So hurt.

[AJK]

UPDATE: I took a few hours to work through all these emotions. I didn't want to vent at the kids, especially during this glorious life event. Hubster did have a sit down with DS, explaining that they set us up with expectations- and we think it is finally sinking in. We can work on this issue after a week or two.
Thanks to TLP for being my sounding board. But NOW I want to move on and just be thankful that the littlest member of the family is HERE!


I really hoped this wouldn't happen. I did all I could to be communicative and available. Our DIL is to be induced this evening for the birth of our third grandchild. We live 5 minutes from our son and his family. We have been here a year and done all possible to help them when needed.I've kept my mouth shut about things that are rude, unkind, being taken advantage of in efforts to forward our relationships (the one time I spoke up in seven years I was accused of being selfish) Yet our relationship has not deepened. For the past two weeks, as delivery date approached, we have let them know we are available and that we will come to their house (if at night) or pick up the kids when it is time to go to the hospital. They said ok. I have even gotten up early to take hubster to work nearly every day so I could keep the car. And this morning we were told, "Oh, we don't need you guys, her mom is coming today; But you may need to clean the house for us this weekend". I think NOT! I've already been treated as a babysitter. I won't be their maid. This has been the pattern for 7 years. Told one thing and at the last minute it is changed and we are dumped and hurt. I get that her mom wants to be there. But why not tell us this in advance? We EVEN ASKED about that issue!!! The problem isn't her mother. It is that she doesn't think to ask us or consider that we are the other 50% of this family. lol.
They also have said that NO ONE is to come to the hospital unless called. So if my son's MIL is going to be there, taking care of our grandkids, and we can't go to the hospital, and we have been told not to come by when DIL's mother is there- we have been shut out of this time of the birth of our grandchild. I am heartbroken and ready to move away. Why does this generation do these kinds of things??? I was angry. Now I am speechless.

 

[AnneofAlamo]

oh dear Amanda,
our children seem to find ways to stomp upon our hearts.
My oldest son, for some reason, felt he didn't call us when our grandbaby was born..I found out thru another friend, who showed me the photo, days after she was born. I was crushed. I ran into my son at Walmart a month after her birth, waved and held back tears. He says, "you wanna see Beccah" I whispered, please. In the cold November weather, the parking lot, I held this joyful little girl...tears flowing and I prayed, "dear God, I give her to you, and ask you to please let me be in her life in your time and help me wait"
Fast forward a year and half, she now spends EVERY Thursday with me! All day. My son is still a bit out there in responsibility, but DIL is serving Jesus with me, and I see Beccah every church service too.
My other son, his girlfriend (just turned 17) is spiteful and mean little thing. She holds him in her power, and I just pray. They had a girl 2 months ago, air lifted and borne 3pounds 11 oz. 6 weeks in NICO. Nothing for weeks. The he sent photos and said, I'm sorry mom, Im' trying. (my heart aches) I will not be a baby sitter to any of my grands, I will be a grandmother of laughter and fun.
I got to cut the umbilical cord with my dear daughters second daughter. She has been a joy to my life, including me, even when I would cry after she left at the decisions of her life.
I say all this...
with a shoulder to cry on, but a backbone to stand strong against, and knowledge that our God knows our aches, collects our tears, and hears our prayers.

 

[Angela Toucan]

bless you.

 

[AJK]

oh dear Amanda,
our children seem to find ways to stomp upon our hearts.
My oldest son, for some reason, felt he didn't call us when our grandbaby was born..I found out thru another friend, who showed me the photo, days after she was born. I was crushed. I ran into my son at Walmart a month after her birth, waved and held back tears. He says, "you wanna see Beccah" I whispered, please. In the cold November weather, the parking lot, I held this joyful little girl...tears flowing and I prayed, "dear God, I give her to you, and ask you to please let me be in her life in your time and help me wait"
Fast forward a year and half, she now spends EVERY Thursday with me! All day. My son is still a bit out there in responsibility, but DIL is serving Jesus with me, and I see Beccah every church service too.
My other son, his girlfriend (just turned 17) is spiteful and mean little thing. She holds him in her power, and I just pray. They had a girl 2 months ago, air lifted and borne 3pounds 11 oz. 6 weeks in NICO. Nothing for weeks. The he sent photos and said, I'm sorry mom, Im' trying. (my heart aches) I will not be a baby sitter to any of my grands, I will be a grandmother of laughter and fun.
I got to cut the umbilical cord with my dear daughters second daughter. She has been a joy to my life, including me, even when I would cry after she left at the decisions of her life.
I say all this...
with a shoulder to cry on, but a backbone to stand strong against, and knowledge that our God knows our aches, collects our tears, and hears our prayers.

Thanks, @AnneofAlamo . I know they don't "mean to" be hurtful, but the lack of consideration of parents from this generation is, well, quite shocking to be honest. My niece has done the same thing with my sister. Niece's kids are nearly same age as our littles. My sis doesn't ever get to spend time with her daughter anymore- and they also live closeby. I realize that I want what I can't have and it's a hard pill to swallow. I thought when we moved here that I would at least see the kids (adult) once a week- even if for a short time. But their free time is usually spent with other people or (ugh) her family. I'm still speechless. Thing is, we are praying about moving away- to follow the call on our life. Told DS this last weekend, and now this? Yes, I will forgive, but no, I will no longer "put myself out there" only to be crushed. It is what it is.

 

[Cherylndesigns]

I'm so sorry, Amanda and Anne. I've been there myself and I truly can feel your pain and anger. My ex-SIL's family completely took over when my grandson was born. They were mean and deliberately shut me out of the whole birthing experience. Like you, Amanda, when I finally dared to speak up, they acted like they were completely offended and then I was even MORE ostracized. I just don't get why people have to be so cruel, especially at the most special time, the birth of a child. I still hurt just typing this. Hang tough - they'll need you some day. I would NOT clean their house no matter what!!

 

[AJK]

I'm so sorry, Amanda and Anne. I've been there myself and I truly can feel your pain and anger. My ex-SIL's family completely took over when my grandson was born. They were mean and deliberately shut me out of the whole birthing experience. Like you, Amanda, when I finally dared to speak up, they acted like they were completely offended and then I was even MORE ostracized. I just don't get why people have to be so cruel, especially at the most special time, the birth of a child. I still hurt just typing this. Hang tough - they'll need you some day. I would NOT clean their house no matter what!!

THANKS! LOL. I'm not that great at housekeeping anyway. This has been a confirmation that it is time for DH and I to get back on track.

 

[Pachimac]

I am so very sorry. I don't understand the inconsideration. My MIL was ready to HATE me because of what my husband's wife was like around the kids. She refused to let them come to the hospital, or even HOLD the babies. She nearly cried when I invited her to go with the girls to pick out the Bridesmaid's dresses. She kept asking "Are you sure??". It broke my heart.

As much as it hurts, there's not much else you can do but go on with your lives and keep the door open for when they take their heads out of their rears.

 

[BevG]

Hugs to @AJK, @AnneofAlamo, and @Cherylndesigns. Love you all and I will pray for you and your families. Remember, offense is a choice and you can chose to not be offended. It is hard, I know. I don't have children/grandchildren experiences, but I did have a sisters story to work through this winter. I have forgiven all 3 of them so that I can live and not feel the pain over and over. After all, I did not share my pain and they probably don't even remember the moment.

 

[AJK]

Hugs to @AJK, @AnneofAlamo, and @Cherylndesigns. Love you all and I will pray for you and your families. Remember, offense is a choice and you can chose to not be offended. It is hard, I know. I don't have children/grandchildren experiences, but I did have a sisters story to work through this winter. I have forgiven all 3 of them so that I can live and not feel the pain over and over. After all, I did not share my pain and they probably don't even remember the moment.

Yeah. Expressing it all here has really helped. I am not angry anymore. I see it for what it is: immaturity. And I also see that they do not want what I want- and may never. So yes, @Pachimac - letting go is the best and moving on.

Out of my hands.

 

[Dalis]

Amanda, I am so sorry. I have to say that you don't deserve that. I am glad you are not going to go clean her house. Do you have the DIL mom's number? She may actually need the help of taking the kids for a few hours. maybe.....

 

[Heidi Nicole]

My heart breaks reading these... I have teenage stepchildren, and I already see so much division with the families. I've already shed tears about what it'll be like when Avery shops for her wedding dress, or when either of them have babies... I've been in their lives as a mama for 12 years now, and I'm already sad about how the future looks with those things. I'm hopeful, and trying to stay positive (all of this is a long way off, I hope), but being a parent is hard. Being a step parent is hard. It's all just hard... <3 xx

 

[Ferdy]

I'm so sorry Amanda and Anne and Cheryl...I have a friend at work that is dealing with the same situation, and I feel the pain, as I am close to her, she's devastated...it's so sad, but life goes on...maybe in a near future things get better! {hugs}

 

[bcgal00]

I'm so sorry to hear of your mental anguish and frustration. I think you have a good attitude about it. I'm not as involved in my oldest daughter's life as she pulled away many yrs ago and became extremely attached to her MIL and FIL. I learned to let the hurt and anger go and accept things for what they are. We now have a much better relationship although we still don't see them often. Letting go of the feelings and just accepting things as they are makes it easier for you and who knows what the future will bring. Hugs. Family can cause such pain sometimes.

 

[QuiltyMom]

I'm so sorry.

 

[AJK]

I'm so sorry to hear of your mental anguish and frustration. I think you have a good attitude about it. I'm not as involved in my oldest daughter's life as she pulled away many yrs ago and became extremely attached to her MIL and FIL. I learned to let the hurt and anger go and accept things for what they are. We now have a much better relationship although we still don't see them often. Letting go of the feelings and just accepting things as they are makes it easier for you and who knows what the future will bring. Hugs. Family can cause such pain sometimes.

"I learned to let the hurt and anger go and accept things for what they are." Yes, that is the stance I have to take on this- immaturity brings with it blinders. They don't realize what they are doing. I actually have a decent relationship with DIL's mom. But recently learned that she's become jealous of us living close now. She had that for their first 5 years of marriage and isn't letting go. Parenting is tough- no matter what stage. So I won't dig in my feet- just accept what it is. I didn't feel that way for the first 30+minutes this morning- but I do now.
Thanks EVERYONE for listening and even suggesting things. Love has to prevail and cover flaws.

 

[SeattleSheri]

I truly believe the MIL/DIL relationship is the most complex familial relationships there is. I've heard both ends of this. There are online forums dedicated to MIL bashing (which I find a bit ridiculous, but it is what it is). I have 3 boys and know I will one day be a MIL (if I'm lucky) - which on some level I dread because I know how delicate the relationship is. I don't have any great advice for your specific situation, but I would be hurt too. Hopefully time will help you all work towards becoming allies. There is a lot to family dynamics we don't always understand or consider.

 

[IntenseMagic]

Oh, Amanda @AJK, my heart hurts for you! I missed out on a lot of my oldest granddaughters early early years because her mother is just flat out crazy, and so is her family. She and my son were still in high school when she was born and it was undoubtedly the most messed up situation that started with her mom and step-dad shipping her off while she was pregnant. And it just got crazier from there. Fortunately, things changed and they grew up, well, he did. She's still crazy, but DS found out life was better without her and is a fabulous dad. We have a great relationship now, and I'm still sad about the time I missed, but I've learned to just make the best of things now. There's stuff with DD, too...a few things that really hurt. I won't go in to it all, just want you to know that I do feel your pain and I hope and pray that things get better for you. I tell myself often that one day they will realize... This parenting gig is tough.

 

[gonewiththewind]

Oh, my heart hurts for you!

I know I tried to be as kind as I could to my MIL, but I did hurt her feelings one time. She kept dropping by unannounced to visit the baby, which would have been fine, but it was disruptive to me resting and/or activities I had to complete or she would disrupt the baby's sleep. I asked my hubby to talk to her about just calling to make sure it was a good time, and well, he's never been known for diplomacy, and he was pretty abrupt with her. For YEARS she would not come by AT ALL even though I told her time and again, please, you misunderstood, we DO want you to come by, we want you to visit and have a relationship with your granddaughter, just give a call ahead to make sure the baby's not sleeping or that we are ready for visitors.

**sigh** Relationships are hard.

Praying for you to find peace!

 

[bestcee]

My mom goes through this a lot with my SIL. She's always the babysitter. Family is hard!
I try to be considerate as I can. But I'm sure I've hurt my MIL feelings a few times.

I'm glad you are feeling better about the situation. I hope they include you in going to see them at the hospital! I'm so sorry you are in this position!

Not to justify at all! But is it possible that the hospital has put the kibosh on visiting? I know where DH works, they don't let many visitors to new baby and nursery between Sept-March, and sometimes as late as May because of flu and other contagious viruses going around. Maybe they didn't communicate that well?

 

[weaselwatchr]