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The Mama Bear in Me is Coming out.. ROAR

dotcomkari

dotcomkari

The Deaf Superstar
Joined
May 24, 2012
Messages
6,126
The mama bear in me is coming out big time.

My youngest daughter, Asia, has been harassed big time by some school bullies the last few months. She has always been an extremely unique and ... well different child. She has very few friends.. and is kinda awkward. (she is on the specturm.. and has a higher form of Autism.. lots of sensory needs..) She doesn't like combing her long girly hair.. as she says it hurts.. and is kinda younger acting for her age, but so very much wants to fit in.

The past few months some bullies have been calling her fat.. nick naming her Miss Piggy. Asia has always been more .. shorter and rounder than my other two children, but by no means is she fat.

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She is a very healthy weight for a almost 13 year old girl. ..

Well. .. the bullies are really getting to Asia and the past few weeks she has barely eatten.. saying she is not hungry. She has dropped a bunch of weight.. and is skin and bones.. and even her doctor is worried about her.

Today though was the last draw. Today she came home in literal tears early from school. (I picked her up as she has a cold.. and wasn't feeling well..).. but.. I later found out that she was called a FAT FREAK of nature.. a piece of lard.. and shoved into a locker. and a bunch of girls were making piggy noises at her (this isn't the first time).

They actually told her today she would be better off DEAD and she should do the world a favor and kill herself.

YEAH.. I lost it. I went in and reported it all to the principal who WONT budge a finger because there is no "proof".. of such and the school has anti bullying rules.

WTF.. hello.. my kid is scared to go to school.. and is now refusing to eat! I have a note from her doctor.

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I am at loss of what to do.
I know kids will be kids and girls at this age are MEAN.. but.. this is like something out of the mean girls movie or something.

I love my Asia to death.. and I was once her.. I know what it is like being an outsider.

Any advice to help this mama bear out with her depressed and lonely cub?
 
She looks so friendly and fun in those photos!

I'm so sorry!

I have pretty much zero experience with school as a parent because I homeschooled my kids from the beginning. Homeschool groups tend to be so much more inclusive and accommodating than school if that's something you can consider. If not, keep bugging the principal and teachers. I'm sure it's hard though!

Maybe there's an organization/club/activity not connected with school that she'd enjoy that would be a supportive loving environment to counteract school.

And keep talking with Asia encouragingly as I'm sure you are. Our family of origin has the strongest influence on us.
 
Oh man! That's awful. Like Michelle, we homeschool and I haven't had to deal with this.

And like Michelle said - our family can have the strongest influence on us - I hope she'll see how much she is valued, loved and cared for by you and push all of those evil things they are saying out of her mind and see how untrue they are.
 
Ok - first off - it sounds like something has to be done. I would go back to the principal and tell them that you will go to the school board ( or whatever form of government oversees your schools) if nothing is done. I would also talk to each of the teachers and see if they have noticed anything. See if she could have a schedule change or even a school change to be put in with different kids. Can you get her in with a child psychologist or therapist who could give her coping tools? Talk to the school counselor about scheduling some assemblies on bullying and how to deal with bullies. It sounds like the whole school needs more awareness on what bullying is. You might even consider talking to a lawyer to find out what your legal options are.

Is she involved in any groups outside of school such as Girl Scouts, 4H, or a church youth group? If not, see what options are out there for her. A positive group experience could help her overlook the bullies taunting. If she is, talk to those group leaders about what she is dealing with and ask for advice.
I am praying for Asia and that she gets some relief.
 
Asia is involved in a few after school activities.. and we push her to get out and try to make friends and meet new people. (although it is harder with stupid covid still around)..

She sees a therapist already and we have mentioned the school bulling so they are working on self essteam issues in sessions.. (sigh..)

and I am going to keep at it with the school.. and if not I plan to go higher up to the school board and such. I just wish they would take these things more seriously! I am sure Asia isn't the only girl going through this type of bullying!
 
This makes me angry. So angry. Both my kids - one Aspie and another with severe ADD - were bullied and it made a profound impression on them that they’re still dealing with today as young adults. Unfortunately, the parents of these kids can be even worse - just remember in many instances the kids are only parroting what they see at home. When I confronted the kids who I caught physically beating on my son - at church, no less - they started lying through their teeth and said my son started it, then later tried to turn ALL the kids at church against him. What was worse was the parents came down on US because WE hadn’t told THEM about their disabilities, saying the whole thing was all our fault. Yes, these were supposed God-fearing Christian people. Well, it was none of their freaking business to know about my kid’s medical conditions and their kids should know better than to bully others who aren’t exactly like them.

Here’s what you do. First, keep a paper trail. Document EVERYTHING. Continue the paper trail started by your pediatrician by making a police report. PLEASE get it on file! Then contact the Superintendent’s office. Jump straight to the top. Tell them what happened and that you’ve filed a police report. Demand to see surveillance tapes. If something isn’t done/they deny wrongdoing, etc, say that you will file suit against the school and the district if they don’t step in and correct the situation. Name the super and the principal in any papers. Now, if they say bring it on, there are advocacy groups out there that will help.

Second, get your daughter transferred to another school, and make the school take care of it. I know it’s harsh for her to make the move instead of the bullies, but you’ve got to think about her. It’s not going to get any better as long as those girls are in her daily life.

The one thing I’ve learned from 20+ years of dealing with schools is they will do ANYTHING, even lie, to get out of doing what they don’t want to do, especially if it costs $$. I was even told by someone at the District level that they are an entity unto themselves and no one can touch them. They will nod and say yes, oh how terrible, then turn their backs on you as fast as they can. You gotta stand your ground. Be the big, mean and nasty Mama Bear that won’t go away until justice is done. FIGHT for what’s right.

I’m so, so sorry y’all are going through this. My heart is breaking for you. Please know that I’m sending prayers your way.

(And for you who work in education, I know it isn’t like this everywhere, but I’m pulling from my experience and that of my friends.)
 
Oh my heart is breaking for her. She is so beautiful and her smile lights up her eyes.

I agree with what others have advised. Don't stop with your complaints. If the principal refuses to act, take the next step up and then keep going. Document everything . . . the names of the perpetrators and exactly what they said.

Does your daughter have a phone? Can she start recording them when they begin bullying her?
 
@gonewiththewind yes asia has a phone but we do not allow her to take it to school. As it becomes a distraction for her... and they are not allowed at her school.

I'm taking everyone's advice and going to keep a log of every detail asia can give me. Also contacting school board.
 
One more thing to add... make all of your communication with the school in writing. If it’s in writing it’s part of the school record. If you call or talk in person it’s not documented and they don’t have to act, so follow up with a written memo of what was said. This is something that I have learned from experience. Hugs, sweetie!
 
Yes, both of my kids dealt with bullying in different ways. I was going to type a lot but I read through the replies already and what I was going to say is pretty much exact to what Jan was saying. The BEST thing I did was pull my kids from the school!!! Life changing!!

Sending you and your daughter tons of virtual love & hugs because I know that heartbreaking feeling. I shed so many tears and felt so helpless all the time. Nothing worse than when your child is hurting (emotionally or physically). :(
 
I cannot comment really, as I do not have children, but Asia is in my prayers as well as you are, and I pray that things get resolved pronto. Definitely bring it up to the Superintendent of the school district. I would think regardless of proof, in todays day and age, they have to investigate all issues brought to their attention. And definitely have everything in writing. Prayers.
 
All that Jan said is spot on. Put everything in writing. Please reach out to the counselors at school. My bestie is one, and she is amazing (if you have direct questions, I could ask her directly too). That person can help guide both you and Asia, be a wealth of information/online/in person/crisis/etc., and may also be able to point Asia in the direction of someone else in her school/class who might also need a friend or who is going through a tough time.

ETA: Hugs... being a parent is so hard. I'm sorry this is happening! Here if you need more support.
 
oh bless you.
And as the school has "anti-bulling rules" they should definitely be enforcing them, and taking your issue seriously.

I don't know what the laws are in the USA, but here in the UK if bullies are over 12 years old criminal charges can be brought against them with the Police if the school doesn't/can't deal with it.
 
Oh Kari this breaks my momma heart. I’m praying for you and Asia as you figure this out together.
 
This breaks my heart for both you and Asia. She is a beautiful young lady and should never have to hear any of those awful insults. I sure hope the great advice you've received above will help. Sending you big encouraging hugs and keep loving on your sweet girl.
 
@dotcomkari Asia is absolutely lovely!! 13 is an awkward age, both physically and emotionally! Some of this will pass.
As a parent, I agree wholeheartedly with Jan's recommendations. Our ADD son was bullied- but by the TEACHER! That was not easy to document, but we got it done. As an educator, I wonder, where is the teacher or other staff when this is happening? Is it at lunch or recess? They could be asked to keep ears and eyes on it. This is distressing for you and Asia, I know. DO encourage all of Asia's interests- to help build her self confidence. Maybe groups outside of school? Community or church activity as well as any creative or academic interests? Ultimately she is learning that her identity can't be physical or superficial (obviously these bullies haven't learned that) but rooted much more in her Divinely given
talent and worth.
Is there a support group for you as a parent either online or locally?
Prayers for resolution and a healthy outcome are being made.
 
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Oh, Kari, I'm so sorry that both of you are having to deal with this. (((hugs)))

My son had to deal with someone spreading horrible rumors about him in school, and was able to get the school's equivalent of a restraining order. He filed a written complaint, and the other boy had to sign something agreeing to stop and stay a certain distance away from my son. I don't know if your school has anything like that, but it might be worth a try. I think everything being documented in writing can really help make sure the issue is taken seriously.
 
Jan is correct. Document every thing in writing. You might talk to a lawyer if you know one who could approach the school and get them to take it seriously under threat of a lawsuit.
Does she have a favorite teacher? You might get her or him to watch out for her or create a safe space for her.
Does the school have a security officer? Could they walk her from class to class at least at the worst times.
I don't know what is available in your community but perhaps your daughter could get involved in community or school theater. This is a good way to make friends and learn to act out of herself.
Hugs and prayers for both of you. This is a horrible situation and I pray that you find some solutions.
 
Your daughter is beautiful.

This is heartbreaking and infuriating to read. I agree with the advice above: document everything; file a report; go to the school board/superintendent.
 
I'm so sorry this is happening to you and Asia. I don't have specific advice, but keep taking it as seriously as you are and don't let the school push it under the rug!
 
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