Surrogacy...

[klee73010]

Okay, firstly, I am aware that this topic, generally speaking, can sometimes be controversial. That's not where I'm going with this. I also know that sometimes discussing it can be hurtful or cause pain. That's not at all my intention. I am interested in discussion, but am trying to be mindful of anyone who may be suffering.

A Co worker of mine is going through the surrogacy process, and she and I were discussing it the other day. The conversation led to a revelation for me... she was explaining that she wouldn't be okay with donating her eggs or finding out that/allowing her husband donating sperm. To me, I never would have thought that the processes could be separated "morally" I guess. How can you be okay with surrogacy, but not donation? She explained the DNA aspect of it... not feeling comfortable offering her DNA to someone else.

So I was bringing this up to my husband, and discussing the conversation I'd had, and asking his opinion on the matter. To my surprise, he said he wouldn't really be okay with that either... whereas I was completely for it. He thinks I feel the way I do because of my fertility issues in the past. To me, if my eggs were viable options for someone else's dream of having a family, I'd want to offer that possibility. But for someone who has never had any problems with pregnancy or fertility, the "barrier" or wall of different DNA could be more of a concern.

Further to this, I'd always thought that I'd love to be a surrogate, but after my husband's point in our discussion, I doubt he'd be okay with that. As far as I know, surrogacy is not "legal" in Arizona. My Co worker is in California, where it's legal, AND they actually go through a very rigorous process to match donors/surrogates, provide legal documentation, monetary policies, etc. It's fascinating to me.

 

[Karen]

I guess I never really thought about it and I certainly wasn't aware that there are places where surrogacy isn't even legal. I think that I would be okay with donating eggs or my hubby donating sperm, but I think it would have to be to someone that I would probably never run into again... like they would have to not know who we were and they'd have to live a long ways away, just so I wouldn't weirdly run into the kids and see my own kids in them or something.

 

[cookingmylife]

I've never put much thought into this as I've never needed it and my child bearing years are long gone. However, I do have a friend who received donated eggs for her hubby's sperm when she was/became pregnant with their only child.

With just a bit of thought now I don't see much difference in being the donor or the recipient of either egg or sperm. I'm fine with the process. And re different DNA? well, I have an adopted daughter so she had totally different DNA than her brothers and yet she's still my daughter.

The only thing that has seemed a bit ...selfish? ...is when a surrogate is used to carry a couple's fertilized egg though to delivery, for convenience. For health reasons? I have no problem with that. But otherwise? ummmm, just doesn't sit right with me. It makes me wonder if raising that child will also be inconvenient...

 

[IntenseMagic]

With just a bit of thought now I don't see much difference in being the donor or the recipient of either egg or sperm. I'm fine with the process. And re different DNA? well, I have an adopted daughter so she had totally different DNA than her brothers and yet she's still my daughter.

This is pretty much what I was thinking. My sister and I are both adopted, so we share DNA with someone out there somewhere, but that doesn't make them family. If that makes any sense lol.

To me, if my eggs were viable options for someone else's dream of having a family, I'd want to offer that possibility

I love this! And I guess I honestly never thought much about it in my life. But I can't see where I'd have a problem with it either way. Maybe that comes from the fact that I'm adopted and I don't see DNA as being what makes family.

 

[klee73010]

...I certainly wasn't aware that there are places where surrogacy isn't even legal. I think that I would be okay with donating eggs or my hubby donating sperm, but I think it would have to be to someone that I would probably never run into again... like they would have to not know who we were and they'd have to live a long ways away, just so I wouldn't weirdly run into the kids and see my own kids in them or something.

I haven't looked in to it too deeply, but I think maybe what's not legal is the surrogacy for monetary profit... like I'm pretty sure if my sister and I were to draw up a contract or something, and I were to go through the medical procedure of having her fertilized eggs implanted, there would be doctors to do it. But in California, there are far greater processes in place to ensure there are good matches. According to CA state regulations or whatever, my sister and I may not be a good match... my co worker is being a surrogate because she wanted the money for something in her life... AS WELL AS, being a capable and willing option for the family she is matched with.
I think I'd agree with you, in that if I were just donating my eggs or hubby's sperm, I'd want it to be somewhere else. However, like my coworker, if I were being a surrogate, I think I would want some insight to their lives... Not invited to family barbeques or something, but, "send me a Christmas card with a yearly recap!" perhaps. My coworker has already formed a relationship with the family she is matched to, and it's part of their contract that information will be shared in this manner, I believe.

I've never put much thought into this as I've never needed it and my child bearing years are long gone. However, I do have a friend who received donated eggs for her hubby's sperm when she was/became pregnant with their only child.

With just a bit of thought now I don't see much difference in being the donor or the recipient of either egg or sperm. I'm fine with the process. And re different DNA? well, I have an adopted daughter so she had totally different DNA than her brothers and yet she's still my daughter.

The only thing that has seemed a bit ...selfish? ...is when a surrogate is used to carry a couple's fertilized egg though to delivery, for convenience. For health reasons? I have no problem with that. But otherwise? ummmm, just doesn't sit right with me. It makes me wonder if raising that child will also be inconvenient...

I agree!!! However... it is not for me to really judge. If you think being pregnant would seriously jeopardize your future relationship with your child, and you choose to pay someone else to do that part, that's your right... I can only hope that you own that insecurity and teach your children to overcome it with time. BUT... something like that is covered in the matching process when going through an agency... at least, as my co-worker explained it. So, if the surrogate-to-be had an issue with that, they would have the choice to bypass that possible match. There are soooo many questions/match opportunities to fail. It takes a lot of work to find potential matches, especially when you get in to how people feel, morally, with certain situations... One of her possible matches might have had a history of xyz, or has been with the agency, trying to find a match for x number of years, but my co-worker had the final say of who she was willing to move forward with, and all these emotional/moral decisions were all part of that process.

My sister and I are both adopted, so we share DNA with someone out there somewhere, but that doesn't make them family.

too true, in my opinion! my bio-dad is anything but my dad. My step-dad is 100% my dad... he adopted us when I was 15, but had been my dad since I was around 2-3... and his daughter from his first marriage (my step-sister) is far more my sister than my biological half siblings I never talk to or hear about. The only thing I MUST take from that side of the family is medical history... I know they have heart conditions I can never remember the name of, and struggle with that every time I have to fill out a medical history form for myself or my kids.
I think I'm the type of person who would want to search for my DNA-family, the same way I want to know about my own bio-family... but they would always just be more like distant relatives, I'd think. I struggle with the idea of "what if they didn't want to be found?" because I would hope, as an adult, I could be open to many different types of relationships, but would shutter at "none-at-all". I have a friend that did give up a baby for adoption, and I know it is her 100% hope that someday, her daughter will want to know her. She makes her whereabouts known to the family that adopted her daughter, and gets the yearly update on her, though it is always... "mother to mother" type of communication. Further... I always wanted to be open to adoption because I was "adopted" in a half sort of way. I know several ladies here have adopted kids!

 

[tkradtke]

Random thing to add to this discussion.... one of my son's friends is a sperm donor baby. His mom was (still is) single and wanted a baby, so she went the sperm donor route. This particular donor's sperm was used in several pregnancies around the same time. I'm not sure how this information was gathered, but the families all now know each other and have raised these kids as long distance siblings (since most of them are only children). They get together for "family reunions" of sorts. Almost all of them were there for my son's friend's Bar Mitzvah a few years ago. It's actually really cool. I know this isn't always how things work out, but this situation is really pretty neat.

 

[klee73010]

Random thing to add to this discussion.... one of my son's friends is a sperm donor baby. His mom was (still is) single and wanted a baby, so she went the sperm donor route. This particular donor's sperm was used in several pregnancies around the same time. I'm not sure how this information was gathered, but the families all now know each other and have raised these kids as long distance siblings (since most of them are only children). They get together for "family reunions" of sorts. Almost all of them were there for my son's friend's Bar Mitzvah a few years ago. It's actually really cool. I know this isn't always how things work out, but this situation is really pretty neat.

There was an episode of a crime show I watched... now I can't remember which one, or what episode. But basically, the geneticist used his own sperm in an experiment, and all the brothers found each other through some weird kind of mind control (which means the show was probably "Fringe" )... which is definitely the weirder version of your story. I would think it's kind of cool, too.

 

[jk703]

Hmmm... I'm not sure how I feel. I would have to think more along the donation part of things from me or DH, but I am for surrogacy. I would have to think long and hard, and I don't know if I'd be comfortable with my eggs or DH's sperm out there making children, that we wouldn't know or be involved in those kids lives. I think I'm odd and I would donate eggs to a close family member, like DH's sister, if she needed. I'm really unsure. I would like to think after thinking it all through, giving someone else the chance to be a mother or father when they can't would lead me to donate.

With that said, I was in a position to be a surrogate carrier for a friend in another state about 6 years ago. She and I talked about it, and were discussing logistics, details and trying to figure out some of the hurdles we might face - timing, delivery, insurance, etc. The major difference was that it was her eggs and her hubbies sperm. She was also interviewing for a surrogate closer to her, and she ended up using another surrogate with the ease of proximity. I was happy that DH and I were both for it, and we actually discussed the whole situation. We learned a few things about each other then.



O goodness... I do love Tracie's story, and know that is unusual, but it's so cool!

 

[michelepixels]

I've always loved to read about families that grew thanks to medical advances. I wouldn't mind donating, or my husband donating, regardless of whether we knew the family or not, and have actually pondered the idea of being a surrogate. Being pregnant and giving birth was one of the best parts of my life! That's wonderful how that family gets together Tracie! @tkradtke

 

[gonewiththewind]

My pregnancies were both high risk, so I never really considered being a surrogate for someone else. But I know that when I just barely think about it, I know I couldn't do it. It was such an incredible bonding time for me during the pregnancy, something so precious, that I would lose a big part of myself to be able to give the baby to the parents in the end. And really, it's a non-option at this point in my life anyway, with my age and certain procedures I've had to keep me from getting pregnant.

I think it's wonderful that there are women out there who can do this for others who are struggling. Just because I personally can't do it doesn't mean that I'm opposed to others doing it.

 

[scrapsandsass]

I think I'm the type of person who would want to search for my DNA-family, the same way I want to know about my own bio-family... but they would always just be more like distant relatives, I'd think. I struggle with the idea of "what if they didn't want to be found?" because I would hope, as an adult, I could be open to many different types of relationships, but would shutter at "none-at-all". I have a friend that did give up a baby for adoption, and I know it is her 100% hope that someday, her daughter will want to know her. She makes her whereabouts known to the family that adopted her daughter, and gets the yearly update on her, though it is always... "mother to mother" type of communication. Further... I always wanted to be open to adoption because I was "adopted" in a half sort of way. I know several ladies here have adopted kids!

I'm half "adopted" as well. My bio dad never wanted anything to do with me so when my mom met/married my brother's dad, I was three and he adopted me. My mom was fully adopted, and she always wanted to track down her biological family. She was able to track some of them down, and it wasn't a necessarily pleasant experience, so I think she was disappointed. I think she really wanted me to track my bio-father down at some point, but I never had that desire. I think I always felt like it was just another obligation to keep up with people who didn't want anything to do with me in the first place. But in my senior year of high school, my mom sent my photo to my bio-dad's parents' address, but never heard anything back from them. Now, I think it would be interesting for the health-related questions. Just because I have at least two fairly-rare medical conditions, and it would be interesting to know if anyone on his side of the family had them.

I love this! And I guess I honestly never thought much about it in my life. But I can't see where I'd have a problem with it either way. Maybe that comes from the fact that I'm adopted and I don't see DNA as being what makes family.

Definitely!!!

There was an episode of a crime show I watched... now I can't remember which one, or what episode. But basically, the geneticist used his own sperm in an experiment, and all the brothers found each other through some weird kind of mind control (which means the show was probably "Fringe" )... which is definitely the weirder version of your story. I would think it's kind of cool, too.

There was also an episode similar to that on Law & Order: Criminal Intent where the kids all tracked each other down and would meet up regularly.

 

[Tiff]

I think it might be related to a "known" vs an "unknown" kind of thing, with the "unknown" maybe being more scary.

I could image if you were a surrogate and then handed the baby over - you kinda know who is taking the baby, and have an expectation that everything will be OK for that baby. It might be easier to release your responsibility. But if you are donating your eggs or sperm, and you have no idea who the parent will be, no expectations for how that baby's life will turn out ... there might be some kind of lingering sense of responsibility for the child, and you are unwilling to just throw this kid to the wind, so to speak.

 

[bestcee]

It's an interesting and very complicated issue. My sister in law has done it twice, both for strangers on the East Coast. She says it didn't bother her because it wasn't her kid. She also has zero contact with the families. The second one had a lot more legal paperwork because the state of Utah had to approve something? I don't know what it was.

I do know I've read a lot of stories about legal entanglements especially in countries outside the US. There was a fairly popular case involving a gay couple who had donated sperm, paid for everything, and the surrogate deciding that she wanted custody, child support, and didn't want to give up the baby. It was not an isolated case either. It'll be interesting to see what legal developments come in the next few years.

 

[Juliestcyr]

I work with a woman who calls herself her son's "3rd parent." It took a long time to unravel exactly what that meant. Basically, her and her husband used a surrogate, who still has an active role in the kid's life. In fact, the surrogate's extended family is involved in this kid's life. The kid lives with her and her husband most of the time, but one weekend a month, he goes to his surrogate-mom, and one other weekend a month he goes with surrogate-mom to visit her parents who live on a farm outside of town. The little boy is also enrolled in Spanish classes, because surrogate-mom speaks Spanish. From what I know, it seems to have just all flowed easily for them. Which is amazing to me. Now, why she considers herself the 3rd parent, when she is in fact the primary parent, I don't know...

 

[Dalis]

Kristina, that was one of the options we considered and the only reason we removed it from our list was because we couldn't afford it. It is really expensive and a business all together.

 

[cookingmylife]

@Dalis I was shocked when a friend told me how much it cost for her infertility treatments etc. The 6 figure amount didn't even cover the later use of the donated egg procedures. A large inheritance 'paid' for her child.

 

[klee73010]

Oh yes. When we were in the midst of our fertility treatments, the 'self pay' option for in-vitro offered a discount, and was very high 5 figure numbers.
My Co worker is receiving a 5 figure number for surrogacy, though I'm not sure how much exactly.
Another friend I have, has actually done several fund raisers to pay for multiple IVF treatments.

 

[Dalis]

We were very lucky that our insurance covered a bit chunk of it we just had to jump any and all dumb rules they had. 10 years ago a surrogate would cost you between 70-150K.