saying goodbye | pad patter 8.28.18

[keepscrappin]

@keepscrappin @BevG @londoncuppa @*gina*

Hugs all around!

Yes, I do cry and often. I'm not ashamed. LOL In fact, sometimes I wish I were a bit more stoic, but oh well, this is the personality God gave me.

Olivia has been gone for three years at university, but the university is only 20-30 minutes away (depending on traffic) so we saw her frequently and she often came home for the weekends and for sure at holidays. Now, she is back for her final semester . . . she didn't want to sign a full lease at her apartment (her other three roommates were moving out) and then try to get someone to take over the lease when she graduates in December. So she came home in May and spent the summer going to the university for her internship and then stopping by her apartment to gradually move home. It's been an adjustment for all of us, because she is so used to her independence, and well, we had grown used to her not being here.

Daniel is 13 and he absolutely LOVES having his sister back home. It's delightful that they get along so well with each other, as I know from experience what a blessing siblings are.

It's so hard to let them go and then not let them go at the same time. I muddled through it somehow. I know the first year was the hardest, but it was the first semester that seemed unbearable since I went from knowing everything about her to knowing nothing. By the second semester I had started to adjust, but she was changing so much it was so awkward and strange so many times when she visited. So I definitely feel your pain!

oh yes, the having a young adult back living with you when they're used to being on their own and living by their own rules was an adjustment. Aspen came home over the weekend and Chase went on a date and it was hard to bite my tongue and not give them a curfew. For the most part they haven't been too bad (coming home between midnight and 1 am) because we've told them that others still have to get up and go to school and work. They've been quiet and made sure to lock the door behind them. It's just hard to go to bed knowing that they are still out there. One of us has always waited up for them to make sure they made it home safely.

 

[keepscrappin]

I'm not there yet. BUT... I will be a mess. No doubt about it for me.

I'm not an overly open or emotional person and usually don't cry. It takes a lot - like I might get a lump in my throat during TV shows or movies, or a touching video or whatever, but rarely cry. When the boys leave, I will be a complete basket case. We are a pretty close knit family and I will be beside myself. I dread this. And... I will follow them, lol!

I have to laugh when you said you will follow them, because I seriously thought about putting the house for sale and moving to Provo or Orem so we could be close to them. But I know that they need this time to be on their own and learn how to be responsible for themselves. I moved away to college and my husband didn't and he always says that he wished he would have had the college life experience.

 

[keepscrappin]

Kayla,
I totally feel for you, my sister dropped her only daughter at college and I have gotten more calls from her since then than in my lifetime.
Bianca started middle school and this was a bit hard for me because I know she IS different to most girls her age. I am scared that mean kids will make it hard. Kindergarten was a BREEZE!

Yep, my sisters called me a lot when their kids went to college and I'm sure I'm going to call them more too. I did start a job teaching computers at the elementary school, so that's keeping my mind off of missing my college kids.

My youngest started Jr high last week and I'm hoping things will stay good with her and the other kids. It's so hard for them at that age and kids can be so mean to each other. I don't know why they think they have to put others down to feel better about themselves.

 

[keepscrappin]

I'm not there yet as my oldest is 13 but I'm not looking forward to that day. I know my son will go to college. His dream is to play college basketball so more that likely, he'll go off to a college further from home. My daughter, based off her personality, I could see her staying around awhile longer after HS. Time will tell.

My mom always told me it goes fast. She is an empty nester now and a widow since my dad passed 4 years ago. But she has my sister across the road so she has grandkids nearby.

You're mom is right it goes so fast! My older sisters tried to tell me, but I didn't listen. I'm going to hold onto the next 6 years with Megan because I know I'll blink and she'll be leaving for college too.

 

[IntenseMagic]

I'm going to try to make everybody feel better and hopefully give you a little giggle. If you're lucky - they come back as adults. Our youngest dd lived with us until she was married, then she and her hubby lived with us for a year. Then she and her son (Asher) have lived with us twice and are currently back with us. It looks like this will be our new normal. She's going to start giving us she and Asher's share of their expenses next month if everything goes like it is now. They've been with us, this time, since last December.

Do you all feel better now???

I was going to say, it's hard when they leave but I may have cried when DD and her little one came back ! She was out of the house for about 3 years, I had gotten used to it and even turned her room in to my office lol. It was an adjustment for all of us.

But yeah, when DS left for the Army, I knew he'd never be back living in our home (even though he is the one that fusses every time I change something because I'm messing with his memories).

There are 10 years between my middle and my youngest, and I still have a few years left with him. But he is the one that says he is never moving out .

I will say this, it is hard to let them go, but I absolutely adore the relationship I have with my adult children. It is so awesome to talk to them and relate to them as adults. And, for me, by the time my youngest is out of the house and off to college or on his own, I will have been raising children for going on 35 years or more. I will be sad for sure, but also ready for the next adventure.

I really don't ever cry, I get sad but I just don't really cry. I think I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've had actual tears in the last 5 or 10 years. My kids joke that I have no heart, but they do know it's just not my nature to cry. My daughter is the same way. She is 23 and I've seen her cry twice in her entire life (besides baby cries, and she didn't do much of that).

 

[keepscrappin]

My point is: distance is tough, for sure. But for me, keeping up family bonds when you're together, no matter the distance, is what's important.

LOVE THIS ^ making the most of our together time is going to be my goal. THANKS for pointing this out to me.

 

[keepscrappin]

Oh I don't know if you saw my novel of a post 2 weeks ago when my son went off to boot camp. I was in a complete fog and probably not even aware of how deep and personal my post was. But oh well! It was the worst day of my life. Since then there have been some scary calls home that were tense and I could hardly make out what he was saying but just knew something went wrong. They were yelling at him to hang up and I couldn't even ask what happened. He ended up in medical and now he's delayed a week and will graduate later than expected. They tell you nothing even when they call to tell you something. It's maddening. I live for his letters. He's completely off the grid. I have good days and bad days. And like you I try to find things to keep me busy so I don't cry as often or think about him so much - but truly he's always on my mind. I'm sorry you only got a short time with your boy after he came home from his mission. I feel your pain and hurt - I'm not ready to be an empty nester either. My baby goes off to college in a year. She's looking at school all the way in CA, TX and Chicago. Only 3 or 4 have caught her eye here on the east coast. And only 1 is a top choice. Gah!
I was just like you - thrilled to have them go to Pre school and Kinder and remember feeling guilty that I was happy while other moms were crying.

Some of his letters make me happy and feel good and then other times he'll write something and I'm a mushy mess. I just went out to run errands and I had watery eyes 3x in 2 hours. It's hard. I never know what little thought is going to release the cry trigger.

Funny story though. Every AM I get a USPS email from Informed Delivery. It lets me know what mail is coming - I only care about letters from my boy. Today I was due to get one. When we checked the mail box it wasn't there. My hubby chased her down and showed her our USPS email with a scan of his letter. She raced up and down the street and found our son's letter in someone else's mailbox. GRRR. She's always mixing up the mail - it drives me crazy. But OH NO - she's not messing with my recruit's letters home. She better straighten out her game - that's all I know. LOL Anyway I got a nice long letter from him and I'm so darn happy.

I did see your post and I've been thinking of you ever since. My sister went through something similar when her son joined the marines and got injured. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. These boys are just boys and they're going out and doing a man's job to protect us. They're incredible and we owe so much to them!

And I'd be chasing down the mail lady too. I didn't know you could get an email saying what mail you should be getting.

 

[carrie1977]

And, for me, by the time my youngest is out of the house and off to college or on his own, I will have been raising children for going on 35 years or more. I will be sad for sure, but also ready for the next adventure.

I'm sure it will be bittersweet for my mom to someday be an "empty nester." My oldest brother is 45 and the youngest will be 17 in November. She has been raising kids for a lot of years. My sister keeps saying she is going to start the process of buying a home but I've been hearing that for years from her. She doesn't pay for anything at my mom's so she's got it made.

 

[keepscrappin]

I'm going to try to make everybody feel better and hopefully give you a little giggle. If you're lucky - they come back as adults. Our youngest dd lived with us until she was married, then she and her hubby lived with us for a year. Then she and her son (Asher) have lived with us twice and are currently back with us. It looks like this will be our new normal. She's going to start giving us she and Asher's share of their expenses next month if everything goes like it is now. They've been with us, this time, since last December.

Do you all feel better now???

Funny you should mention this because I've always told my kids that when they get married they should move out. I've even joked that we would downsize so they couldn't move back in with us. But realistically, sometimes they need help and need to move back in. The only stipulation I have is that I want to be the grandma and not the mom to the grandkids. There's a reason we have kids when we're young and grandkids when we're older. My health couldn't handle being the mom to young children.

 

[keepscrappin]

I was going to say, it's hard when they leave but I may have cried when DD and her little one came back ! She was out of the house for about 3 years, I had gotten used to it and even turned her room in to my office lol. It was an adjustment for all of us.

But yeah, when DS left for the Army, I knew he'd never be back living in our home (even though he is the one that fusses every time I change something because I'm messing with his memories).

There are 10 years between my middle and my youngest, and I still have a few years left with him. But he is the one that says he is never moving out .

I will say this, it is hard to let them go, but I absolutely adore the relationship I have with my adult children. It is so awesome to talk to them and relate to them as adults. And, for me, by the time my youngest is out of the house and off to college or on his own, I will have been raising children for going on 35 years or more. I will be sad for sure, but also ready for the next adventure.

I really don't ever cry, I get sad but I just don't really cry. I think I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've had actual tears in the last 5 or 10 years. My kids joke that I have no heart, but they do know it's just not my nature to cry. My daughter is the same way. She is 23 and I've seen her cry twice in her entire life (besides baby cries, and she didn't do much of that).

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who doesn't want my adult kids and grandchildren to live with me. I've felt guilty about that when I see others have their kids and grandkids move in with them, but I see the tension it causes and the strain on all the relationships and it's not something I want.

I know that I could never live with my Dad or Father in law. Both of our moms are in heaven, so I'm dreading the day when they need elder care. I'm hoping we can afford a care center or one of the other siblings will take them.

As for my kids. I think it's good for their marriages to have to work through things with their spouses and struggle together a bit. Sure, we'll help them if they've done all they can and still need help, but I don't think it's good to solve it for them. Having them stay with us for a couple of weeks while they finishing building a home or something like that is the most I'd want. I'm really picky about things around the house and I'd drive them and their spouses crazy if they lived with us longer than a week or two. lol

 

[Tree City]

This emoji has already been used in this thread but I feel like everyone writing or reading this thread needs a hug. And I'm not even a hugger lol but here's another ...

 

[IntenseMagic]

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who doesn't want my adult kids and grandchildren to live with me.

It's really tough in that situation to just be grandma. Morgan would work all day and I would have the baby, and when she would get home I would try to turn him over to her and remove myself for a bit but he would always find me or I would end up involved. I love him with all my heart, he is amazing, but I told her that it kind of ruined the whole "spoil him and give him back" goodness of being a grandma!! I know people who have this arrangement and love it. It's just not for me. They know if they really need me I'm here with open arms, but it's temporary

 

[tkradtke]

but with college I don't think he'll ever move back home.

I think that's what got me as well when we dropped off our son at college on Sunday. That knowing that from that point forward, our relationship would never be the same again and that he, more than likely, wouldn't ever "live" in our house again. He even switched rooms with his sister a week or so before he left... so where his stuff is right now, isn't even his room really. I just have this dull ache that I can't shake that he's 18, living in another state, and the decisions he makes (good or bad) are his own now.

They were yelling at him to hang up and I couldn't even ask what happened.

Oh my... that would have had my stomach in knots! So glad you got your letter!

She's looking at school all the way in CA, TX and Chicago.

Where in Chicago? You're more than welcome to stay here if you want to do a college visit

 

[keepscrappin]

I think that's what got me as well when we dropped off our son at college on Sunday. That knowing that from that point forward, our relationship would never be the same again and that he, more than likely, wouldn't ever "live" in our house again. He even switched rooms with his sister a week or so before he left... so where his stuff is right now, isn't even his room really. I just have this dull ache that I can't shake that he's 18, living in another state, and the decisions he makes (good or bad) are his own now.

Yes this! That dull ache that things will never be the same. But I'm hopeful that our relationship will grow as we interact adult to adult.

 

[tkradtke]

But I'm hopeful that our relationship will grow as we interact adult to adult.

Me too! But the abrupt switch is what is hard to take. Usually our relationship has evolved slowly over time... but this is like a switch has been flipped... from seeing him daily and knowing his friends as they traipse in and out of our house to not seeing him for months, little communication (he's not a sharer the way Clara is) and not knowing his friends.

 

[wombat146]

Oh Kayla, I can so identify with your words about when your kids started school and you were so happy to have some me time! As a single parent back then with four children, when the youngest started kindergarten I was soooo excited to finally have some time to myself and I didn't cry, not with the other older ones either when they started! LOL! All these many many years later I cry at the drop of the hat, my kids are all grown up and have families of their own so now I find myself getting a bit teary whenever I talked to them on the phone. When I left to come to down to Tassie my middle son took me to the airport and while I was excited in going I still managed to get a bit teary with him! LOL! and don't even get me started on the grandchildren!!!

So sending you big hugs and while it will take a bit of time in adjusting you will find another type of relationship forming with the kids that have flown the nest, you may find that you will talk to them a lot more and that it will be them that will instigating it!

 

[janedee]

Here's another from me. Our girls both went away to university 2,000 miles away. They were always close growing up, so it wasn't too much of a surprise when our younger daughter decided she wanted to go to the same university. The first couple of years we flew down to get them settled, first in residence, then in a house that they shared with a couple of other girls. I was a basket case leaving them that far away except for the saving grace of DH's sister only living an hour or so away from them. I knew that if they ran into any problems their aunt and uncle would be there in a flash. Regardless, I did end up sinking into depression and taking medication for a couple of years. After they finished university, our oldest came home for a year, then decided she wanted to study to become an Osteopath and ended up in New Zealand for seven years! I was worried sick that she wouldn't come back but luckily for us she met a local guy a few months before going and he moved down there to be with her, so they are now married and back in here in town again - pheww!!! Our younger daughter landed a job down east so she stayed there, met a guy, got married and moved to Georgia! They were there for two years then decided they wanted to do a bit of traveling - at the same time she found out she was pregnant with our first grandchild, so they traveled back home!! They are now living with us at least until the baby is a few months old! I know it won't be for that long so I'm really excited to have the opportunity to be there for them for a few months when I had always thought we would be thousands of miles away when she had her family. Its also really fantastic to have both of them in the same town at the same time again!
Just one more thing to add to my novel here. I understand that Skype isn't the same but honestly, its so much better now than when I moved to Canada as a child with my parents. I remember how isolated we felt, waiting to get mail from my nan and great aunts and hoping for a letter or a package. We could talk on the phone but only maybe once a year as it was so expensive.

 

[Cherylndesigns]

Funny you should mention this because I've always told my kids that when they get married they should move out. I've even joked that we would downsize so they couldn't move back in with us. But realistically, sometimes they need help and need to move back in. The only stipulation I have is that I want to be the grandma and not the mom to the grandkids. There's a reason we have kids when we're young and grandkids when we're older. My health couldn't handle being the mom to young children.

Our dd does an excellent job of not putting me in the position of being the mom. We pitch in and help out, but she doesn't like to even ask to pick him up after school, etc. We're happy to help out if she us running late, etc., but she's very aware of the fact that he's her child and her responsibility. So yes, I still get to be the grandma.

 

[keepscrappin]

Me too! But the abrupt switch is what is hard to take. Usually our relationship has evolved slowly over time... but this is like a switch has been flipped... from seeing him daily and knowing his friends as they traipse in and out of our house to not seeing him for months, little communication (he's not a sharer the way Clara is) and not knowing his friends.

Yes, what is it about boys and not sharing. My girls tell me way more than my son does. He shared more before he became a teen. Now he just keeps it all to himself and I have to pry everything outta him. It's like 20 questions all the time.

 

[keepscrappin]

Here's another from me. Our girls both went away to university 2,000 miles away. They were always close growing up, so it wasn't too much of a surprise when our younger daughter decided she wanted to go to the same university. The first couple of years we flew down to get them settled, first in residence, then in a house that they shared with a couple of other girls. I was a basket case leaving them that far away except for the saving grace of DH's sister only living an hour or so away from them. I knew that if they ran into any problems their aunt and uncle would be there in a flash. Regardless, I did end up sinking into depression and taking medication for a couple of years. After they finished university, our oldest came home for a year, then decided she wanted to study to become an Osteopath and ended up in New Zealand for seven years! I was worried sick that she wouldn't come back but luckily for us she met a local guy a few months before going and he moved down there to be with her, so they are now married and back in here in town again - pheww!!! Our younger daughter landed a job down east so she stayed there, met a guy, got married and moved to Georgia! They were there for two years then decided they wanted to do a bit of traveling - at the same time she found out she was pregnant with our first grandchild, so they traveled back home!! They are now living with us at least until the baby is a few months old! I know it won't be for that long so I'm really excited to have the opportunity to be there for them for a few months when I had always thought we would be thousands of miles away when she had her family. Its also really fantastic to have both of them in the same town at the same time again!
Just one more thing to add to my novel here. I understand that Skype isn't the same but honestly, its so much better now than when I moved to Canada as a child with my parents. I remember how isolated we felt, waiting to get mail from my nan and great aunts and hoping for a letter or a package. We could talk on the phone but only maybe once a year as it was so expensive.

WOW! Your family has been all over the world. And yes I agree that skype is much better than what it used to be. I was so grateful for email and skype when my son was on his mission. He could email each week and we could skype on Christmas and Mother's Day. It was so good to see and hear him on skype. I did wish I could reach out and give him a hug but atleast with skype we could see him and even stand by the tv and take a photo with him in it... lol