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Need feedback for my kiddo...

Dalis

Dalis

Jose Cuervo is NOT a good friend
Joined
May 6, 2011
Messages
21,594
Bianca is having trouble with her hockey teammates. During Spring she was pushed aside from her friends by some teammates because the other kids didn't want to talk with the new girls (in-experienced) girls. Her "friends" will just not speak to the new girls, pass the puck, stuff like that and Bianca and another girl decided to be the better persons and make the new girls feel accepted. Doing this made her "friends" push her aside, they spent all Spring doing sleepovers and playdates and not inviting Bianca, the other kid or any of the new ones. Mind you the only two from the Fall team not being invited to all these get togethers were Bianca and the other kid. Spring time is over and today during a Summer camp, these kids were are the same camp as Bianca, they ask Bianca to play on her team (because Bianca can SMOKE them all on the ice) and when they won they did a group hug and purposely left Bianca outside of the hug. She has been totally destroyed today after it and I am upset. I know these are NOT REAL friends, but she thinks that some of her friends are just doing what the ring leader is asking them to do. I know REAL FRIENDS wouldn't do that and stood up for a friend, but I don't know how to tell Bianca. She is such a sweet, caring child, which is the reason this happen. She didn't want the new kids to feel like outsiders. I told her that maybe she needed to put more time and effort in creating new friendships with the new girls, but she wants her friends back. She is destroyed! HELP!
 
Well, that's just awful and I am so sorry that she (and you!) are having to deal with this.

They don't deserve her.

I agree that she should focus on new friendships, although I know that is easier said than done. I also wouldn't be happy about my child being part of a group with those sort of dynamics, even if they were prepared to "accept her back". Because she would always be fearful they might turn on her again, and because of how she may feel pressured to behave in order to 'prove herself' to them. But, again, easier said than done! Sorry I don't have any useful advice, it's a tough one :(
 
Dalis, I'm so sorry. Gen is going through something quite similar--not related to a team, but just girls in her class ignoring her. Tween years stink! It's so wonderful that Bianca and this other girl wanted to include the new girls. She has a big heart!

I hate involving adults, but has the coach noticed anything? This is a team, so I feel like a coach could address it simply from that standpoint--not even bringing up sleepovers or whatever, but just give some type of rallying speech or whatever it is that coaches do. (Can you tell I don't play sports? :giggle) That may not help with the play date/sleepover situation, but it could be a start. I'm not suggesting you go yelling to the coach, but maybe ask if they have noticed any type of unfairness between the Fall team players and the newbies? It's not that you'd want the coach to solve this for the girls (because a coach can't solve the sleepover/play date issue), but maybe addressing the issue where it started could help off the ice as well?

Oh, I have an idea: could you set up a sleepover/hanging out time with a friend of hers--she can give you a name, of course. Maybe hanging out with a non-hockey buddy will remind her that (1) there are more girls out there than just her team mates and (2) there are real, truly nice friends who care and won't turn on you.

And if she still wants her friends back, maybe you could sit down and honestly, without judgement, ask her why she wants them back. Maybe her answer could help you figure out what's bothering her. Is she afraid she won't make new friends? [That seems to be Gen's biggest concern, esp. with middle school on the horizon.] Is she afraid for the team dynamic? IDK, I'm just throwing out ideas, but the important thing could just be getting her to explain her thought process. Again, I'm sorry Bianca is going through this. The fact that you're treating her pain with the respect it deserves is really important, and it's great that she feels comfortable going to you with this.
 
I'm SO sorry Dalis, for Bianca and you. Sara, @Tree City sorry your Gen is going through a similar situation, too. I'll never understand why kids have to act this way! It's so heart-breaking for them and us as moms, too. I'm just sitting here shaking my head. It makes me heart sick!
 
LynnG said:
Well, that's just awful and I am so sorry that she (and you!) are having to deal with this.

They don't deserve her.

I agree that she should focus on new friendships, although I know that is easier said than done. I also wouldn't be happy about my child being part of a group with those sort of dynamics, even if they were prepared to "accept her back". Because she would always be fearful they might turn on her again, and because of how she may feel pressured to behave in order to 'prove herself' to them. But, again, easier said than done! Sorry I don't have any useful advice, it's a tough one :(
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Tree City said:
Dalis, I'm so sorry. Gen is going through something quite similar--not related to a team, but just girls in her class ignoring her. Tween years stink! It's so wonderful that Bianca and this other girl wanted to include the new girls. She has a big heart!

I hate involving adults, but has the coach noticed anything? This is a team, so I feel like a coach could address it simply from that standpoint--not even bringing up sleepovers or whatever, but just give some type of rallying speech or whatever it is that coaches do. (Can you tell I don't play sports? :giggle) That may not help with the play date/sleepover situation, but it could be a start. I'm not suggesting you go yelling to the coach, but maybe ask if they have noticed any type of unfairness between the Fall team players and the newbies? It's not that you'd want the coach to solve this for the girls (because a coach can't solve the sleepover/play date issue), but maybe addressing the issue where it started could help off the ice as well?

Oh, I have an idea: could you set up a sleepover/hanging out time with a friend of hers--she can give you a name, of course. Maybe hanging out with a non-hockey buddy will remind her that (1) there are more girls out there than just her team mates and (2) there are real, truly nice friends who care and won't turn on you.

And if she still wants her friends back, maybe you could sit down and honestly, without judgement, ask her why she wants them back. Maybe her answer could help you figure out what's bothering her. Is she afraid she won't make new friends? [That seems to be Gen's biggest concern, esp. with middle school on the horizon.] Is she afraid for the team dynamic? IDK, I'm just throwing out ideas, but the important thing could just be getting her to explain her thought process. Again, I'm sorry Bianca is going through this. The fact that you're treating her pain with the respect it deserves is really important, and it's great that she feels comfortable going to you with this.
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Cherylndesigns said:
I'm SO sorry Dalis, for Bianca and you. Sara, @Tree City sorry your Gen is going through a similar situation, too. I'll never understand why kids have to act this way! It's so heart-breaking for them and us as moms, too. I'm just sitting here shaking my head. It makes me heart sick!
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Thank you ladies!

Sara, I am sorry Gen is going through this too, it seriously sucks! The problem is one of the kids doing this, it's the kid's coach. The second problem is that Summer time is really hard for her because her BFF goes away ALL SUMMER LONG.
I know, she talked to me and her dad separately to see if we had different ideas. I gave my hubby a HEADS-UP because I know this must not have been something easy to come to us with. We even got her, her comfort food (chinese).
 
I'm sorry! I like Sara has some great advice. I really like the asking why she wants to be friends with them?
I know for me, it took my mom pointing out that I hated the way a certain person treated others to make me realize that I didn't want to be friends with a girl like that. Especially since people thought I must be like her since I was with her.
 
It is a tough one especially with it being the coach's kid, but I still would still bring the situation to the coach (without naming names) to put it out there that they are ONE team and the "all for one, one for all" Muskateer style. I think that might help. I am trying to think of the name of that movie with the 1986 hockey olympians was a good movie to watch... that or The Titans aother sports movie that shows inclusion of all are good movies to watch. Maybe you could suggest to the coach one of those movies for a movie night to reflect how teams come together and are strong to win when everyone works together on a team and doesn't exclude anyone. The coach doesn't need to know it is their kid creating the issue but maybe saying you have seen this by watching the team will leave all names out and just look at the issue. A sports movie night sounds like something fun for the summer :) I hope this works out for Bianca. It is so muh harder than when we were kids. Hugs @Dalis that things work out.
 
That's heartbreaking!
I'm so sorry she has go thru this, it's so unfair, especially since she doing all she can to make new girls feel welcome.
I don't have any other 'advice' than what I've read above, but I wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you.
Please tell Bianca she's the best of all of them, the world needs more people like her
 
So sorry she's having to deal with that, Dalis...and Gen, too, Sara @Tree City. I don't have any great advice that you haven't already been given, but I agree to just keep reinforcing to her that she is the better person and maybe she can become the leader of her own group of kind girls. I know it's so hard for them at that age! Annemieke is right, the world needs more like her!
 
Kids are so mean sometimes, it makes me nuts! The world would be so better off if everyone was less judgmental and even a little bit more tolerable and nicer. I'm so sorry that you guys have to deal with this girl and her bad leadership of other girls.

I think Sara gave some great advice. I know in the past, Shayne has had some issues with a neighborhood boy. I wasn't going to get involved, but I stuck them together to get over themselves and differences. Hashing it out one on one worked for them. Is this a possibility? Working together is stronger, and would lead to a better team. I'm sorry. Hugs!
 
Mean girls suck!

My daughter had to work thru a situation like this in elementary school. One little girl thought she could rule the group and they had to do what she wanted them to do and think the way she wanted them to think. It was rough! Luckily, the rest of the group figured out on their own that they were their own people and eventually parted ways with her but she had a rough 5th grade year. There were times I almost called her parents but knew it wouldn't help and just had to bite my tongue.

I'm sorry she is having to deal with this. I'm sure it doesn't make going to her practices and games easy. I hope you are able to have some sort of resolution. So much for teamwork!
 
Dalis said:
... and when they won they did a group hug and purposely left Bianca outside of the hug....
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(Really? Not including a friend during a happy moment because someone else didn't want you to? Is that *ever* okay?)

I agree with focusing on the new friendships; if her old friends are really her friends, they will notice and will come back to her. No one needs friends who do not try to help each other when they are sad or being put down and they will most certainly want be there with you for the happy times.

Back in fourth grade, my daughter had an issue with a new girl at school who sort of took over her group of friends and was deliberately leaving her out. Fortunately, she has friends outside of her school who would go out of their way to include her or to go after her if she seemed to be feeling sad, and the girls following the lead of the new girl were not that. It was a difficult year for her, and near the end, she told them all that if they were going to keep treating her that way, she couldn't be friends with them anymore. The next year, she advanced to the next school, which was a combination of the three lower level schools, and she was back together with some of her real friends (and made more friends), and now she's in a better place. It was rough getting there though, since she ended up without any school friends for the last part of that year. However, I am forever grateful that she had so many *real* friends outside of school that she recognized both that she was not the problem and that she couldn't continue to let herself be pulled down by her so-called "friends." She is sad that she lost a couple of those girls as friends -- she still sees them in school -- but also thinks that if they had been her friends, they would have stood up for her when she needed them.

I hope that these new friendships become stronger than the old ones that your daughter is missing. She will be much happier with a group who support her as much as she supports them.
 
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