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What To Do | Pad Patter 2/24/22

jk703

jk703

CEO of Anything and Everything, Everywhere
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My oldest, Shayne is 17, and a junior. We are going to head out to look at colleges this spring and check out a few. I keep (and it seems like it's been forever) asking him what he wants to do... but don't really get a response. I have friends with kids in same boat who are also in this predicament.

How did you know what you wanted to do?
What helped you?
Anything I can do to help him?

I have done interview type questions, and tried to ask him what he likes to do and really get in there... but I'm hitting a wall. I am not a good example, as I chose incorrect, lol! I went to business... when in actuality, I really wanted to be a nurse, but realized it too late.

And extra... we are looking for schools that are approx. $20-25K a year give or take a little... know any that you like or family likes that I can peek at? We are on the east coast... we don't have parameters really, but I do like closer..

On top of that, I also don't know if college is right for him... but he needs to go for at least one year. Get a feel and the experience. I say that as my husband and I met in college (at a fraternity party, lol). He didn't finish, but I did x2. lol! I have no qualms about him getting into schools, but I really want him to figure out what he would like to do. I want him to really like what he does and be happy.


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Sorry - I'm being chatty this morning!
Here is the advice we received from our kid's high school, which I thought was good.
  1. Not every student is cut out for college, and that is okay.
  2. Vocational Schools/Trades/apprenticeships are a perfect alternative to college.
  3. If the student doesn't know what they want to do, have them attend a local community college to get the required basic courses completed, at a fraction of the cost of many private colleges/public universities. And in the process may find an area of interest.
  4. Call your student's guidance counselor for options they see may work out for them.
The best advice I received when I was in high school was that it really didn't matter what classes you took the first two years of college, again because they for the most part will fulfill the basic course requirements for any degree. I knew I was going to be an art major, but didn't know my area. (My university had four art schools, each with at least 10 areas of concentration.) I figured it out for my last two years, Fine Art Photography.

Another case in point, my son. He's ASD and ADHD with no interests outside of computer gaming. He didn't know what to do, so we sent him to the community college. He tried, but he failed out. During this time I received a call from the Special Ed division of our school district, following up on how he was doing since he graduated from school. During the conversation, and after asking various questions, she asked if he was open to working in the trades, because she knew the Welding community of workers were quickly retiring without the workforce to fill their vacancies. I mentioned this to him and he seemed open, so we enrolled him into the Welding Certificate program at the community college. He liked the work and said it was something he could see himself doing for a job. He almost completed the certificate program (minus the required English class), then got various positions working as a jobsite helper while he gained experience and applied to the Apprenticeship Program with the Steamfitter's Union. After three years of trying he was finally accepted, and started in June.

I guess what I'm saying is many times this is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. It's also hard on kids when many of their friends "know" what they're going to do and they don't, even when it comes to which college to attend. I'd say don't worry about it. If he needs to take a year off to work, let him. It may give him the perspective he needs.

I hope this helps a bit. This comes from a mom with two kids, one who knew what to do and has crashed, the other that was lost and has found direction. They'll both be okay, but this journey they're on is all part of life.

Hang in there! :glomp
 
As for visits this spring, I would just go to someplace close to home before traveling too far. See if his interest is peaked from actually being on a campus. He's got another whole year of school to get through before college is "real" for him.

Also why force him to go to college if he seems uninterested and you aren't sure it is for him? Some individuals just aren't ready for college at 18. Why not also suggest that instead of college he spend a year working. Or maybe a community college close to home would be an option (if there are any in your area).

I have definitely changed my mind about every one having to go to college. I've got a cousin who has 2 very smart sons and neither one of them wanted to go to school. They even live in a town where there is a community college and residents of the town get a deeply discounted education. Neither was interested. They now both have very good jobs... what you would call a "dirty job" (per Mike Rowe). They make more money than I ever did with my 4 year degree. And, they don't have student loans to pay on for a major they might not even be using.

JMHO

Edit to add: Another cousin has a son that was going to a community college. He had a diagnosis I believe of ADHD as a child and only excelled at things he was interested in. He would start things and quit all the time. In his first semester of community college, he quit... the week before finals. Mom and Dad were not very happy especially when he said he wanted to join the Navy. They kept telling him that he couldn't "quit" the Navy if he didn't like it. He enlisted without them knowing about it. This was in 2002. He went through boot camp and was in his training program when he got pulled out to serve on the USS Nimitz in the Persian Gulf. He ended up learning on duty. He served his 4 years and loved the job he did in the Navy. He ended up staying in San Diego after getting out and ended up working as an outside contractor doing the same job. Still there 16 years later and loves it.
 
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I don't know how different things are so my advice may not apply.

If he's not ready, don't force it. I forced it straight out of high school and didn't finish anything. When I went to university to do my undergrad degree, I was 24 and much more "ready" for it and focused.

If your son could talk to a careers counsellor or advisor, I'd strongly advise that. I was turned down to my "dream" degree and had limited time to make a choice so I went to a careers advisor and I found the perfect fit for me. At high school my plan was radiology/medical imaging - failed and repeated physics at high school so that was never going to work, I then changed it in 2010 to nursing but in the end even with predegree courses I didn't have the grades to get in so ended up doing my degree in disability studies which I never would have done without the hour long careers advisor appointment after being turned down for nursing school.

Mind you this was pre covid, I visited a number of places (in a rush mind you cause semester was starting less than 2 months after I applied) to get a "feel" for the people and campuses so if you can shop around I would. The place you think on paper might be right, in person might not be right
 
If he isn’t ready, I wouldn’t force it. Not everyone is meant to go to college. That is ok. It is not a reflection of someone’s parenting. I left home when I was 18 and had to drop out after a semester. I went back to school after four years out of school and graduated at 26. Just because he doesn’t go right after high school doesn’t mean he won’t go later.

Does he have any interests that could possibly be turned into a career? Is he handy putting things together?

My brother-in-law went to college for almost a year. After dropping out, he got a CdL and became a truck driver. He did that for several years and now works for the federal government inspecting and testing scales for the railroads.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even though our stories are different neither one of us ended up doing what we started doing. I certainly had no desire to become a pharmacist but after working at Walgreens as a cashier and then pharm tech, I decided that I would go back to school to make more money. I am not entirely happy with my career but that has more to do with my employer I think than my choice of career. I am happy with the life that I am able to live because of it.

Another thing, if he does go next year, I would focus on electives that most career paths would take towards a degree. That way you aren’t wasting tuition dollars if he changes his mind several times. I was able to get credit for the classes I took at the local community college towards my pharmacy degree at a different school.

Good Luck
 
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I have a senior this year, so we are blundering our way through some of the same things right now too... the difference is my oldest wants to go into chemical engineering. So he knows what he wants to do and it's still so much stuff we are figuring out as we go. Also, I wanted to go into chemistry after high school and bombed out of my first college chemistry class and HATED it, so I totally charged directions and just stumbled into something I loved while in college. So even those kids who "know" what they want to do, can change their minds once they start college and that's totally okay! ETA: I guess what helped me was that in general I knew I liked math and science, so the classes that I started with my freshman year were in that general wheelhouse and exposed me to new things that I didn't know existed. I took a few classes that my friends/classmates had taken after they told me about them and that led to my finding a perfect degree for me. I ended up with a Manufacturing and Industrial Engineering degree after stumbling into a CAD (Computer Aided Design) class where I got to model stuff in 3D. I never knew that was a thing before college and I LOVED it and I still do!

I think almost every college has a general education type path for kids who don't know what they want to do yet, so it's totally okay for him to take a broad range of classes to start out and figure out if anything perks his interest. I think when you go visit colleges you can request to speak to a counselor at that time and discuss his options. Does he like math and sciences better than history/english type classes? If he has certain classes that he likes better that can help steer him towards different electives too. But, mostly I think it's okay to let him know that it's okay to not know what he wants to do yet and that he certainly is not alone in that feeling. It's so much pressure on kids these days to have a life goal already and sometimes that pressure just makes it harder when you don't know what the options even are let alone knowing which one is going to fit you. My youngest who is a sophomore is in this boat. He only knows what he doesn't want and that's any more math! :giggle He likes science, but really struggles with the math involved, so he think he has to go a completely different route. He's thinking business because he can't actually think of what else there is. He will definitely be one of those kids who goes off to college undeclared and could possibly take an extra year to figure things out and that's totally okay with us. I also have talked with him about trade school options since I believe those vocations are going to be more and more in demand and valued. Our school has job fairs to try to give kids an idea of what types of jobs are out there, but I remember going to work with my Dad (electrical engineer) as a high schooler and I left there even more confused. I had no clue what he did before or after that visit! :rofl
 
Also! My sister (older by 16 months) didn't know what she wanted to do after high school and went to a community college for a couple years while I went off to a University a year after. I think she needed a little bit of time to just figure stuff out. She came to visit me at my school a couple of times and realized that she really wanted to go to college too and ended up coming to my school and we even lived together. She ended up with a microbiology degree. She definitely struggled through some of the classes, but she knew she wanted it after waiting those couple of years, so she worked her butt off to get it!
 
Thank you all so much! I really will use some of this information and it will benefit me with your insight!

I won't force him to do anything. I would like a year of college for the experience... but I know that it's not me doing it, living it, putting in the effort, etc. We are very plain and open with our kids. If he doesn't want it, I won't make him. I'm here to help him, support him, not decide or do the work for him.

My wanting him to try college away for a year actually stems from me going to community school for 2 years before college. I really felt like I missed so much. It's a suggestion, not a demand. :)

I think trade work is fantastic, and can see him doing that. We suggested vocational school through high school, but he wasn't yet interested. He has a knack for working with his hands, so that may still be in his future. My Dad was an electrician, and my husband is a installation/service/Field Op Tech for Verizon. We have good contacts with Auto Repair, Landscaping, Construction, the Railroad, and other areas too if he leans that way.

He's got a good brain, problem solving skills, can get you from A to B, and has great common sense. He will do well no matter what.

And such a great reminder that the first 2 years of college don't really mean much! I forgot all those crazy classes I had to take that are forced on each student.
 
I've thought about this some more from my experience. Just remember I was in college 45 years ago!

I knew the school I wanted to attend. That was not my issue and in those days it was a lot easier to get accepted. In fact I only ever applied to one school and got my acceptance on Dec 1 of my senior year. I remember the date because it was my dad's birthday. I was also one of the first in my class to be accepted. Most had not even started to apply yet. My goal was to become a librarian and my school had the Master's program to get that degree so I could complete all 5 years in the same place. I started out in Arts & Sciences with general courses and decided to switch to Business Education during my 1st quarter. I ended up getting my Bachelor's in Education and never did go for the Master's in Library Science. I started working in a hospital accounting office to get the certification needed to teach what was then called IOE (Intensive Office Education). While there I found I liked accounting so I decided to take some more accounting classes at my college since I was living in the same city. They always said that Intermediate Accounting would "make or break" the accounting student. As a 24 year old... it broke me. I eventually left that city, tried teaching and found I didn't love it, worked a couple other clerical type jobs and decided to return to school. I ended up getting an Associate's Degree in Accounting (yep, I did it backwards!). In my mid 30's the Intermediate Accounting class didn't "break" me. I ended up being very happy with my career choice after that!

Another story about a high school friend. She wanted to be a pharmacist and chose her college for their Pharmacy program. She loved the math and biology classes. She was always told that Organic Chemistry was the "make or break" class for Pharmacy. Like me, that class "broke" her. She ended up with a Biology degree. On a day shopping trip to Toledo she happened upon an advertisement in a paper that was from the Medical College of Toledo for students interested in becoming respiratory therapists studying in their accelerated program. Instead of 2 years training, it was less than 6 months on the job training. She applied on a whim and got in. Ended up loving it (and met her husband through it). She even got the opportunity to be the head of a hyperbaric chamber unit at a hospital in Chicago for a couple of years. She returned to Ohio, married her RT husband and continued working as a RT. She eventually moved into management level jobs, got a Master's degree and is now the chair and an instructor of the Respiratory Therapy Program at a local accredited, 2-year state college.

So even those that think they know what they want at 17 don't always succeed. Paths take turns in many unexpected ways.
 
What Jan said.
I told my oldest he couldn't spend a year doing nothing, he either had to work or do a year's course.
He chose a year of IT. He struck out and failed his re-writes of high school, but by that time was flourishing in the IT so he did a second year - the diploma, and by the time he was third year he completed his degree and started working.
I think IT is a great filler, most people need It support and it's quite a lucrative career.

My second has a law degree and he looks at his friends that did a 1 year IT course and they are streaks ahead of where he is at now in terms of their earning potential. Of course, we do trust that once he has done his 2 years of articles and passed the bar - his earning potential will beat theirs.

Boys especially just need a little more time to mature and find their way forward.
 
Daniel will be a senior next year, and for right now, he's focusing on cybersecurity. He has been taking classes and getting certifications. There is a local vocational technology school that he might go to, but I really think he's going to do his two year AA/AS with our local college, and then will pop over to our local university to finish the final two. He has mentioned going straight to university, but I just don't know if that's going to be right for him.

I've had a hard time accepting that my gifted son might not get a college degree. There are loads of trades/dirty jobs that really need workers and he might end up doing something like that if he turns away from cybersecurity. I keep reminding myself that I got a four year degree and I never worked in my vocation of choice yet still found gainful employment.

Sending ((HUGS)) because I don't have any answers.
 
Eyeore said:
Boys especially just need a little more time to mature and find their way forward.
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I totally agree with this!


Thanks again everyone. It's interesting to read all the stories and ways we ended up at our jobs. I call myself a Jenn Of All Trades. I have a quite a bit of a mixed lot in my background, haha!

I went to school and have a BS in Psychology, then got BA in Business with a minor in Marketing. I was planning on going to get my Masters in Business Psychology and work at a big corporate company. Life and kids happened.

No matter what, I just want him to be happy, and will help/support him as he needs!
 
Eyeore said:
Boys especially just need a little more time to mature and find their way forward.
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100% this! There's a study (or 10!) out there that talks about how school is really set up for girls to thrive, and that's one of the reasons boys can struggle a lot.

Back to your original question: Have you considered looking into a Volunteer program? Like Habitat for Humanity or others that I can't think of where high school kids go out into the world and learn skills, travel and help people? Maybe taking a gap year would be good for him to explore other options and find something that interests him?

I wish I'd taken a gap year, but I didn't. So, off to college I went, and hated it. I was a good student, but I didn't enjoy anything about it. My major was theater because I had a scholarship, but I was also doing elementary education (which I thought I'd like, but nope.). So, I quit after the first year. I went back and took some classes a few years (and a marriage) later because I thought I wanted to be a paralegal. Changed my mind on that, and a move meant I stopped again. I finally went back a few years ago and got my degree. In General Studies with certificates in Web Design, administrative assistant, web development, etc. General Studies because I like learning a little about everything. I have the piece of paper, but honestly, it hasn't changed anything right now. My husband went to college right after high school in theater (again, scholarship). He took 2 years off for a mission and came back wanting to do hospitality management. Well, the school kept messing with the program, and he wasn't 'locked in' yet, so he instead went through the degree audit to see what the fastest degree he could get was - English major. So he did, and then went and was hired by Marriott anyway. They didn't care what the degree was, as long as he had one. A couple years later, he ended up back in school for his nursing license. Now, he has a Master's in Nursing. He is using that degree.

Anyway, for me, I wish my parents had let me had a year break from high school before college. A lot of life happened the end of my junior into my senior year in high school, and I think having a gap year would have let me figure out what I wanted to do rather than wasting time and money that first year. Even though on paper I should have been a great college kid, it wasn't the right timing. I hated having people ask me at 18 what I wanted to do with the rest of my life when I didn't know what the options were. I had taken some aptitude tests, but those are still pretty basic. I had wanted to be a lawyer, but I didn't want to do all the school associated with that, but at that time I didn't know paralegals existed. I kinda picked elementary ed because I figured the world always needs teachers, not because I liked being around kids (oldest of 7 at that time - I was over kids!). I wish I had known then other job opportunities. I don't know if it was oblivion, but I hadn't really thought about electricians and architects and such as jobs.
 
I love everything that everyone has said so far :)

I have one (30 year old) that went in to the military, mainly for the education at the time. He tried college after basic training, but it just wasn't for him. He has used the training he got in the military to further his medical journey and now works for them full time.

The second (26) took Dental Assisting at votech in high school, was certified, and never used it lol She went straight to work at a day care, the hospital, and now a water company doing billing and loves it.
I really wanted all my kids to go to college because I loved it so much and I just wanted them to have the experience. The older two just didn't have the desire to do that.

Now we are on the youngest (16). He is college bound without a doubt...unless something takes a major turn. He will be 17 in June and knows what he wants to do. He has loved history all his life and is going to pursue a history degree and wants to one day teach at the college level. We are going to start the college visit thing soon as well. He has schools picked out from here to TX lol and I'm trying to get him to really narrow down his choices.

Community College is another great alternative for kids who are still trying to figure it all out. They can get the basics out of the way while deciding what they want to do and if that means more college, they're golden and if it doesn't, they at least have more skills to take in to the workforce.
 
There is nothing wrong with a vocational school. My brother got a degree from a technical College in electrical and made lots of money. My Sister In Law never went to college and worked in a bank for 30 year. She became a vice president. My Son in Law didn't go to college and works in an oil plant and makes VERY good money. I got a degree in English, was going to be a teacher but got divorced and didn't take the education courses I needed. I ended up getting a paralegal degree and loved it. If they want to take time off, then work or go to a community college to save money and get the basics you need anyway.
 
Showing my age here, but... our kids are 37 &31 Oldest is the academic to the hilt. She is a linguist and very independent- may be why she is single. She loved school except for high school b/c she struggled socially. But now she is great in that area and has a record of success in both life areas. Youngest is as intelligent (per the academic testing) but hated school. We tried to get him to go to college.He was a prolific musician (plays 5 instruments) and social butterfly. He fudged after a few weeks- skipping classes and living off the student aid. Did it a second time when he moved to where his new girlfriend was from! She is his wife of 11 years, and he has been in the ministry for 7 of those years, with three kids and a very good reputation in the region. He is a pioneer, a self starter, self taught sound board mgr, stage light technician, and yes, he did take a few ministry courses. He is now ordained. He just had a different path- but now it all adds up because his parents are very unconventional, LOL!!! As long as your son isn't going off the rails, give him time to find his way- he will. There was a point where we wondered ( about 6 months after graduation) but it worked out. If he loves working with his hands, let him! He will be amazing!! :D
 
IntenseMagic said:
I have one (30 year old) that went in to the military, mainly for the education at the time. He tried college after basic training, but it just wasn't for him. He has used the training he got in the military to further his medical journey and now works for them full time.
Click to expand...

Back in November 2000 at a Thanksgiving gathering with the family of an aunt and uncle, I asked one of the grandsons (cousin to the one I talked about above) what he was going to do after graduation the next May. He answered with "it depends on who wins the election, I'm either joining the Navy or attending Purdue". He graduated May 30 and went into the Navy on May 31, 2001. His goal was to work in the nuclear energy field. He got into nuke school in SC and was there when 911 happened. His mom was worried they would pull him to serve but they didn't. He ended up being stationed on the George Washington carrier the next 5 years. There were 3 levels of individuals working in the nuclear area of the ship. He was in the highest level... only 13 people were allowed in that area. When he got out of the Navy he had his choice of where he wanted to work. He chose to stay close to home and is working in a related industry. I think he might have continued his education but not sure. He never regretted choosing the Navy over Purdue.
 
Our oldest thought she wanted to be a teacher. We visited a couple of schools and I think she realized she didn't really want to do that. During one of those visits, she visited the nursing program at the university near us and fell in love. She got accepted this year and is loving it. So, I say maybe visit some schools and see if there's anything that interests him. Maybe it will spark something.

Our 17-year-old is currently dual enrolling at the local community college and is hoping to have her AA degree by the time she graduates High School. She's very musical. Plays so many instruments, writes beautiful songs, etc... We aren't sure the college path will help her along those lines...spending thousands of dollars...?!? Could he possibly dual enroll while in High School & get some of those basic requirements out of the way. Our oldest daughter also did this and so she could focus on core classes once she went to university.

We tell our kids there's no need to go to college unless you NEED to (teacher, doctor, nurse, engineer, etc...). Why spend thousands of dollars, go into debt...just to go to college? And we aren't really too keen on "the college experience" that so many think our kids need to have.
 
Mine thought he wanted to be an Accountant, then specialize in Forensic Accounting. He didn't even apply locally, knew right from the beginning that he wanted to move away. Let's just say the first year was a very expensive lesson, he chose the correct school but not the correct degree and discovered he didn't want to be an accountant.

Year 2 he switched from a Bachelor's to what I think in the US is called an Associate's Degree (Advanced Diploma here in Canada for 3 years programmes) in Marketing and really enjoyed it. He came home and then went to the local college for an Advanced Diploma in Finance. Six and a half years later, he finished school in December and was employed full-time by the middle of January. Not really doing what his diplomas say (inside sales for the manufacturing industry) but they are paying him well for no experience, offer benefits, and the opportunity for raises. It's a great full-time job and he can live at home until he is ready to move back up to where he originally went to college (what he wants).

I tried steering him toward the trades (no school debt, great jobs, and opportunities) but he was not interested in any of those sadly. I wish he would have taken a year and worked or gone to the local college for a year taking just general business but he was adamant he was going away. It was hard moving my 17 year old (November birthday) 3 1/2 hours away.

As for me, I knew what I wanted to do just had to find the 'title' for it and once I did I was on my way. I have been in my field for 32 years in the education system.
 
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