and remembered I had made a note to read more and see if I took the test...obviously that to do list got lost at some point so making a new note about it.

As for job interviews.... I would choose to think that those jobs weren't meant to be for you, instead of you not making a good first impression.... of course I cannot say with 100% certainty, but having seen as much as I have seen of you on and off through your pages (and you are one of those, like me, who pour your soul into the pages, even when there is hardly one line of journaling, I can "feel" you) sometimes is us not having a lot of confidence in certain aspects of ourselves that makes us go about interviews in a way that doesn't render results?
They didn't know what they were missing by not hiring.

I try to give people a second chance. I've been working in Continuing Education for 8 years teaching computer classes. Many of my students are older people who have decided to go back to work or people who have been laid off and need new skills. Sometimes they come in and they are angry that they have to learn something new at this point in their life. Others are going through a divorce and suddenly have to change lifestyles etc. The job has shown me that you never know what another person is going through. I just try to make our classroom as stress free as possible. I try to not take their mood personally and usually after being in my class for awhile, they realize that they can learn new things and they are going to be just fine. Then the real personality shines.

you know I love you... and with every interaction we have , be that page, a chat, or something like this response.... I love you even more.

@MrsPeel Cynthia, I too was a first impression person re my opinions.... with us being Virgos and analytically minded, I think that is where that comes from I go with the flow..If I feel strongly than I go with that feeling. I would hate to ignore a feeling and be sorry later. As far as people go, I let things go and see how things develop The book is not always what we see on the cover... that goes both ways

so wise, my friend.... and yes, I didn't think about the analytic side of us.... Most of my life I have gone with that gut feeling and before the technology era, I was always sure of my intuition...I think is, like has been said, sometimes it takes more time to get to know someone online because of the not seeing the face or the tone of the voice....
my thoughts when I first posted was about the two or three people I did not have a good impression years ago and then turned into some of the most important people in my life, all people I know online... so yes, we need to give time and go with the flow
The one thing that I treasure the most about our friendship is the fact that we have gone through some stuff and treated it as one treats disagreements with off line friends...we had a disagreement, talked it over and understood each other, you even were so patient because I am a bit loud and tantrumy LOL but we worked it out and our friendship grew stronger and stronger...and when I met you last month (well, a month ago, end of June) all I felt, thought I treasured was there.... like Sara said, the long due meet up to have lunch!!!!! even CJ put up with me loud and crazy after all those hours of flight!! that is , most definitely , A FRIEND!!!!!!!

In my brain, I feel like this might be 2 different topics (One is "I love TLP" and "I think about my online friends IRL" and Two is "first impressions"). I mean, I have to separate them because that's how my brain works lol.

Let me address the first, "What would my digi friends think of this?!" topic: I am SO GLAD that I'm not the only one who sees/hears something and thinks "I must share this with my digi friends!" When I went to Disney, one of my first thoughts was "I want to tell the Disney scrappers what I think!" cuz y'all know we've got some hardcore Disney people here lol! And I love that we are a varied bunch of people. We (come from and) live in different places; we are different ages; we are different family make-ups; we are different backgrounds and cultures; and yet, we are all linked not only by our love for digital scrapbooking but also by our kindness--because we want to share our stories with others, and in turn we want to learn about, and from, others' stories. And there have been news headlines here in the USA about certain areas (some in the US, some outside of it) and my first thought has been "Oh, I hope [insert scrapper's name] is all right!" or "Gosh, I wonder if [insert scrapper's name' got to be there to see that!"

That leads to the second point: yes, first impressions can sometimes be wrong. But what changes that first impression? Learning about the person. So online, we learn via the chatting here in the forums and then by reading scrappers' journaling. (I used to feel like such a voyeur when I first started posting my LOs to DS galleries and seeing what others had posted. I kept thinking "People are writing about some personal stuff! Should I read this? I mean, it's here, so I guess so?" lol) IRL, it's through experience with the person, where instead of reading about the story, we may be living it with that person in real time. My DH, for example, made a pretty boring first impression. Not a BAD first impression, but not exactly unforgettable. In fact, I forgot his name about .01 seconds after he said it. And he was sweaty--like,"has he been in a rain shower or is he was having a heart attack?" sweaty. And he thought my 15yo brother, not I, was moving into the dorm room." *sigh* (In all fairness, my brother was sitting outside of my dorm room door, looking bored, so DH walked by him first and assumed he was the student lol. And in all fairness to myself, I was moving into a coed dorm and my ex-bf was moving in next door and my mom was probably chattering and I probably didn't even hear DH's name but I did say "Oh, you're a Bio major? You can talk to A, my ex, who lives next door.")

Personally, I can't think of a time when I had a truly negative first impression but then ended up liking the person. But I try to be open-minded. You know how sometimes you just "click" with someone? I guess it only makes sense that the opposite is true, so there will be times when you meet someone and you both think "Nope." When I meet someone and I notice something I don't like, I try to think why that trait bothers me--is it a reflection of a worry that I have about myself? Is it a snap judgement? Is it a pet peeve of mine? (Loud chewers and gum make me want to rip my ears off my head. I think I have misophonia. Anyway, DD has a friend who has never chewed with her mouth closed. Seriously, not once. That friend can only visit for 2 hrs at a time and can't stay for meals. It's for my sanity--not that DD or this friend KNOWS this. I just plan play dates for early afternoon.) My point is, once I know why something doesn't sit well with me, then I can course-correct or decide "thanks but no thanks" and never speak to that person again (if possible) or minimize interaction.

Also on a semi-related note, I don't like saying "online" and "IRL." I have made friendships online. It's true, I haven't met some of the people whom I've become friend with, but that shouldn't diminish the kindness and warmth and friendship (@MrsPeel Cynthia, you're one of those people on my list!). And then, when I have met online friends IRL, it didn't feel like meeting for the first time because we knew so much; instead, it felt like a long-overdue coffee date.

Wow, apparently I felt like writing a novel today!

You can write a novel any day..... especially with so much wisdom and beauty as this
I was reading and as I read, this smile in my face kept growing and growing and this warm feeling I have always in my heart for you keeps growing and I am so so glad we were put on each other's path and that you are a FRIEND and part of my life.
And YES= couldn't agree more on the RL/online thing.... I have said it here many times, this- the online friendship to me is as real as it gets!!!!
I have BIG TIME friends here, and even though I have off line friends I talk to very very often, is you guys I talk the most, and here I have found so much love and support and when finally meeting in person, is like that lomg due coffee meet up... I am now making my mission of making the Pad Europe Meet next Year, maybe I can come spend summer 2019 traveling the USA & Canada...because I HAVE TO MEET you guys in person!!!!!!! ((well, you I'm expecting to ring my bell at some point too!!!!)
Oh and you should make a page about meeting your husband!!!

@Tree City Yes, Sara, I agree with online friendships...they are just as valid, personal, important, etc as our IRL friends. Maybe more so sometimes. I chat more with a lot of online friends than I do IRL friends, am more connected and know more about their lives than IRL friends. A friend is a friend....whether online or IRL. BTW....write a novel anytime, I always enjoy your "novels" LOL.

As for first impressions, I try to channel my mom's behaviour (more and more as I get older), as I always hear her voice in my head, telling me to be kind, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to be willing to give a second chance. But when I get a bad first impression I am wary of them, and watch and listen for signs as to what they are really like, I give them the benefit of the doubt but if my opinion doesn't change then I distance myself from them, limit my interactions with them. Life is too short to surround myself with negativity.

Oh how much I love you.
I remember getting in Laurie Ann's team and I was both delighted and terrified at the same time as there were a bunch of you who seemed to know each other very well and there was some big time interaction....and that interaction showed that: the kindness, the inclusion of others and something I can;t find words for, but that made me feel welcome and not terrified anymore, and you were one of the first to make me feel like that....
I think the online world is teaching me to read people in a different way, so that first impressions are not treated like I would when meeting people face to face.... it has taught me to wait, exactly like you explain, watch and listen and be patient to learn...because the few judgements in which I was pleasantly surprised to be wrong on having bad impressions, those people who turned out to be so wonderful, ad very very important in my life now, it was just a question of me rushing into having a formed opinion....
and YES, once again- the real life thing, as I mentioned many times before here, is a terminology I dislike...because the online friendship is to me as real as it can get!!!!!!

I always go with my gut feeling and even though I have possibly come to like people in a way even though I had a bad first impression I have never been good friends with anyone I didn't like from the start.
It's not that I am not willing to admit that I was wrong, but after thinking about it now, those people that I misjudged then become acquaintances (maybe even close acquaintances, if there is such a thing), but not what I consider friends.

I'm a cancer and it shows, I suppose.

I have always been like this, apart from a couple of times in 50 years, for the people I have met face to face, and even though I admitted to be wrong about the first impression, we never ended up being huge friends.
My errors of judgement, surprises, good, like I said to Rae, pleasant surprises of a few people (well, two to be more precise !!) that I met online and the impression was worse than bad, and then they ended up being part of my heart, I think it was because online one needs to give more time as even though some you can see faces in a photo, it isnt the same as watching them live and hearing the voice tone...
(and here I am praying my first impression to you wasn't too bad, because you know I love YOU!!!)

Dito to what you said minus the reflecting. I don't even bother to analyze my dislike. The dislike in itself is already enough for me. , .

Absolutely, to differ between online and IRL is for people who don't go online often enough and think this is a different world. Or for trolls. Or people who hide behind an online persona that they aren't.

see, this is where I think for me, online, I need time to see, and also analyze the dislike.
In person, I think if I feel the dislike, there has to be something there and I don;' bother analyzing because I have hardly ever been wrong.
My being wring was online, and I saw that my error of judgement was me not taking the time to watch, learn more....
we all agree, I think, on the online friendship being as real as it gets!!!!!!!!

This is a really interesting question! Do I trust my intuition about people? Absolutely. I think it's all about the difference between IQ and EQ. (For those who haven't heard the term - EQ reflects a person's ability to empathize with others: identify, evaluate, control and express emotions ones own emotions; perceive, and assess others' emotions; use emotions to facilitate thinking, understand emotional meanings.) EQ, in my opinion, is just as valuable as IQ. I try to be a very open person who approaches others with love and positive intent. I don't judge or exclude people who can't reciprocate that feeling. I just try to remember that we aren't going to connect in that way - and that there are other non-emotionally based ways to connect. Now, if someone has a pattern of repeatedly treating others badly, I think that you have to recognize that they've shown you who they are through their behavior. However, if someone hasn't shown me themselves through their behavior and I feel negatively towards them, I try to think about the perspective that we're both bringing into the relationship. Is it my lens rather than them? Often, we don't know the battles that others are fighting and their reactions are not about us at all but truly about their struggles. I am getting into deep territory here but I do find that approaching these things with intention is better.

First thing I should say is, you try? yes, and very much you achieve. I have seen all type of store owners, and I think I can get a HUGE echo when I say you are one of a kind in this industry.
You are, indeed, a very open person who approaches others with love and positive intent, and also something I don;t quiet have a word for...is that "extra mile" , your generosity, the way you can run a business wonderfully but with so much truthful love for your community...you set the pace, you set the feeling...and then The Pad happens.
This is a rare jewel in life, both on and of line, a tight community with people so different, so many age groups, backgrounds, cultures...we all come together as one and with so much LOVE......
It is sometimes a bit overwhelming for me , in the best possible way though.
I am always trying ways to improve to deserve the space you have given me in this family and to keep making it into the marvelous place that The Pad is....
Funnily enough, it is here that I have learned to re think the way I see first impressions online when I don;t have voice or face to watch in movement, to be more patient, to find the balance.
Now I am going to copy and paste your words so I can re read and give it a good thought, getting in deep territory with things like this is so so good, it teaches us, makes us grow....I am so so blessed to be able to ...with you all here

Yes! My husband calls everyone he talks to on his FedEx route, "my buddy". It irks me, but he is a Chatty Charlie. A friend is someone I can turn to & trust, someone I truly care about. @MrsPeel , @Juliestcyr , & @gonewiththewind have been such an amazing source of support & love. I don't know that I formed first impressions of them. I do remember thinking it was funny that Julie's siggy was "Vive La Julie". I'm very shy & I tend to think I don't have much to offer. I don't think I rely on first impressions, but I think I definitely give off a "don't get near me" impression. That's just in a social setting. At work I'm very outgoing. Patients know how much I care about them, they tell me all the time. I'm also the tech person. So, maybe I'm different at work because I know I have a lot to offer there. This may be a cathartic experience here!

As for intuition, I believe in signs. I don't believe in coincidence. I trust those signs, always.

OH Jess, my sister, my twin, I wish I could show you the YOU we see here, with so much to offer here too, it isnt only at work you have so much to offer, as a matter of fact, how much you have given to me and I know others feel same way.... I am so proud to call you my FRIEND and my life is better with you in it...

Interesting thoughts! I am usually a very private person. I only have a few close friends in real life but I have a lot of acquaintances. I'm an INTJ so I'm always judging but not in a pro or con way just in a general way. I'm not sure that makes sense. Anyway, I have strong intuition but even more so, I can feel - feelings better than I can asses a person's motives. I give lots of chances. I can be a mixture of feelings depending on when you see me so I like to think that others may be just going through something if they are mean (or whatever).

again I want to go do the Myers Brig thing!
I think there is the age factor with me, well, maybe not just age but the way I grew, the experiences I had, that made me sieve through a LOT of Friends....I have a few, we have been friends since the early 70s and e[t the friendship going without internet or cell phones for the most part of it, then have lots of acquaintances., bit 10, 15 years ago I ad a lot more friends , and I was a total social butterfly until my late 40s...
I used to give lots of chances, but, at least with people in face to face.... but got badly hurt by some "friends" and now I tend to be a bit more of a recluse...even more so because moving is painful so I don't get out much...these days I rather spend time with you guys here!!!!!
and with you? every time I see a comment of yours in my pages, my smile foes from ear to ear!!!!!!!!!

Love how others have brought up the personality types. I too am an INFJ so definitely get intuitive first impressions of people that are typically pretty accurate. I always try to see the WHY of someone doing something that I might not connect with or like. If I can see where they're coming from I can generally give them the benefit of the doubt. I still might not connect with them, but that doesn't mean I dislike them. It takes a special kind of person to instantly hit my "hate" zone & even then I don't typically show that. Definitely more private & try to keep most of my thoughts, particularly negative ones, to myself. If it's someone I love then I try to way the benefit of saying something versus not if it could hurt their feelings.

In short, yep I typically follow my intuition & first impressions. It's harder online without that visual face-to-face or voice conversation, but even there I'm a "people watcher" before I really judge someone.

again, the Myers Brig!!! I have to do it!!!!!
and I love your work, would love to get to know you more, the bits of conversations we did exchange tell me you are awesome!!!!!!!

I think my fist impression of you Cynthia @MrsPeel was your avatar at ScrapMatters (a million years ago!). It was a lady with a huge black hat and bright red lips. I thought to myself at the time that anyone who would have that avatar had to be classy and fun.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

(INTJ) I tend to trust my gut instincts. Rikki definitely hit the nail on the head.

On the flip side, I've been told on several occasions by friends/acquaintances that they did not initially like me. These are the things I've heard the most: I'm not good at small talk (silence doesn't bother me), I suffer from resting (b)witch face (if I'm not smiling/laughing I do not look approachable at ALL), I'm honest (to a fault), I'm not overly wordy (why say something in 100 words when I can say it in 10? This was often brought up in performance reviews, that I need to fluff my responses back to managers) so I seem blunt/cold/unfriendly. But once someone gets to know me, the aforementioned things are the weaknesses/qualities they end up liking the most about me.

My idea of you is SO SO very different of what you describe as first impressions of you people must have!!!!
and I want to duck now...you must hate me!!!! what you say in ten words, others say in 100, I would have to say almost 500 (that if you are in luck I can go to 1000!!! LOL)

I now need to go after all the reading and writing, need medication but will be back asap!!!!

 

[KarenW]

Funny post! I am SO bad at first impressions!! Almost all of my closest friends now, I did not like when I first met them. I guess I met most of them at my kids school and that always has layers of complexity but my hit rate of picking the good ones straight away was very low... I first met my closest IRL friend when she crashed into another friend parking _ thought she was a complete ditz...

On the plus side, I apparently give people second chances alot, luckily for me, I now have the best friends I could hope for.

My scrapping friends have been easier, I now go with the flow more and assume if they share my love, they have to be great - so far, so good!!

( the one exception was the first online scrap club I joined, we all subscribed to the same paper based kits - those people were the worst and I left as soon as I could... no problems here though!)

 

[bestcee]

So, I always try to be open minded. That said, I tend to be loyal once you make it into my inner circle.
I saw this one time, and I try to always keep it in mind when I'm startled by a new aquaintance behavior.

I think as I see everyone's layouts, and read journaling that I take this more to heart. I hear about experiences that others have had in their lives, and try to remember that I could be walking into their story at the epic battle point, or at the crossroads, or at the big finale.

 

[KarenB]

This is so interesting. I definitely go by instincts - I live my whole life instinctively mostly. But if I don't like someone to begin with (doesn't happen often) I am quite happy to change my mind as I get to know them. But once someone has shown me they are dishonest, sneaky or untrustworthy, they don't get another chance. I am fiercely loyal to my friends and expect the same from them. I actually get it wrong the other way round more often - I will really like a person, then be absolutely gutted when they turn out to be a wrong' un lol. It sounds really sappy, but I have an ability to see the good in most people. As has been said, everyone has a story and I really try to understand most behaviours. I am described most often as friendly and approachable - which makes me sound like an affable spaniel But it's probably true as the thought of someone not being able to approach me is just awful. As for my cyber friends. They are as important as my 'real' friends. A connection is a connection and scrapping people share something special anyway. We are all recording our family's history, preserving memories and documenting the little things. I love that I am amongst people that get that!

 

[cfile]

Oh

So, I always try to be open minded. That said, I tend to be loyal once you make it into my inner circle.
I saw this one time, and I try to always keep it in mind when I'm startled by a new aquaintance behavior.

I think as I see everyone's layouts, and read journaling that I take this more to heart. I hear about experiences that others have had in their lives, and try to remember that I could be walking into their story at the epic battle point, or at the crossroads, or at the big finale.

Coutney, love that quote!! When I worked - I had been called an "ogre" lol Not sure why, maybe my NY upbringing and then I was working here in Virginia, but my attitude was do your job I was always good at helping anyone that I was a "team leader" for, but I did not do well with laziness. Maybe that is why they called me an "ogre" but they all knew I knew my stuff, was the expert, would give them the right answer, but I would also help them to find the answer themselves. I guess I did the "tough love" style, but I ended up having everyone's admiration when they got to know me. I was hard but fair, and always would back them regardless. When I retired they all cried that I was leaving. Our relationship was built and when I worked there knew they could come to me for anything... even to (b)witch about anything and knew I would have their back and it was a private thing as I would not spread their feelings.

That is what I meant to Cynthia @MrsPeel re judging by the cover as I scared people sometimes but they found I was the one they could count on for everything and was there for them.

I am still friends with some.. one person I groomed for my position before I left and when she got it, even after my being gone 2 years at that point, that everything she knew she learned from me, even was still using my notes and stuff I "left" to her when I retired. That is what always gave me the warm fuzzies.

Sometimes first impressions are just that.. first impressions Hugs all!!

 

[EHStudios]

again, the Myers Brig!!! I have to do it!!!!!
and I love your work, would love to get to know you more, the bits of conversations we did exchange tell me you are awesome!!!!!!!

It's mainly that I'm a chicken or think poorly of myself that I don't share more, lol!! Probably another reason I give people so much benefit of the doubt since I don't know each person's story to know how open they feel they can be. I just know some have a harder time opening up so sometimes my first impression is simply because they aren't "showing" enough for me to find an emotional way to feel connected.

I'm too emotional! HA!

 

[EHStudios]

I actually get it wrong the other way round more often - I will really like a person, then be absolutely gutted when they turn out to be a wrong' un lol. It sounds really sappy, but I have an ability to see the good in most people.

This!! A million times this lately!

 

[MrsPeel]

ohhh I need to come with time to type to answer....because these are not words I can take lightly..and I am posting my BYOC pages...need to go post around but will be back after, just let me tell you that, the more I read from you all, the more m,y pride grows for being part of this awesome, amazingly rocking ~AWESOME family.

 

[LynnG]

Sometimes they come in and they are angry that they have to learn something new at this point in their life. Others are going through a divorce and suddenly have to change lifestyles etc. The job has shown me that you never know what another person is going through.

Great thoughts @MrsPeel.

I used to be a bit judgemental and rigid when I was younger but I like to think my EQ has increased with increased age LOL. Generally I tend to agree with @kimingvtx that everyone is going through stuff that you don't understand, and also that all of us are to an extent the product of complicated genes etc that may make us more prone to anxieties or issues that affect our behaviour (and that includes me and mine)


However, I am not sure that I have ever become friends with someone I greatly disliked initially. But I am friends with people who, as time has gone on, sometimes make me roll my eyes but I value them nonetheless.

 

[A-M]

I have not read every word shared here but the words I have read are all very interesting.
I am not sure where I stand with "intuition" . Sometimes I can see the real person when I meet someone as I am more a listener than a conversationalist. I get a thrill when I do meet someone who asks me about myself and not just talk about themselves. I am becoming closer friends with someone like that currently.
I do not have any close female friends. I do have a couple of online friends I would regard as being fairly close. I find it difficult to get close to people as I was hurt emotionally by so-called friends at High School. Then as a young adult I was hurt again.

 

[rdjrneace]

I try to be the type of person that not only listens with my ears but listen with my eyes and other senses. I try not to judge (and honestly sometimes that is so hard) but sometimes I do judge by their body language. I once was told that you have to listen also to what is "not being said" which is their body language.

I agree that I people may not be what they seem or their "story" may dictate why act/are a certain way.

I personally have had some tough situations that has caused me to mistrust some but then I decided it does not help me to hold onto grudges because I am closing myself off to others.

I do find it a little funny that we (scrapbookers) are so eager to put ourselves out there for our OLF (and I do consider that I have put myself out there as well as this community is my OLF's). Scrapbooking I think is therapy for some of our RL hurts and allows us to put ourselves out there.

 

[bbymks5]

LOL!! I don't hate you at all!! I've done the MB thing a few times and I'm always the same!

My idea of you is SO SO very different of what you describe as first impressions of you people must have!!!!
and I want to duck now...you must hate me!!!! what you say in ten words, others say in 100, I would have to say almost 500 (that if you are in luck I can go to 1000!!! LOL)

I now need to go after all the reading and writing, need medication but will be back asap!!!!

 

[gonewiththewind]

I can't avoid registering first impressions, in real life or online. They are there, I acknowledge them and listen to them, but also take them with a grain of salt. I totally agree with what Courtney posted about stopping to think about where the person is in their story and where I come into that story . . . not that I'm able to do that all the time. I'm human and make rash judgments a lot.

 

[cookingmylife]

I saw this one time, and I try to always keep it in mind when I'm startled by a new aquaintance behavior.

Wonderful reminder Courtney! I would have quoted @cfile also because I'm another Virgo re work and a lot of other life that could be me. I look back and laugh at one employee I had who, when told of a particular assignment said "But that's not fun!!!" She was only learning that work might not always 'be fun' but you still have to do it.

I am a consistent-over-the-years ESTJ but...have trusted my gut impressions of people until they prove otherwise. I may not have known it was my intuitive side early on but we all have it. I was much more cynical in my younger days but life has taught me that most people are doing the best they can with where they are right now. And I have lived long enough to see people change, many for the better but not always.

I have had one woman friend who I have gradually realized that the person she projects to the world may not be real. The education, the prior marriage...I've heard so many different stories about both over the years that I think it's just the self she wishes to show, even if it's all fantasy. I haven't had this happen before in my life but it's been an eye opening experience. Recently, I came very close to trying discussing this with her but she has backed away first. It will be interesting to see how this plays out in our lives.

 

[MrsPeel]

ok, I' back with time, and feeling blessed to have you all for me to "listen" /read and think and keep growing or sometimes questioning my own ways of going about things with some really good points you all make.

I think in general what I see is, most of us get wiser with time and are more patient and understanding....

Funny post! I am SO bad at first impressions!! Almost all of my closest friends now, I did not like when I first met them. I guess I met most of them at my kids school and that always has layers of complexity but my hit rate of picking the good ones straight away was very low... I first met my closest IRL friend when she crashed into another friend parking _ thought she was a complete ditz...

On the plus side, I apparently give people second chances alot, luckily for me, I now have the best friends I could hope for.

My scrapping friends have been easier, I now go with the flow more and assume if they share my love, they have to be great - so far, so good!!

( the one exception was the first online scrap club I joined, we all subscribed to the same paper based kits - those people were the worst and I left as soon as I could... no problems here though!)

I learned about the giving second (third and even 4th sometimes) chances to friends, in some occasions, it all worked well in the end, kind of relating to what Courtney posted about not knowing in which chapter of their lives we walk in..... I have learned to be tolerant and also over the years have stopped tryng to convince people that I have the one truth of all..... I used to be like this until my mid 20s.... then I learned to live and let live, and be a bit more understanding.
Like you, that way I have now some of the best ever friends life can give...and also have got rid of some toxic people by seeing after a few times that their behavior wasn't healthy for me....

Funny about the scrap community... to me, having spent time in the entertainment industry, I was so weary of people, and when the online thing started, me being quiet old already, I was weary also of people who may noyt be who they are...but my very first scrapping online site was so so amazing..... I was blown by the love and understanding, then it took a while in my second place, but we ended up being an amazing community until something happened and a big bunch of us left....after that? I spent 4 years being in over 20 CTs, and couldn't find a scrap home...not for lack of trying. 4 years. Then I landed here.... and ..well, we all know how much we love The Pad!!!!!!!

So, I always try to be open minded. That said, I tend to be loyal once you make it into my inner circle.
I saw this one time, and I try to always keep it in mind when I'm startled by a new aquaintance behavior.

I think as I see everyone's layouts, and read journaling that I take this more to heart. I hear about experiences that others have had in their lives, and try to remember that I could be walking into their story at the epic battle point, or at the crossroads, or at the big finale.

oh I will take this quote and print it to look at it everyday.

This is so interesting. I definitely go by instincts - I live my whole life instinctively mostly. But if I don't like someone to begin with (doesn't happen often) I am quite happy to change my mind as I get to know them. But once someone has shown me they are dishonest, sneaky or untrustworthy, they don't get another chance. I am fiercely loyal to my friends and expect the same from them. I actually get it wrong the other way round more often - I will really like a person, then be absolutely gutted when they turn out to be a wrong' un lol. It sounds really sappy, but I have an ability to see the good in most people. As has been said, everyone has a story and I really try to understand most behaviours. I am described most often as friendly and approachable - which makes me sound like an affable spaniel But it's probably true as the thought of someone not being able to approach me is just awful. As for my cyber friends. They are as important as my 'real' friends. A connection is a connection and scrapping people share something special anyway. We are all recording our family's history, preserving memories and documenting the little things. I love that I am amongst people that get that!

oh...the getting hurt by people..... I was more than hurt in my teens, 20s and 30s. Being on stage or in bands, those scenes are so so difficult to find your proper flooring.... and I am extremely emotional, but VERY VERY extremely emotional. For years, those hurts made me harder and I wouldn't easily trust, then as I grew up and older, it instead made me more understanding and patient. Being a mum was a definitive point in my life... like some black out curtain was taken from in front of my heart & I understood so much....

Funnily enough, in the in person, "real life" thing I had more disappointments than online.
The scrappers, it has been the other way around.
A few people I first disliked or didn't get a good vibe, are now some of the people I most admire and try to learn from...

Oh


Coutney, love that quote!! When I worked - I had been called an "ogre" lol Not sure why, maybe my NY upbringing and then I was working here in Virginia, but my attitude was do your job I was always good at helping anyone that I was a "team leader" for, but I did not do well with laziness. Maybe that is why they called me an "ogre" but they all knew I knew my stuff, was the expert, would give them the right answer, but I would also help them to find the answer themselves. I guess I did the "tough love" style, but I ended up having everyone's admiration when they got to know me. I was hard but fair, and always would back them regardless. When I retired they all cried that I was leaving. Our relationship was built and when I worked there knew they could come to me for anything... even to (b)witch about anything and knew I would have their back and it was a private thing as I would not spread their feelings.

That is what I meant to Cynthia @MrsPeel re judging by the cover as I scared people sometimes but they found I was the one they could count on for everything and was there for them.

I am still friends with some.. one person I groomed for my position before I left and when she got it, even after my being gone 2 years at that point, that everything she knew she learned from me, even was still using my notes and stuff I "left" to her when I retired. That is what always gave me the warm fuzzies.

Sometimes first impressions are just that.. first impressions Hugs all!!

indeed!!!!!!!!!!

It's mainly that I'm a chicken or think poorly of myself that I don't share more, lol!! Probably another reason I give people so much benefit of the doubt since I don't know each person's story to know how open they feel they can be. I just know some have a harder time opening up so sometimes my first impression is simply because they aren't "showing" enough for me to find an emotional way to feel connected.

I'm too emotional! HA!

{{{{Hugggzzz}}}}}} me too!!!!! emotional to the point I cry with some comments in my pages -
You can't force things, whatever you feel comfortable sharing, will be more than fine.....

Great thoughts @MrsPeel.

I used to be a bit judgemental and rigid when I was younger but I like to think my EQ has increased with increased age LOL. Generally I tend to agree with @kimingvtx that everyone is going through stuff that you don't understand, and also that all of us are to an extent the product of complicated genes etc that may make us more prone to anxieties or issues that affect our behaviour (and that includes me and mine)


However, I am not sure that I have ever become friends with someone I greatly disliked initially. But I am friends with people who, as time has gone on, sometimes make me roll my eyes but I value them nonetheless.

I'm with you on this one, I was so rushed on forming opinions about people, but also got hurt ...not by having first impressions that were disappointing after, but being hurt be people whom I considered my friends, that made me harsh and it took time, a lot of life experiences and learning from others to be more tolerant, patient, I have changed so much in the past 25 years....
on he first impressions thing, I have been very very rarely wring on "real life" people, I have , though, mis -judge some online people , as I mentioned before, whom now are my most loved and admired!!!!

I have not read every word shared here but the words I have read are all very interesting.
I am not sure where I stand with "intuition" . Sometimes I can see the real person when I meet someone as I am more a listener than a conversationalist. I get a thrill when I do meet someone who asks me about myself and not just talk about themselves. I am becoming closer friends with someone like that currently.
I do not have any close female friends. I do have a couple of online friends I would regard as being fairly close. I find it difficult to get close to people as I was hurt emotionally by so-called friends at High School. Then as a young adult I was hurt again.

I hear you....loud and clear, even though I am a talker (sometimes too much even for my own standards !!!) I got a bit weary at some point in life with "real life" people
As I mentioned above, in the off line world I had more disappointments regarding first impressions (and friends ) than online....online I think my only disappointments were 2 people, the rest, it has been the other way around, people I miss judge and now I completely adore!!!!
I know I remember exactly when you came in to The Pad, and I thought I hope you stick around....so so pleased you did!!!!!!!

I try to be the type of person that not only listens with my ears but listen with my eyes and other senses. I try not to judge (and honestly sometimes that is so hard) but sometimes I do judge by their body language. I once was told that you have to listen also to what is "not being said" which is their body language.

I agree that I people may not be what they seem or their "story" may dictate why act/are a certain way.

I personally have had some tough situations that has caused me to mistrust some but then I decided it does not help me to hold onto grudges because I am closing myself off to others.

I do find it a little funny that we (scrapbookers) are so eager to put ourselves out there for our OLF (and I do consider that I have put myself out there as well as this community is my OLF's). Scrapbooking I think is therapy for some of our RL hurts and allows us to put ourselves out there.

Oh it is so hard to avoid judging, I think this society has grown to make us pass judgment, I fight that all the time, and tried to teach my daughter to be understanding and kind and not stop at first impressions....

I also agree that for many, many of us the scrapbooking is a therapy, I know I wont have been able to stay relatively sane if not for this family here... ad the scrapping itself is my best pain relief therapy.
Now I googled the OLF but I don;t think you meant about pollution levels?
I mean I understand the general meaning of what you say, but maybe if I know what OLF is I will a lot better (apologies for the dumbness/non English native speaker thing!) @rdjrneace

LOL!! I don't hate you at all!! I've done the MB thing a few times and I'm always the same!

Oh I wasn't saying the MB was wrong, just that my impression of yours was a different one ti what you were describing as people's first impressions of yours....remember here online, we have no image moving, no facial expressions or voice tone to consider....but I remember you arriving, you had an avatar that was with your husband? or with someone else, my memory is bad right now but I know I loved your pages and was puzzled by the nickname.... loved you and love you even more with this avatar and with each new page you make!!!!!

I can't avoid registering first impressions, in real life or online. They are there, I acknowledge them and listen to them, but also take them with a grain of salt. I totally agree with what Courtney posted about stopping to think about where the person is in their story and where I come into that story . . . not that I'm able to do that all the time. I'm human and make rash judgments a lot.

and this is why you have turned into one of my wisest, more amazing role models I have ...

Wonderful reminder Courtney! I would have quoted @cfile also because I'm another Virgo re work and a lot of other life that could be me. I look back and laugh at one employee I had who, when told of a particular assignment said "But that's not fun!!!" She was only learning that work might not always 'be fun' but you still have to do it.

I am a consistent-over-the-years ESTJ but...have trusted my gut impressions of people until they prove otherwise. I may not have known it was my intuitive side early on but we all have it. I was much more cynical in my younger days but life has taught me that most people are doing the best they can with where they are right now. And I have lived long enough to see people change, many for the better but not always.

I have had one woman friend who I have gradually realized that the person she projects to the world may not be real. The education, the prior marriage...I've heard so many different stories about both over the years that I think it's just the self she wishes to show, even if it's all fantasy. I haven't had this happen before in my life but it's been an eye opening experience. Recently, I came very close to trying discussing this with her but she has backed away first. It will be interesting to see how this plays out in our lives.

I used to think people can't change.
I have seen people I love changed radically, some for the best, some for the worse..... so I have grown into trying to be more understanding and I try to evaluate by, if the more of what this person is/ does/ acts is something I approve or think right, I stay...if is the other way around, I take distance

About people who create a different life.... in the show biz you get a LOT of that.... I have also learned to understand where that comes from, sometimes is understandable...others..... dunno LOL
same as before, I see if there is more of good than bad, if not, I take distance...


This is one thing I love about the scrapbooking... the nature is that everyone is sharing their own stories, and I gave never come across anyone who wasn't/ins't who they show to be

 

[Sokee]

in·stinct
NOUN
instincts (plural noun)

1. an innate, typically fixed pattern of behavior in animals in response to certain stimuli:
   "birds have an instinct to build nests" ·
   inclination · urge · drive · compulsion · need · intuition · feeling · hunch · sixth sense · insight · nose
2. a natural propensity or skill of a specified kind:
   "his instinct for making the most of his chances"
   synonyms: talent · gift · ability · aptitude · faculty · skill · flair · feel · genius · knack · bent
3. the fact or quality of possessing innate behavior patterns:
   "instinct told her not to ask the question"

instincts............... I am a person that has 'gut' feelings about people when I first meet them! BUT I do get to know people as I know that a person's behavior when you first meet them MIGHT NOT reflect the person they are... or sometime it MIGHT! What if they are having a bad day? Something going on in their personal life that you have no idea about. Some people are so private it takes awhile to realize what is really going on in their lives. And I admit sometimes some people are just nasty and you think to yourself, why would you waste your entire life living this way!?

I have to admit I've kept people in my life for years and I was the only one to make the effort. When I stopped being the first person to reach out all of a sudden there is nothing. First your hurt, then after awhile you feel sad. Sad that you don't mean enough to the other person for them to reach towards you.

Instinct..... are we people that have good feelings towards someone who is more like ourselves? So we have Bad Instincts towards someone who really could be a wonderful person to have in our lives but they are the opposite of us? example I'm a very quiet person, at a party you will find me sitting somewhere and most times I don't float around the room introducing myself to new people. I will visit if you sit next to me and introduce yourself to me first. Just the though of going into a room of strangers gives me heart palpitations. I'm very good with small groups and one on one. BUT does that mean the person that comes into a room and is the life of the party a bad person? NO!

This is a very good conversation to have Cynthia! Thanks for bringing it up!

 

[bbymks5]

This is where my lack of using my word skills comes into play ROFL!! I knew what you meant, but I blurted out that I've done the MB test a few times and always get the same, so it's a pretty interesting test, just have to be 100% honest with yourself as you answer the questions

It was the hubster LOL!! We went and saw Star Wars (Rogue One aka Boring One) that day with the girls...it was sprinkling a little and we were standing at the back of my car with the garage door open hehehe!!

bbymks5 said: ↑
LOL!! I don't hate you at all!! I've done the MB thing a few times and I'm always the same!

Oh I wasn't saying the MB was wrong, just that my impression of yours was a different one ti what you were describing as people's first impressions of yours....remember here online, we have no image moving, no facial expressions or voice tone to consider....but I remember you arriving, you had an avatar that was with your husband? or with someone else, my memory is bad right now but I know I loved your pages and was puzzled by the nickname.... loved you and love you even more with this avatar and with each new page you make!!!!!

 

[bbymks5]

Kind of related to when you stop reaching out to someone first...

I had EVERY good intention of keeping in touch with some of the people I worked with after I had Sonnet and made the decision to not go back to work...I was really good at it for a little bit, but rather quickly my hermit side took over; I would have mental conversations with my favorites and it was just as good as texting them and I was good. It really sounds horrible, but I don't do it to be cruel to the other person.

I had a coworker reach out to me after I had stopped being the first to reach out, asking what had happened to me and I told her, "it's a two way street, I haven't heard from you in almost a year since I reached out to you last, so I started having mental conversations with you and called it good" she replied "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" and I never heard from her again. It's been almost 4 years and I can still play out how one of our conversations would go.

in·stinct
NOUN
instincts (plural noun)

1. an innate, typically fixed pattern of behavior in animals in response to certain stimuli:
   "birds have an instinct to build nests" ·
   inclination · urge · drive · compulsion · need · intuition · feeling · hunch · sixth sense · insight · nose
2. a natural propensity or skill of a specified kind:
   "his instinct for making the most of his chances"
   synonyms: talent · gift · ability · aptitude · faculty · skill · flair · feel · genius · knack · bent
3. the fact or quality of possessing innate behavior patterns:
   "instinct told her not to ask the question"

instincts............... I am a person that has 'gut' feelings about people when I first meet them! BUT I do get to know people as I know that a person's behavior when you first meet them MIGHT NOT reflect the person they are... or sometime it MIGHT! What if they are having a bad day? Something going on in their personal life that you have no idea about. Some people are so private it takes awhile to realize what is really going on in their lives. And I admit sometimes some people are just nasty and you think to yourself, why would you waste your entire life living this way!?

I have to admit I've kept people in my life for years and I was the only one to make the effort. When I stopped being the first person to reach out all of a sudden there is nothing. First your hurt, then after awhile you feel sad. Sad that you don't mean enough to the other person for them to reach towards you.

Instinct..... are we people that have good feelings towards someone who is more like ourselves? So we have Bad Instincts towards someone who really could be a wonderful person to have in our lives but they are the opposite of us? example I'm a very quiet person, at a party you will find me sitting somewhere and most times I don't float around the room introducing myself to new people. I will visit if you sit next to me and introduce yourself to me first. Just the though of going into a room of strangers gives me heart palpitations. I'm very good with small groups and one on one. BUT does that mean the person that comes into a room and is the life of the party a bad person? NO!

This is a very good conversation to have Cynthia! Thanks for bringing it up!

 

[Sokee]

"it's a two way street, I haven't heard from you in almost a year since I reached out to you last, so I started having mental conversations with you and called it good" she replied "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" and I never heard from her again. It's been almost 4 years and I can still play out how one of our conversations would go.

I can't help it, this had me laughing! A 'mental conversation' that should of been her clue to laugh but it says a lot that she said it was 'the stupidest thing' and you haven't hear from her.

 

[bbymks5]

Her actions definitely spoke louder than her words that's for sure!!

I can't help it, this had me laughing! A 'mental conversation' that should of been her clue to laugh but it says a lot that she said it was 'the stupidest thing' and you haven't hear from her.