I need some advice...

[Lynnette]

My neighbor across the street and I have been going through this pregnancy together - she is due just a couple of weeks ahead of me. (I'm about 20 weeks right now.) She and I just acquaintances... our kids play together quite a bit and we say hi and chat a bit if we see each other outside, but I don't know a lot about her and we aren't particularly close. I just heard from another neighbor that she lost her baby this week (while I was out of town) and my heart is just aching for her. I want to express my condolences and reach out to her, but I am worried that since I don't know her well that it will be awkward. Plus there's the fact that I still have my baby and she doesn't, which must feel horribly unfair. I don't really know what to say other than that I am so, so sorry for her loss. I can't even really offer empathy as I have never had a miscarriage. Any advice on what I should do? What I could say that could offer some sympathy and comfort? I'd appreciate your thoughts

 

[karen perry]

Hmmm this is a hard one I too have never been through a miscarriage and I can see from your point of view where your coming from thinking you still have yours and that's exactly how I'd think but I'm sure the other lady wouldn't think that at all maybe a card and some flowers may say it all a kind gesture maybe just to acknowledge it offer your condolences

 

[amandajane]

I have had a miscarriage, but it was quite a bit earlier. I would agree with sending her some flowers and a short message to let her know you are thinking of her and her loss. But I wouldn't try to have a conversation with her about it.. just yet. Give her some time and distance but let her know you are there for her.

 

[Dana]

i lost a baby at 14 weeks ... so earlier ... but i think that a card with a little gift (e.g., flowers or plant, baked goods, etc - nothing too big since you don't know her that well) is a very nice gesture ... and i agree w/ amanda - she may not want to talk about it now - although i'm sure in time she may want to (at least i did - i know people felt bad about bringing it up, but after a while i actually wanted to talk ... )

 

[Karen]

I have a friend who had one miscarriage and lost two full term babies. It's horrible, but just letting your neighbor know that you are there for is probably the best thing you can do. The 2nd best thing might be a homecooked meal delivered to their door so that she won't have to do it herself. Also offering to take her kids so she can have some time to herself would probably be another good gesture. Poor woman.

 

[tuttle]

I agree w/ all the wisdom shared above. I have had more than enough friends lose their babes (before we were friends) & these are things they had wished others would have done for them.

 

[Lor]

I too have never dealt with this type of loss, but I agree with the others above that have been through it. A nice soft, I'm thinking of you; She'll remember you showed your empathy with her loss....

 

[gracielou]

I have had several miscarriages and one of them was when my sister-in-law and I were pregnant and due around the same time. When I lost my baby it was very hard for me being around her and even after my nephew was born because it was always a reminder that I would have had one around the same age etc.. It's better now but like others have said before me I would send flowers or a card but probably would not start up conversation right now.

 

[Lynnette]

Thanks for the advice ladies... you are the best! I will definitely send something over.

 

[lmccandless]

I have had several miscarriages and one of them was when my sister-in-law and I were pregnant and due around the same time. When I lost my baby it was very hard for me being around her and even after my nephew was born because it was always a reminder that I would have had one around the same age etc.. It's better now but like others have said before me I would send flowers or a card but probably would not start up conversation right now.

Yes, totally agree. I think Amanda's advice is excellent. I had 5 miscarriages in between my daughters and I also found that it was very painful to be around pregnant women right after my losses. I think a plant that she can keep and a card are the best choices. I was given several plants that I still treasure as part of remembering those babies. I would also suggest to just keep whatever you say in the card very basic. Even though I tried to see that it was coming from a caring place, cards that said things like "you can try again when you feel better" or "it just wasn't meant to be" were very hard to handle. Obviously, you are already coming from a really sensitive and caring place just by asking others for advice about doing the best thing. I am sure whatever you decide will be very much appreciated, Lynnette.

 

[Karah]

Oh that is so so so hard

Yesterday was five years since my nephew died (39 week gestation). My two sisters-in-law were pregnant together, and my niece was born only 4 days after my nephew was stillborn. It was an awful, awful time. And to be honest, and awful year because my one SIL wouldn't talk to or be in the same room as my other SIL for almost 9 months. Now I think that was a pretty extreme situation, and I've talked to many other people who didn't deal with it nearly as badly as my SIL did, but that's exactly it - everyone is so different. So I agree -I would send flowers and a card, and then wait for her to come to you. What my SIL and other friends have said is the most important thing to them is that people acknowledge and remember their baby, so tiptoeing around the issue isn't necessarily helpful either - kwim? It's such a sad, complex situation no matter how you look at it. Prayers and hugs to you and to your friend!

 

[carolee]

I would also suggest to just keep whatever you say in the card very basic. Even though I tried to see that it was coming from a caring place, cards that said things like "you can try again when you feel better" or "it just wasn't meant to be" were very hard to handle.

I agree with this completely. I have friends who have suffered through some very difficult miscarriages and sometimes well meaning words can be the most painful things about the experience. Definitely being careful about what you say and write is important. Less is more.

 

[Nikki Epperson]

You've gotten plenty of good advice, I just wanted to offer hugs and tell you I think it's wonderful that you're reaching out!

 

[la]

yep yep.. a plant- not flowers, as flowers die, and a simple note are def the best way to go. When i lost my pg before connor i simply did not want to hear a word from anyone at all. Even the best intentions can hurt when in an emotional state.

 

[Kat]

A couple of things...
First, here's a resource for you... http://www.nationalshare.org/
http://www.nationalshare.org/family-friends.html

This may help you know what to say when that comes up as it will inevitably come up.

I would write a hand written note expressing sympathy to put inside the card. There are going to be SO many cards that she'll get and they are all the same... I'm sorry, blah blah, and you read them, think... that's nice of him/her... and toss it aside. A flower with a butterfly would be nice or maybe something she can plant when she's ready to attract butterflies. This is good because it gives her something after the fact. Butterflies are a common symbol of peace after a loss. Let her know you are there to talk if she wants, but it will be very hard for her to see you and see your baby grow up knowing her child would be the same age. That's still hard for me to this day... my niece AND nephew were both born within about 6 months of my son's death. It's easier to handle because they are family, but never leaves my mind even nearly 6 years later.

Second:
Don't use the word "miscarriage"... If she was 22 weeks, it's less likely that it is classified as an actual miscarriage and when I lost my son at 21 weeks, that bugged the you know what out of me. My son was actually born, I gave birth to him like anyone else, he was just small, and died. If she did actually give birth or it was a stillborn, then a parent can view it differently.

 

[adejong]

exactly what Kat said.

we lost our son at 20 weeks and while it was very hard to be around others who were expecting, for me what hurt the most was the people who didn't say anything or didn't acknowledge that we'd had a baby

 

[Lynnette]

Thank you so much ladies... this is all such great advice. And {HUGS} to all of you have been in this situation. I really appreciate you sharing your experience and perspective.