Moms

[scrapsandsass]

So does anyone else have a mom who is completely frustrating?

For the most part, now that I am an adult, my mom and I get along okay, but for awhile though, holy jeez, we had huge battles.

But her new thing, for the last month or two, is to tell me that I look "sick." She says that she's just telling me because she's worried about me because I look so tired and so sick, but I don't know. She stopped by after she got off work the other night and told me again that I really look drained and tired and that she had taken a cell pic of me and I looked like I was really sick.

DH and DD tell me that she is crazy, passive aggressive and just trying to make me feel bad about myself and that I shouldn't listen to her, but now I'm all paranoid and ordering wrinkle cream online and stuff. Ugh. As if that would help.

Does anyone else have these mom issues? Or suggestions for wrinkle reducer?

 

[LeeAndra]

I've had my issues in the past with my mom. It still bothers me that she is willing to throw me under the bus when it comes to my dad and sister vs. me so that she doesn't have to deal with their drama or have a confrontation with them. I can't imagine offering my daughter up as a 'sacrifice,' as it were, in order to keep the peace with other members of the family, but I've spent the last couple years trying to see my mom as a person rather than as my mom. She very much lives her life as a victim and reacts to things instinctually due to the abusive household she grew up in. Since she is unwilling to seek counseling or help for this, I have had to come to terms with the fact that she did and now does provide for me in many ways, but emotionally is not one of them and never will be. I am very much her mother when it comes to emotional and mental issues, and I've had to accept that as as good as it's going to get.

On the other hand, now that I know she's not going to put me first when my dad and sister want something different than I do, I've started being much more proactive abt scheduling and planning family events and activities to be more accomodating to me and mine. Since I am the only person who has to travel to family events, I've now started suggesting dates and times that work best for me vs. allowing my dad and sister to dictate when things will happen or my mom throwing things together at the last minute when she's realized that the decision has been left up to her. We're spending Easter with my family this year, and instead of traveling up there twice in 3 weeks to celebrate my dad's bday at the end of March + Easter, I told my mom it would work best for us if we could celebrate my dad's bday the day before Easter so it would just be one trip. Now it is so.

The only other major issue I have with my mom is her 'oldness.' In the last couple years, she's been pretty stressed and depressed and has become extra sensitive and extra forgetful. She used to have a perfect memory, and while I realize she can't help getting old, it is still frustrating to know that I told her something (often more than once), and she doesn't remember that she's been told until it negatively affects plans I've made with her. She seems to forget that you can't fly by the seat of your pants when you have a toddler in tow, and they can't go without eating or napping without some negative consequences. We almost had a big row last summer over DD's bday party after my mom insisted on hosting and insisted on buying the decorations, responded in the affirmative with the ideas and direction I had that I not only told her over the phone but via email (so she couldn't say that I didn't tell her), and STILL did something completely different that I didn't know abt until I showed up at her house that morning and thought it was 'no big deal' that she substituted out the decorations and theme we'd agreed on for some subpar decorations from the dollar store. That can obviously be taken care of by never having her host again. It's not Alzheimer's or dementia, but more like old person self-absorption.

 

[yellowpeep]

My mom-in-law is always telling me about some great cover up she's found and hinting heavily that I should get it (I'm Irish and grew up in Hawaii so I've got lots of pesky spots). She's great but it used to really hurt my feelings because even though she thought she was being helpful, what I heard her saying was "your dark spots are really noticeable-- you should do something about them." I now smile politely and change the subject. I let it roll off of me because really, I'm 40 now and I can't let every little thing get to me anymore.

I'm sorry that your mom is being hurtful. Is she the kind of person that would respond well if you simply told her how she was making you feel? Another option might be to say "It's funny that you say that because two people today told me how great I look!"

 

[renee82]

My mom is my mom and a friend. I guess that's what happens when only 18 years separate us. We've been through a lot together and although I value her opinion, I've learned that I don't need her approval. She is an amazing person but because she's so young, she seems to be in constant competition with me. For instance, I have 2 boys and although she says they are so different than girls (she had 3 girls) if I for one moment say that I hate getting them both dressed in their snow suits (this mostly happened when they couldn't dress themselv) well she would remind me that she did it with THREE kids! Like she deserves a medal because she had one more... If I can run a marathon, she can run a marathon and of course do it quicker... I hate that competitive part of her. She's supposed to be my mom, not my competitor. It really makes me feel inadquate when she says things like that to me... and she's ALWAYS making excuses for my sisters. It's not my fault that they didn't grow up and I did... anyhow... lol! As much as she can drive me crazy, I love her and we get along amazingly. Most of the time.

 

[Micheline Martin]

My mother used to be quite childish growing up and even in my early 20's, she is just now starting to act like a mom and to be around my kids more, In the past I would go months and months not speaking to her because of some stupid childish hissy fit she took.

 

[RebeccaH]

my mom and i get along really well. she does drive me nuts sometimes, but just because she is SOOOO detail-oriented, and i'm so NOT. so, yeah, that can be a stumbling block with us sometimes. but other than that, she mostly respects my boundaries, asks if i want advice before she gives it, and basically just supports me and minds her own business. maybe though, it's because we live nearly 3 hrs apart, so she can't be in my daily junk.

 

[4noisyboys]

I did have a rough relationship with my mom. I do remember when my boys were small, and I said something about my youngest like, "Isn't he the cutest thing"? She replied with how she thought her kids were the cutest. This was her grandchild. I couldn't care less about HER kids (me being one of them, right?) There was definitely a jealousy thing for her. I was the only girl and my dad spoiled me. She babied my brothers though. There were other things too that we never got to get to the bottom of before her alzheimers got bad. I tried, but it only made things worse. There were a lot of hurtful things she did to me and I really wanted to understand why.

Now...she's in a nursing home and probably won't know who I am when I see her next week (she's about a 10 hour drive away). It's hard...but I just go and love on her. There's nothing much more to do.

 

[melrio]

Between my mom & I....on again, off again. It wasn't always like that either. Up til I was 32, we were great and did everything together but then the lil' secret that she hid and I found out by some other family member had a profound on our family. We have tried to patch up the relationship but she harbors some feelings about her OD 'Other Daughter' and I feel like I paid for it when OD stopped having any communication with her.

Oh....it's just a long story and I don't think my mom has really gotten over giving OD up for adoption when she was young, back in the early 60s, to a very Catholic family. KWIM

So, now, I bite my tongue when I need to and just roll with it until our visit is complete.

 

[rmcabana]

My mom is also my roommate! I know, I know, I know I should be thankful that she let me move back home a few years ago when I had a lot of debt problems. I was able to pay off my debt, but haven't left yet because our job situations have been pretty shaky the last few years. Mom was unemployed for a year, so it was my turn to help her. Sometimes, I really do like having the company, but other times I feel like I'm going to go insane!

We have a lot of passive aggressive battles or silent disagreements over stupid stuff like my dog or cleaning the house. I admit I'm not the best housekeeper, but I try to keep things neat and she is total slob. My mother has never lived alone, so I don't think it occurs to her how the dishes get from the table to the sink sometimes! Then there are things like she dominates the television (always tuned to CBS or Hallmark Channel), always wants to tag along wherever I'm going, complains about my dog, makes really terrible food that I feel bad not eating. (She's never been a great cook.)

I'm beyond grateful that I do have her in my life and am so thankful that my rent is cheap, she feeds my dog, moves my car for me in the mornings, makes soup when I'm sick and does countless little things to help me out. I often say that I love my mom, but my roommate (just like all the others I've had) drives me crazy, and I try to remember that. But it's hard living at home.

Now that I have a new job and my commute is longer and more expensive, I really need to think about moving closer to work. I haven't talked to her about it yet. I feel so guilty already!

 

[crystalbella77]

*sigh* I adore my mom in so many ways but yes...she can be completely frustrating. in some really big ways and in some small ways like this one..

I had to grocery shop one day and i came home and she had left me a message. I couldn't call her back right away because we were having dinner guests and I had to cook etc. I never got a chance to call her back before our company arrived. During the course of their visit she called me like 7 times on my home phone and cell phone. FINALLY our guest was like "Go ahead and answer it. She must need something since she's calling so much". (I hadn't answered cause I thought she probably just wanted to talk) so I answer and she immediately goes "ARE YOU OK!?" I was like "Why wouldn't I be???" she was totally freaked out because I hadn't called her back! I was like "I have company so I couldn't call you back" She did feel bad..but it was so weird and totally frustrating...she did that again today even *sigh*

I just feel like I am not allowed to be my own person and do my own things sometimes and It's tiresome. That's just one of the many things that is frustrating about her...but does show that at least she cares and loves me I guess hhaha!

 

[staciahall]

I'm an only child and always considered myself close to my mom. When my daughter was a baby, she would keep her overnight two nights a week so that I could get a full nights sleep. That slacked off after a while but she was always there for me to help with her and then my son. Then about 10 years ago, she and my dad divorced and she became very self-focused both with me and with pretty much everything else in her life.

Now, I call her every weekend and chat for about 15 to 20 minutes. I see her about every two months or so for the weekend if I go there. And that's about it...