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Parents and care taking

klee73010

klee73010

I might have a thing for drummers
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Apr 25, 2015
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I have witnessed this struggle between my dad and grandpa, and between my mom and grandma, and heard about it between my aunt and my grandpa...

I'm talking about the struggle to decide when they are no longer able to do the normal things by themselves, and I'm wondering if we are hitting this point with my father in law.

My father in law is severely depressed, if i can make that call from just visiting his house. Yesterday, hubby and I went to his house to feed the cats while he is in Vegas attending a seminar about flipping houses (which hubby is convinced is a scam). His house is awful.... I can look in his house, and see where he sits all day every day, and know that all he does is sit on his couch or bed, watching TV and scanning articles via phone internet. The home is covered in years of dust, dirt, animal hair, and cigarette smoke. He takes the dogs outside several times a day, but he does not clean the cat's box often. I thought the kitchen was better, but then I opened the fridge, and saw he really has no food. Lots of frozen convenience things.

All of my mother in law's things are still there, where they've been, since she passed almost 2 years ago now.

If we ask him how he's doing, he says fine. If we invite him over for dinner, he declines. I can't imagine the heartache of losing your life partner after 40 years (ish), but I also know that living the way he is, is not a way to be. His quality of life is certainly low, even if his health, overall, is okay. No serious illnesses or ailments or anything, but lack of desire for life, almost, it seems.

I'm not sure how to help him, when he doesn't want to accept help, or whatever. And I'm not sure what we're going to do, or even how we can approach this with him, knowing him as we do. He's only in his early 60s, so I know his life could be so much more... argh. It's so hard, and I can't imagine what this will be like with my own parents. Hubby is definitely concerned, or else he wouldn't have said anything to me, or asked me to come with him to see (hubby and Father in Law are both pretty introverted and anti social anyway). He is worried and doesn't have any other family to ask (only child). It is really heart breaking.

*sigh* sorry for the book....
 
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this with your father-in-law. I haven't had to have this type of discussion with my own family yet, but I do know that the AARP has some articles and information about it. I bet you could find some great ideas on how to even broach these subjects with your FIL (or how your husband should do it). It seems like the issue isn't physical capability, so hopefully they have ideas on how to speak with a person about the loss of their spouse and how to move forward. And they may have other resources. I know this isn't super helpful but I hope it's a place for you to start.
 
This is a tough one. i wish i good ideas, but i really don't have any. Just wanted to give you support.
My mom is almost 89. My dad died 8 year ago. We have been meeting her for lunch once a week for the last 8 years. The great grandkids were little and went too, only now they are in school. They will come during the summer. We also go out for fast food after church each week. She really misses my dad since they were married over 60 years! We try to focus on safety. Any concerns about that we can do something about. If not eating is an issue maybe consider meals on wheels? That would get some contact with other people, or maybe a senior center in the community? Our senior center has lunches a few days a week at a nominal cost. if someone isn't outgoing though, that might not work. I know my mom wasn't open to that idea even though we tried. AT least she had church and until recently, church choir. It is difficult because even if we were there every day she would still be lonely, so we just decided to go when we can and then leave it up to her to go places or not.
We did ask my mom what she thought would help her and cleaning was one thing, so we go over once or twice a month and help with that. If budget isn't an issue, you might consider that as a gift for a birthday or holiday or something.
This probably doesn't help too much, but as I said, I just wanted to show support for your dilemma. Maybe someone else will come up with better ideas!
 
i would love to actually move him out of his place, and find him a new start. But... I can imagine that would not be his ideal situation. He may not be ready to leave that comfort yet. I'm not sure. Thanks for the input though, @catschwartz !
 
This is a hard! Is it possible to get a crew together and go in and clean his house? Maybe see if you can clean out his wife's items and that you are giving them to a group that can give them to someone in need? A local church or home that takes in abuse victims.....
Sometimes it might be too hard for him to deal with it himself, and having it all cleaned out by someone else is just what he need to help clear his own head. Too overwhelming to even start.

Both of my husbands parents are passed away. After his mother passed away all the children went to their fathers home and helped to pack up what needed to be packed up and given away. Then when his father was at the end of his life. We took him into our home as he needed taking care of.

My father passed away of cancer in 2003 he was lucky enough to stay at home and then passed away in his own bed. My mother cleaned/gave everything away pretty fast. She said it was too hard to sit and look at it all. Even re-painted all the walls in the main rooms and even got all new furniture for the livingroom.....

My mom was 60 when my dad passed away. It is young to be in your 60's and still not live life to the fullest!
 
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I don't have any answers for you, though I think these ladies have some good ideas. I can only imagine the struggle of losing a spouse...especially when you have been a part of each other's lives for so long. I hope that you can figure out how to help him and that he can get involved in life again!
 
I had two friends that lost their spouses within 2 months of each other at 31, and 30 years old. One went through her husband's stuff within a month, mostly on her own. She needed to get rid of it. One didn't move things for almost a year. Then, it was only with 2 friends supporting her as we physically went through stuff that she was able to let go.

People grieve differently, and it may be that while he is physically ready to let go of things, he isn't emotionally ready, and/or doesn't know how to ask. Or he may not be ready. I love the idea above of offering him cleaning help. It may be the catalyst for him to be able to move forward. I think that while the flipping houses may or may not be a scam, it's good to see him showing interest in something. Perhaps your girls could send him art or little notes in the mail?

I hope you are able to figure out what steps you want to take next. Family and relationships are hard.
 
Oh boy. I cannot imagine how hard this is. We haven't had to deal with the grief, but we have had to deal with getting older. My MIL was going to move in with my SIl, but that has actually fallen through. She is very independent, but I worry about her as she is in Florida, and we are in NJ. DH's sister is in VA. She has a lot of medical issues, so this is on my brain a lot.

I think you have a lot of ideas here in this thread. Plus, you have compassion. This is huge. Being there, and supportive while working through this time. Little steps will make the biggest change over a longer time period! Hugs!
 
It's difficult. Hubby and I have lost all of our parents now. But when my Mom passed, she was living with us. It was several years before I got rid of all of her things. It wasn't due to sentimental attachment, I just needed someone to help me walk through and create the piles and plans for where things would go. That someone ended up being my daughter. I just needed a prod -- and someone to ask me if I loved this thing or that thing -- did I want to keep because of some attachment? We ended up keeping very few things, some hand written recipes, a few trinkets that were hand made by Mom and some jewelry.
 
I know how hard this is. And it is cultural and familial also. My mom had rheumatoid arthritis, as I do now, and she fell at one point and my father couldn't help her. Instead of calling 911, he called my sister who still lived close. We (the grown kids) realized our parents could no longer be independent and pressured them into a retirement home where they had independence and still support. They resented at first but once they experienced some of the benefits like not cooking, and bridge club, and book club they loved it. My dad had a great pension ( those times.. ) so financials were less of a struggle than when we were all growing up...

For my in laws (who are Greek) the story is different because the cultural attitude is different. My father-in-law passed away living in his own home at 96. But he wasn't exactly independent. He wrecked his car and endangered the lives of others until we forced him to let us take his car away from him. Taking care of the problems caused by his inability to realize he was no longer independent was a huge struggle. We offered them to live with us and/or move to assisted living but they would not agree and my husband (who is the oldest) would not force.

Now we face the same issue with my mother-in-law. She cannot take care of herself or the house since my father-in-law passed, but she will not admit or accept help or whatever, and no one on that side of the family will force anything.

This is not Greece where they live next door or across the courtyard and dozens of family live across the street. Everyone works hard at day jobs to survive and provide for their children. We can't drop everything to run to her needs. She thinks this is a respect issue, where if we loved her we would do whatever... We do love her, but whatever is impossible in our reality..

It's very hard. I empathize.
 
Thank you all. I have some different things to consider. And when my husband is ready to bring things up with him, we will have some avenues of discussion we can take.
 
Because I live in the same town as parents, I have seen (and helped) both my parents go through this with their parents. Every time the decision was hard and different. Sending lots of hugs and support!
 
I am watching my mother go through this with my grandmother who is 90. Grandma still lives on her own (but lives right in front of my mom), so Mama checks on her often. She takes her everywhere, except for her hair appointment that Grandma still drives herself to because it's off the main road.

Grandma is so independent, and trying to get her to make some changes was difficult. It took time, patience, and persistence. You've got some great suggestions here. The fact that you and your hubby are concerned and willing to try is the first step . . . just reassure him that y'all love him and you're there to help him. It might be he just needs something as simple as a clean up from a maid service (or you or your hubby) once every couple of weeks or once a month to give him a fresh outlook on his living quarters.
 
As far as I can tell, from him visiting our home, and his Facebook posts, and discussions with hubby, he is very interested in motorcycles and F1 races.... but that's about it. I'm happy he has interests. But his living situation is where I'm concerned. He is a fully capable 61 yr old man... who just doesn't care about the accumulation of these sorts of garbage, showering, or the feeding himself regular meals. He's not a drinker, or drug user, so it's not like he's ever out of his right mind in any "usual" terms.

If I had an apartment behind my house, I'd probably offer that to him, with rules, like cleaning up after your pets, and please don't smoke in the house. If I could afford to help him with rent, I'd be all about suggesting he move to somewhere else... cleaning would be that bad.

I can appreciate the idea of going through everything in the house is daunting and absolutely putting it off. His life has certainly not been easy.

But like I mentioned, he is also extremely stubborn/independent, and prideful, too. So coming up with suggestions is great start. Now I need to figure out how to broach them with him, or how hubby can.

I appreciate all the thoughts and discussion you ladies have provided. :)
 
I don't have any ideas for you; wish I did. My husband's mother stayed with us for 6 years and it was a very difficult time. My husband's brother did not want to take any responsibility at all. She had some dementia and was constantly accusing us of stealing from her, doing things to her or her stuff that we had not. Last summer we had to put her in a nursing home because of a stroke. At first it was difficult for my husband but now he knows it was the best for her. We would not be able to care for her in our home.

I'll be thinking about you as you go through this.
 
I can empathise, having gone through something like this with my mother. It became evident that she could no longer live on her own, after a fall and apparent stroke. We brought her to stay with us and eventually got her into an old age home. She is very unhappy, cries daily and just wants to escape. However she can not be left alone, she is too frail to walk around the house unaided and we have stairs between the living room, bedrooms and toilets. She has fallen, fractured her spine, broken her left arm and a few ribs. I had to sort and through out decades worth of stuff in the old family home, my grandparents died >35 years ago. So much stuff was hoarded and intended to be recycled or fixed or donated but nothing was done. I wish I had solutions and suggestions, but I can just say that I know how it feels like and I feel for you.
 
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