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Power is everything when you are the Parent..b.hwhwhha

AnneofAlamo

AnneofAlamo

Slippers IN sunshine? Even better!
Joined
Aug 30, 2009
Messages
19,715
I have been a homeschool momma for most of my Big kids life. My now 17 year old has had his eyes on the military all his short life, more specifically, the Marines.
He was told he had to have a diploma, so I grudgingly sent him to public school. We have horrible schools, I mean horrible. He has made bad decision after bad, for 2 years. My hair is whiter, and I pray more. He lost his driver's license, (mom took it and turned back to state) But I kept helping so he could see his dream. That is what moms do.
Today. I called the recruiter...and he said, oh no, ma'am, he can go in as a homeschooler.
Power is everything. I don't want him to go in the military, but..................................
now, I don't have to send him to public school. Tomorrow night, he is having a come to adulthood conversation with Dad and Mom regarding life choices.
:heartslub
Have you ever had to draw the line deep in the sand for your kidlets?:dizzy
 
Good for you!

I don't have to draw the line so much for my daughter, but I have always been one to give her tough love and make sure she's in line and doing the right thing. I still have to have those conversations on occasion when she's not performing her mom duties like she should. She has depression and goes off and on meds and is sometimes highly unmotivated to do regular parent things. She's great about working full time and doing college full time (online). But it is easy for her to slack off and not do things for Kennedy that she should be doing because I'm there to catch the balance and take care of him.

But my step-daughter is an ongoing nightmare. The bad part is that she has enough people that bail her out of her bad decisions and she never really hits "rock bottom" even though she claims to every other month. I honestly think she has a mental disorder, but of course when I (and the counselor) suggested having her tested back when she was a teen and more manageable, my husband didn't want to do it. Now she's 25 -- an "adult" on her own and she wreaks havoc wherever she goes. She's allowed a boyfriend to abuse her child and lost custody of Conan (thank God), and that didn't even wake her up. She chose the guy over her child and has been with him ever since. She left town and is living somewhere so no one can monitor her or her lies. It makes it much easier for her manipulation. She's supposed to take anger management, drug & alcohol classes and parenting classes, but for over a year, she hasn't gotten it done, so she can't even *see* her child, nor does she call him regularly or even really seem to care unless it suits her and she can gain sympathy. And she blames everyone else of course. It is never her fault. She's a pathological liar and always gets people to feel sorry for her even though she only cares about herself and manipulates the world. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. My husband has literally given her over 20K in the past several years (unchecked) to rescue her from crisis after crisis until I finally put my foot down. After the boyfriend was arrested for beating Conan, Emily lied to Tim about needing money for something and bailed the guy out. I have never been so mad in my life. I finally told him if he chose to give her more money, I would not be around in the future to watch the mess unravel further. Abusing a child is the last straw. At three years old, we were lucky he was't hurt worse physically, but the emotional scars are still there. It is a pretty black and white situation. She defended the boyfriend, lying about everything and saying Conan did it to himself. It made me sick. She said the police, doctors, social workers and Conan were all lying to frame her boyfriend. AND the boyfriend went over and physically assaulted her mom and brother as well. And her mom thinks Emily was abusing Conan as well, but she still helps her out. I know it is hard to turn your child away, but she seriously doesn't deserve one ounce of help at this point. All of the enabling she's received over the years has let her become this monster, and I fear that we're going to be dealing with this the rest of our lives. He did recently send her a couple of hundred dollars because she claimed to be homeless and sleeping on park benches, but now I've seen on Facebook that she's living in a trailer somewhere (yeah, she's not smart enough to realize that we can see the lies), so not one more cent. He asks her what her plan is, but she never has one. She works but never has two cents to her name and begs, borrows & steals to get whatever she wants at the moment. It is insane. I just don't know what to say or do anymore. It is the constant stress in our lives that hangs out around us even if it isn't active at the moment. Ugh.

Off my soapbox now. :/
 
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Is he ready for the Marines? With all these rebellions and falling into whatever everyone else is doing, it is going to be SO MUCH worse in the Marines. The temptatations waiting for him there are huge. He's making poor choices now with small things. Maybe he needs this time to learn how to live in a world full of temptations and the wrong choices. When he leaves home, mom loses some of that parent pressure. Just some things to consider.
 
oh I totally agree Carilyne, he is not ready, and I don't want him to join ever! lol, I am a very proud American...I served in the Air Force during Desert Storm (the first campaign). I love this country, and would be proud to have a son as Marine...but am scared to death to have him there.
that said...he is at the age, mom and dad know nothing..we are old and out of touch...lol
the main issue here is leverage. I have wanted to bring him home and finish his education without the insanity of the drama at highschool. Get it done, and then let him decide, I have let him stay at the school, because we were told (wrong) that he had to have a diploma to enter the Marines.
Just helps Mom and Dad make good decisions for him.
 
The teenage years with my oldest was insane. He made some poor choices, mostly because of his obsession with a girl (a crazy one lol) and spent the better part of 2 years completely grounded. The hardest thing I ever did was send him to live with his dad for a year. I know in my heart it was the best decision at the time since most of the trouble he had been in was because the gf lived in the same subdivision that I do and he was sneaking out at all hours to go to her house...and because he just needed his dad's hand at the time. But it broke my heart not to have him here and it was so difficult to admit that it was getting beyond what I could handle alone. It had been bad. I had baby monitors on the doors, windows nailed shut...you name it. I never really slept. Part of the problem with the girl was that she never had any consequences for anything that went on. I found her in my house at 2 am and when I took her home and knocked on their door, they pretty much dismissed it and me. Same when they found out that she was pregnant. They took over, didn't speak to me, and to this day (7 years later) she hasn't really faced any consequence of becoming a mom. She is 24 and never held a job. Her mom and dad and my son are the only people that have contributed financially to raising my granddaughter. I am thankful that they are no longer together, and haven't been for a long time. He joined the Army National Guard right out of high school and I honestly believe that it was the best thing he ever did. That time away and that environment helped him become the man that he is today and I couldn't be prouder of him. I know that he didn't always make the best choices when he was away, but the discipline and maturity that he gained in that time far outweighs a few bad decisions. He works hard, takes care of his family, and is a completely different person than he was back then. I thank God every day that we both made it out alive! I wish you and him all the best, Anne!! It's so hard sometimes!
 
I am having to draw that line as we speak. My son almost 14 has been "forgetting" to turn in and do assignments in school. I found out when I went to his parent teacher conference and found out he was failing one class and close to failing others. Mind you I sit with my son nightly and help him with homework so he has no excuse not to have it done. We took everything away from him that was of any importance to him and all he can do is homework and reading. He gets something back each week as I see his grades continue to improve. Yet, after speaking to one of his teachers and finding out he was missing a 100 point assignment and seeing his grade drop 2 grade levels we are still battling. I know for a fact he did this assignment because i helped him with it and talked to him about it and saw it when it was complete. So I figured he didn't turn it in. I looked through his backpack and his binder and it is not there and he swears to me he turned it in. So I emailed the teacher and asked her to please check if it got stuck in another students work or if he put it in the wrong box etc etc..I also told him to talk to the teacher when he went to school on Monday since by Sunday two days later I still had not heard back if she had found it. He came home and told me the teacher was a smart-alec to him when he asked her about the assignment. She would not look to see if it was mixed up in something and simply told him that he did not turn it in. So that night I made him sit down to redo the whole assignment. As he was finishing up I got another email from her. Telling me that he did not turn the paper in and accusing me of saying I was insinuating that she had lost his assignment. I never said any such thing nor thought it. She also told me Monday night that he was missing two other assignments I had not been told about before. Therefore I made him sit down and do those assignments as well. We were up very late doing these assignments which is why I have not been at the pad much this week. So Tuesday he goes in with these assignments and she refuses to take them. Tells him they needed to be in by Monday. I was livid!! I called the school and scheduled a meeting with the principal. Told my husband he would be taking off work on the meeting day and we would both be going to speak with this principal and teacher. Wyatt came home today with the assignments graded and accepted. Imagine that! I'm still going to talk to the principal. Yet as I am sitting here I go into the Parent Portal to check his grades and find YET another missing assignment now in another class. So its pretty needless to say that right now I am irate with him and his poor choices. I am tired of his excuses. I don't know what else I can take away from him. So i am sitting here at the computer listening to him write an essay that was due yesterday. My husband and I have both spoken to him and ranted at him and explained the importance to him and every time he acts like he gets it and then this happens again. So yes I understand your original post very well!! LOL
 
oh Jan, your words are like a balm to my soul! YOU survived! I want to hug you and laugh!
and Kellie...we had the same problem with teachers, so we started making copies of my son's work..he would turn one in and have her sign the other. He did the work, she was disorganized. Stand firm momma!
 
My heart goes out to everyone with a story here. I'm going to call my sons this morning and thank them for being so easy.

We had a few issues when they were teens. My youngest was very secretive and snuck around some. I'm quite sure they both tried pot and maybe other stuff but never went too serious. Thing is, from even very small I always made them take responsibility for their actions and decisions. I always set the bar quite high. Of course not life decisions at six, but you see where it's going. My youngest had a horrible relationship with spelling. I offered and tried to help him every night. When he flunked he made the decision to go to summer school on his own so he could move to the next grade with his friends. He succeeded and really never fell behind too much again.

Sometimes tough love means they need to suffer the consequences. The earlier in life and the smaller the consequence the better. I was always honest with them about my own early adult hood years when I was a hippy and did too many things I shouldn't have and made bad life choices. I was very clear that I would help them if they did the same, but it was really their own responsibility.
 
I'm hugging my college kid (after he wakes up, mind you). His time with forgetting to turn in assignments was thankfully short in the long term but it caused some drama between us in late middle school and his first year of high school. It has been a non-event after that, thank goodness.

My oldest has always been a perfectionist with grades and most everything else which has its own challenges. We really have been lucky to have had good schools with supportive teachers and principals throughout both of their public school education.
 
I have a 15 year old that is very much the same way as many of you ladies describe your teens. He is really smart and can do very well in school just by paying attention. Never really had to study for tests. But ... he doesn't like to do homework ... is always in jeopardy of failing a class or two bc of that. It drives me nuts. We revolve around taking smart phone and video games away and it feels like a spiral that never stops. He is about a year away from getting his license and that will just be another thing to hang over his head/take away when he doesn't do what he is sup'd. He has a tendency to make bad choices too, but bc he is not out driving on his own yet, so right now those choices are more manageable. I'm very afraid when he does get the opportunity to earn more freedom and drive on his own. He seems to lack motivation or direction in life ... but alternates btwn wanting to go into the military or ROTC/Nat Guard program. It scares the life out of me. My dad and all my uncles are vets & I have some cousins in the military, but I always said I would chop off his toes before I'd let him join! Now I think it might be best. I can't even picture him going off to college (he is smart enough, but not motivated) ... I feel like it would be a waste of money until he grows up more. So I hear what you are saying ... not wanting your baby to go off into the military, but then you think it might very well be the kick in the butt he needs. It's tough, gut wrenching. I still have 2.5 years until that decision is made by son ... but I dread it.

Kellie ... your life with your son in school sounds just like mine! OMG! I want to pull my hair out of my head!
 
I needed some of these posts right now!

Jenn and Kellie... I'm going through the same darn thing with my son right now. He's a super bright kid (a sophomore in an accelerated STEM/AP Capstone program at a selective enrollment high school) that school comes way too easy for. He's doing well in all classes, but AP US History. He isn't turning in his assignments and lying about it (but I see all with the parent portal). I talked to him about it last night, and basically, he just doesn't see the point of the homework. It's hard (he hates to write) and he aces the tests without doing the homework, so he knows the material and isn't that the point of the class? His grade fluctuates between a C and a D. He has As in everything else. It makes no sense to me and it frustrates me to no end that he just doesn't do stuff when things get hard. His focus since he was 11 was to be an engineer... well, at some point along that path, things are going to get hard. If he doesn't learn to power through that now, when will he learn? He has until Friday to turn in the missing assignments and if he doesn't, something will go away (my husband is traveling, so we still haven't figured out what yet). We're parents who tend to leave the kids to the natural consequences (like Lindzee mentioned), but with this, I'm afraid that he won't see the consequence for this for at least a couple of years when he's trying to apply for college. I feel like I need something more immediate to wake him up.

It's an interesting dynamic though. My son breezes through school, but balks whenever anything gets "hard". School has never been easy for my daughter, but that has made her a fantastic student. She's organized, diligent about getting her homework done and doesn't balk when things get "hard" because it's all hard for her. Kind of makes you think about who will be more successful in life... sigh.
 
I needed some of these posts right now!

Jenn and Kellie... I'm going through the same darn thing with my son right now. He's a super bright kid (a sophomore in an accelerated STEM/AP Capstone program at a selective enrollment high school) that school comes way too easy for. He's doing well in all classes, but AP US History. He isn't turning in his assignments and lying about it (but I see all with the parent portal). I talked to him about it last night, and basically, he just doesn't see the point of the homework. It's hard (he hates to write) and he aces the tests without doing the homework, so he knows the material and isn't that the point of the class? His grade fluctuates between a C and a D. He has As in everything else. It makes no sense to me and it frustrates me to no end that he just doesn't do stuff when things get hard. His focus since he was 11 was to be an engineer... well, at some point along that path, things are going to get hard. If he doesn't learn to power through that now, when will he learn? He has until Friday to turn in the missing assignments and if he doesn't, something will go away (my husband is traveling, so we still haven't figured out what yet). We're parents who tend to leave the kids to the natural consequences (like Lindzee mentioned), but with this, I'm afraid that he won't see the consequence for this for at least a couple of years when he's trying to apply for college. I feel like I need something more immediate to wake him up.

It's an interesting dynamic though. My son breezes through school, but balks whenever anything gets "hard". School has never been easy for my daughter, but that has made her a fantastic student. She's organized, diligent about getting her homework done and doesn't balk when things get "hard" because it's all hard for her. Kind of makes you think about who will be more successful in life... sigh.
 
oh dear friends...I so wish we could sit and drink coffee and smile...so grateful right now for the Pad.
my brain about popped out and went for a walk by itself yesterday....when my son says, "well, I think I may get a high D" and I thought, oh please...please..lol
 
Just wanted to include some words of encouragement. I have two extremely bright boys. We fought with both of them about homework and grades in high school. One we weren't sure was going to graduate on time. One is successful in the computer software field although mom wishes he'd get his Bachelor's degree. And the other graduated with a degree in Physics and would have had honors if not for the boring liberal arts classes. He is still having to go through the rising in the ranks and works at a grocery store. But he has ambition and higher hopes, So they do turn out all right. You think they aren't listening but they are,
 
Some amazing parenting stories here my friends! It makes me feel less alone as I struggle with teen girl problems of my own. I can take heart that I am not the only one self doubting and ripping out my hair (and she is ONLY 13!!).
 
Wow, struggling through my own 12yo handing in assignments. This is all so familiar...

He is smart enough, which seems to be a common thread here but has severe anxiety problems. As soon as he is faced with starting a new assignment he melts down. Completely. I've talked to his tutor who is in charge of his pastoral care at school and she has said he is painfully honest when admitting to not having done homework (he confesses then breaks down). The teachers all like him and don't push him, so it's all up to me - I have been in constant contact with most of them and they are really good. I don't mind that so much as I would rather he let it all out at home than at school but it is emotionally exhausting. I'm hoping it's going to calm once he gets through puberty but I suspect the anxiety will always be there.

His big brother and sister were so easy - I think I contacted the school once each for both of them. I thought this year would be equally cruisy. Parenting kicks you hard sometimes.

Good luck Anne, and everyone else...
 
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