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Pad Patter 3/20: Would you talk to the parent?

Dalis

Dalis

Jose Cuervo is NOT a good friend
Joined
May 6, 2011
Messages
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Ok, I need help! Bianca did a horrible mistake yesterday and repeated something she heard in the playground at school at someone's house in the neighborhood. She insulted another kid, I am not even sure she understands what she said. The mom made her apologize but didn't say anything to me. This morning the neighbor's kid comes to the bus stop and tells her she is not allowed over to their house.
1. I am surprised that the mom didn't tell me anything when I went to pick her up.
2. I am the last person to learn about the "incident", my other neighbor told me today after she heard it from 4 other people!

We tried stopping to make Bianca apologize to her and the kid again and for me to talk to the mom. I understand that it's her house, but the thing is that all the kids play in their driveway that is the place for them to play because it's in the cul-de-sac and it's safer. Now my kid is not allowed to play there. Is it out of place for me to ask her to re-consider her decision, that this is the first time ever that we have heard Bianca say a bad word and that we understand that it was a mistake. We all make mistakes and I just wish she gave a second chance to my child.

Do I want BIANCA to be around this neighbor which is as you can imagine the biggest gossiper in town? Probably not, but I don't want her to be alienated for ONE mistake. Bianca is a good child, that did ONE mistake. Do you think it is wrong from me to do this? HELP. I am crying so much due to this. I don't want my child to get the reputation this neighbor is spreading around about her. HELP!
 
oh it is time to bring a dessert or some kind of peace offering over to the woman. laugh and apologize. Ask her for the whole story, not the partial one. Stuff like this get ugly so fast. I recommend going humble and let her drive the conversation. I wouldn't take your sweet daughter, so you can adult talk. You can then judge what to do, perhaps she was shocked by it. You can figure out if an apology is in order, or if she is just insane! bhwwhahah
 
Anne's suggestion is a good one, and poor Bianca being ostracized which is horrible at any age, but could be damaging at hers. Good for you for wanting to solve this for your daughter.
 
Wow, it is upsetting that the neighbor wouldn't speak directly to you about the situation. That's a red flag for me. Why is she blabbing to other neighbours, but not to you? Are you confident the incident really did happen? or that she's telling the neighbours all the facts? I don't know how old your daughter is, but if she's old enough, ask her to tell you what happened. Ask any other neighbours if they know what happened, from sources other than the gossip lady. And then, armed with as much info as you can put together, I would knock on her door and ask her to tell you what happened and how she dealt with it. If your daughter has done something inappropriate, let her know that troubles you and you want to deal with it. If you have a good conversation and come to an understanding, you can decide if you want your child to even play over there and if so, see what she needs to hear to reconsider her position. If she's making a mountain out of a molehill or making up the incident, maybe it's just as well that you distance yourselves from this neighbor. Encourage your daughter to have her friends come and play at your house - inside or backyard. At all times, be friendly and pleasant. If she is a difficult person you don't want to make more trouble for your family!
 
I agree with Anne and Martha. It is strange that the mom did not call you first, especially before she told anyone else. It would make me think the lady had a problem with me. Because why else would she not immediately let you know of the situation? Or as mentioned, maybe it did not happen the way she is making it out to be. Definitely talk to her and see where her head is at before you give her any idea of what you are thinking/feeling.
 
I would try Anne's suggestion. There might be more going on than you are aware of yet. You need to get to the bottom of this mothers feelings before you can decide what to do next.
 
I believe children should be given chances, they are children and learning their way in the world. How are they going to learn if by one mistake you are now alienated. I too would feel slighted if the parent hadn't spoken to me first to make me aware of what happened, at least then you could have dealt with it together.

I definitely would speak to the other mother, find out exactly what happened and then listen. Once she has explained her version, and I say version as there are always three sides to every story--her truth, Bianca's truth and what happened. Not saying either is omitting anything but we all perceive things differently. See if there is anyway to come to a compromise and what Bianca needs to do to make it better.

Again, she is a child and I find it harsh that was banned for repeating a bad word. My goodness, in the grand scheme of things it was a bad word, a situation easily dealt with and put to rest. I mean that towards the neighbour not you :). Good luck and I hope Bianca is ok.
 
Agree with Jaye that they are children! I find it amazing that your neighbour being a mom herself could be so harsh. She herself should know that Bianca is repeating something and does not know any better at her age! I agree with Anne's suggestions also - bring out the sweet smiley Dalis and solve it out the best U can
 
Dalis I'm sorry you and Bianca are going through this - I agree that you should speak to the mom - taking the upper road and being civil and humble about it. I do see red flags too since she'd share anything with YOU about the incident!! I will be keeping you both in my thoughts and am sending positive vibes your way!!! Keep us posted!
 
Ok, we tried to talk to them last night but they were not home. We went today and we (my husband, Bianca and I) talked to the dad since the mom was busy in the kitchen. He said, they understand that it was a mistake and believe that Bianca didn't know what she was saying. I would have loved to talk to the mom, but she never came to the door while we were there, neither we were invited inside the house (red flags, I know). I did what I think was the right thing to show my daughter how you must own your own mistakes in life and now I am just going to keep going in life with my sweet girl and hubby with our heads held high.


XOXO to all of you for all the feedback!
 
well, you all are very nice people, because my first impulse was I would go and grab the woman by her shirt and tell her how dare she not talk to me when something of the sort is happening, before stopping Bianca going to her house-
I think you are much better of without Bianca being around these people, at least the mother doesn't sound like a right person to me-

You did the best-

I can't believe how a mother cannot understand that young kids repeat , most of the time without knowing what they are saying.....
You are right, you did great, just keep giving Bianca the love you always give, you have been doing an amazing job educating her-

as I said, you all are very nice people-
I used to be a lot more angered on dealing with unfairness when Sarita was in primary....
 
Dalis, I think you and your husband taught Bianca a very important and the best lesson by doing what you did. She learned that you own your mistakes, mom and dad are in her corner (so important for kids) and even though it's hard and may not go the way you want, doing the right thing makes you feel better.

Like you also said, the three of you can hold your heads high by owning it, dealing with it, learning from it and moving on. :)
 
Oh geez. Poor Bianca! I'm so sorry this happened this way. I can't believe the Mom didn't even come to the door, but maybe it's because she's a little embarrassed about her reaction to the situation? Or maybe she doesn't do well with confrontation (I don't either). Anyway, hopefully now that you've made the attempt to communicate with the family, it'll blow over and Bianca can play with her friends again. Probably if the kids had been left to themselves, this whole thing would be over and forgotten already.
 
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