What would you do? My teen son's friend question.

[tkradtke]

So, I'm venturing out of my Project Life board safe zone to ask a question that's bugging me at the moment and it's a question I can't ask too publicly.

What would you do? It's spring break, and my son (8th grade) has had a couple of friends staying with him since Monday. The one friend "B", was given money by his parents "just in case". He immediately went and spent this money on gaming gift cards. Yesterday he called his mom and said he needed more money because they had gone out for pizza and he would need fare money to take the train home the next day (we live in the city of Chicago so this is normal for them to move about the city alone). His mom dropped off more money and within minutes of his mom leaving, he told me that he needed to take a walk. I asked my son if everything was okay and he told me that B was just going out to buy more gaming gift cards. The boy has not spent one dime of his own money on food, either I've cooked/provided food or when they have gone out, my son or the other friend has paid. I don't mind paying for things at all when my kids have friends over, that's not an issue, what I'm not sure what to do with is knowing that he's telling his parents he's paying for stuff when he's really spending the money on gift cards. I know his mom pretty well, but we don't talk often. Is this something you would get involved in or stay out of it?

Thanks!

 

[AnneofAlamo]

In a NY minute, I would sit him down and call his mom and speaker phone his behavior.

 

[Tronesia]

I agree with Anne. I probably would have spoken to his mom when she dropped by with more money.

I had a friend in high school who would lie to her mom ...a lot. So, it got to a point where if the 4 of us friends were going somewhere together, we would not invite her unless we heard her mom say it was okay. I even remember her mom picking her up at an event when she found out her daughter had lied to her.

 

[jenevang]

Oh, I would totally tattle... because as a mom, I.would.want.to.know. I would just politely tell her of his behavior and that although you do not mind that he is not spending his $$ on food, etc, b/c he is your guest, yada yada, you just don't want him to take advantage of his parents.

Now, if they know how he's spending it and are OK with it, fine. And I would not be judgmental about it, of course. But I suspect they do not know and they may want the behavior curtailed before it escalates. Just my opinion.

And I agree with Anne. I'd let the boy know that you are telling his mom but not make a big deal about it with the other boys. He is just being a kid and may or may not realize it is wrong. He needs to learn that it is (or that he can't get away with such behavior).

If he were 18, different story. At 13, yeppers, I'd tell.

 

[tkradtke]

Thanks for the input Anne! I figured that was the right thing to do... I just dread confrontation! I was trying to just ignore it. The first gift card I didn't think too much about since I wasn't sure where he gotten the money and what it was supposed to be for... but after him asking for more yesterday and immediately buying another card, I started to get suspicious and had a private chat with my son about it. It seems to be a long term issue, last year this boy would come home from school with my son for a couple hours a couple days a week before they went to their music lessons together. They wanted to grab dinner on their way home from school, so I gave my son money and so would B's mom. B would spend all of his money on candy, soda, etc for himself at the convenience store and my son would end up paying for dinner for both of them out of his own money. Sigh. My son never mentioned the money B had spent, and I had eventually decided that it was cheaper and easier just to cook for them since it seemed to me that B always "forgot" his own money. Now the whole picture is coming together.

 

[melrio]

Yeaaaa.....I'm think his mama needs to know what's going on. Like the others, I would explain that the behavior is a bit suspicious. I had 3 teenage boys....a few years ago.....and what I didn't know didn't hurt me then and we laugh about it now but if I had learned about some of the crap they pulled back then......well, they would STILL be grounded to this day! Good Luck!

 

[tkradtke]

Thanks Tronesia... I totally would have mentioned it when I talked to the mom when she dropped off the money yesterday if I would have known that he was going to go buy another gift card. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but I was really hoping he had planned on using it for what he told her he was going to.

Thanks for your input too Jen... I have to get my daughter from school, but as soon as I'm back I'll let the mom know. You're right, she might know about it and is okay with it... but I have that same suspicion that she doesn't know.

 

[tkradtke]

Okay... chat #2 with my son.... apparently the mom specifically asks if B has bought any more steam gift cards... so there is a known issue.

 

[Jen]

Definitely mom needs to know. I would want to know what my kid is spending his money on, especially if it's different than what I think is happening.

 

[tkradtke]

Thanks for all of the input! I just talked to his mom. She started out being mad at her son because the money was "just in case" money for while he was here and he was NOT supposed to buy steam gift cards with it. But by the end she had justified that it was his "vacation" (spring break), she wasn't getting him anything for Easter AND he had gotten some exercise walking to get the gift cards, so it was all okay. I feel better having it out there though.

 

[Karen]

I agree with everyone else, I would totally let the Mom know, because I would want to know. It's weird that she justified it kinda. I wouldn't like my kid to ask for money for food, knowing he was going to buy something else with it. Even at 13, he knows that shady and dishonest with his Mom. Especially if he's making your son buy his own dinner because he blew his money on junk! That's really sweet that your son didn't leave him high and dry. My oldest would tell his friend... tough! (he's a tightwad). My youngest would probably buy his friend dinner and dessert and go without himself.

 

[tkradtke]

It got worse before it got better today. Like I mentioned before, we live in the city and using public transit is a way of life for these kids. The friend was supposed to take the el from the station near our house to meet his mom and sister at their church (just a couple stops away, but about 8 blocks or so if you would walk). When I talked to the mom about the gift cards she assured me that B had fare money, so when he got ready to leave I asked him point blank if he had fare money. He promised me that he did and started out the door. I wasn't feeling good about this, especially since B doesn't have a phone and if he truly didn't have fare money, he wouldn't be able to call his mom or anyone to bail him out and I would have just sent a 14 year old out to wander the city alone. So, I sent my son out to talk to him. He found him still standing on our front porch. He didn't have any money at all. My son came back in and I gave him money and told him that I was calling B's mom to let her know that he was going to be late and why. She was pretty upset about it at that point and to be honest, so was I. We're good and were both totally on the same page, so there's no drama. But it freaked me out a little because he lied to me about having money and I almost sent him on his way, with no money and no means of communication. Hopefully this was a wake-up call and things will change. On the flip side, my son's other friend was gathering receipts for his mom when he left our house. Apparently his mom gives him a certain amount of money when he goes out and when he comes back he has to turn in the change and the receipts and they've got to add up!

 

[sm_amber]

Apparently his mom gives him a certain amount of money when he goes out and when he comes back he has to turn in the change and the receipts and they've got to add up!

Wow - smart mama! We haven't entered this stage yet, as my oldest is only 6 and the only place he's been without us is grandma's, but from my complete no-experience-with-teenagers pov, I agree with all the other ladies.. (I don't like confrontation, either, though, so I totally get where you're coming from..)