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Stressed...

rchansen

rchansen

in the sweet tooth recovery program
Joined
Jan 1, 2014
Messages
1,503
So around 11:30 last night my oldest daughter called in tears from college. "Mom...I can't sleep....I....think....I ..(sniffles)..might...have failed..(more sniffles)..my class".

Keep in mind this is my daughter that is on school on a basketball scholarship. Keep in mind that she failed a class last semester!! Keep in mind she has NO money to take a class over the summer. And she borrowed money to take a class over winter break with the understanding we would help her once and if it happened again she had to figure it out on her own.

Seriously..this is happening again.

My daughter is one of those kids that things just always seem to work out for. She got great grades in HS with minimal effort. We have stressed that college is her job. She's still trying to skate by with minimal effort and then when she FAILS she's confused and thinks "Well I worked really hard these last couple weeks". Ugh.

So her scholarship is in jeopardy. She's already been through this once and he warned her. She has to take a class this summer and she has NO money to pay for it...and we are not bailing her out...so most likely that will go on her credit card. She is working two jobs (approximately 50-55 hours) so that's good because the bills are stacking up. She changed her major a couple weeks ago (ugh - end of her junior year!!) so at least the classes she'll be taking now might be better for her.

This has been a stressful year with this one. She is five hours away. She has had issues with school. Issues with basketball. Issues between her and her boyfriend. Issues with her coach. Issues with a "mean girl" on the team and other girls following her lead. It's been a tough year.

Besides the fact that I got about 3 hours of sleep last night I am just stressed!! Thanks for letting me vent.

Now...to enjoy whatever time I can with NSD!!
 
oh dear!! children make our hearts ache so! Watching them make decisions is so cringing to our hearts. I hear ya, hear ya.
My married for a year son and his adorable wife took their one vehicle 4 wheeling..yep, it broke. Sorry, no, you can't use our extra one, and thank goodness her parents are close friends, told them the same. They walk until it is fixed and it isn't even paid off!
thunk
thunk
that is Mom hitting her head against the cement!
lol
but my hubby keeps telling me pray and pray some more, cause stress NEVER helps it, only hurts me...so...
yep
Pray and smile a lot...I think sometimes my jaws ache at the smile on my face as my children tell me their dumb decisions...and I pray, I am a sounding board...if they want my advice, they will ask. Please ask, please!!!
 
Thanks Anne. That's what I did last night when I couldn't sleep. I just prayed and prayed some more!! She's a good girl, she just thinks life should be easy and everyone will fix it. She likes to tell us she's an adult ... Okay, be an adult. Figure it out!! I just want her to realize her full potential and then work for it.

Thankful your son and his wife are okay.

Kids...
 
Oh gosh... that is so stressful. Sorry you are dealing with this. I know it is hard when kids don't make the best decisions. We've been down that road (and are still on it with my hubby's kids). But hopefully it will be a good life lesson and that it won't happen again. And not that it makes you feel any better, but it could always be worse. :)

My daughter has done a lot of that in school (and so have I even as an adult) because things were too easy... it is a weird thing to deal with. I wanted to pull my hair out several times over my daughter and school, but at least now she's making better decisions and paying for her less-than-stellar ones. :)

Look on the bright side, be tough, and enjoy your weekend. We can't fix everything... the kiddos have to figure it out for themselves, and all of the stress we carry doesn't do anyone any good (I know it is *way* easier said than done :giggle). Big hugs to you, momma!!!
 
As a parent of grown girls, I get the frustration when they aren't smart with their choices. As a grownup who took a long time to get where I am, I am a little more softhearted. If it hadn't been for my grandmother I don't think I could have survived some of my bad times. I resent my dad for being a butt trying to teach me lessons when I could have just used a hug and a bit of help. Maybe if you can't in good conscience bail them out of their situations, at least help with food or a gift card just because? I don't believe in letting grown kids coast through life. College, however, is a learning experience for more than just the academic part of it. If kids can't finish b/c their parents didn't or couldn't help they can spend many years floundering until they finally get that degree. Just my two cents! Love and hugs and I'm not judging! Oh, and if you provide groceries they can spend that money on classes or cars instead. That's what my grandmother did for me.
 
I'm praying for you because it takes more strength to set boundaries and keep them than to give in and always solve your children's problems.

rchansen said:
I just prayed and prayed some more!! She's a good girl, she just thinks life should be easy and everyone will fix it.
Click to expand...
And that sounds like my brother. My parents enable that "life is easy" feeling by constantly bailing him out. You are doing the right thing by setting and, just as importantly, keeping ground rules. ITA with Kimberlee: this is a life lesson for her.
 
Ugh. Kids can suck! As the oldest of 10, I watch my parents go through this with their kids and I'm starting to go through that with my kid. Boundaries are so hard to do, but you have to trust that you know your kid. And you want what's best for them, but you have to let them fall. If they don't fall, they don't learn how to pick themselves.
My heart goes out to you!
 
Can I just tell you that you are absolutely doing the best thing in refusing to bail out your daughter? You let her know you would help her once, but she would need to figure it out herself if it happened again. It's happened again, she needs to fix it. Stay firm. My mom has continuously bailed my older sister out and she has done nothing with her life because she hasn't HAD to. I know that my mom's heart is in the right place by wanting to "help" my sister, but she's almost 40. We all have to grow up and be responsible and accountable some time, right? I wish her, and you, well!
 
Funny how we as parents of grown children NOW realize how much our parents must of felt when we had ups and downs as young adults.
I agree with you making her learn from her mistakes. You are being a parent who wants the best for your children. I totally understand we had a couple change their degrees so it took them longer which also means more money. They paid for their own schooling........... We paid for their cell phones and insurance. It was all we could do to help out. They knew it and never asked for more.
Prayers and hugs
 
I can honestly say how good it feels to be a part of this community!! Thank you all.

Like I said, she is a good kid. But we can't help any more than we have. We also pay her cell and insurance. We gave her a car to use (which she barely takes care of because she thinks she deserves a better car). We buy her groceries every time we visit and often leave money on her kitchen counter when we're leaving. But I cannot pay for another extra class for her. We did it once and told her we wouldn't again. It will kill me if she loses her scholarship and has to move home to finish school but we sat her down in December and made it all very clear to her. She will put the class on her credit card if she has to. She's coming home next weekend and we will be sitting down and helping her with a budget and making her stick to it. And if she doesn't she'll have to work that out as well.

I just hope THIS time she gets it.
 
I didn't care about college until I was paying for it. Now I won't go because I don't know what I want. I was told early on that my parents were not paying for it... I got a full ride scholarship and blew it in one semester for the same reasons... I was used to school being easy. From what you've said, I think you're doing the right thing.

I can't imagine what it must have been like for my parents watching me struggle through it. My kids are no where near college, because they're 3 and 4 yrs old. :giggle

Hugs!
 
We have two kids at uni at the moment - luckily they live at home so that cuts expenses right down. They both are working so our outlay other than for food is minimal. They only get hit for the Uni course fees once they are earning a halfway decent wage so that will be all on them eventually.

But our eldest still managed to get himself into credit card debt when he and his girlfriend decided a week long holiday to Sydney would be a good thing when he wasn't working. Took him a year to pay that sucker off. But lesson learnt and he only has it for emergencies now. It can be so hard putting your foot down - and I am a complete pushover most of the time...

Good luck and I hope it all works out.
 
My heart goes out to you. I watched my parents struggle through this with my brother growing up. How much accountability do they get, and when? My kiddos are young still but I have been teaching more than 20 years. Tough consequences are sometimes the best teacher. I think you're making a difficult but important decision to not bail her out this time. It's different if she'd been trying her best and it wasn't working out. As you so beautifully wrote, college is her job right now. Sounds like you're doing a dynamite job! Hang in there.
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I watched the Auckland Uni graduation last night...waiting for our @littlekiwi to cross the stage, and I kept looking at these young kids, and thinking, how proud their parents must be...and oh the trials and all they have endured over the past years...aw..such a different perspective on life now...lolo
 
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