Follow up teens and money question...

[tkradtke]

So, to go along with my previous post, I have a question. Once teens are more independent and out and about on their own, how much do you as the "host" parent pay for?

If we were to take my son and friends out somewhere, we would expect to pay for it (mainly because we had control of where they were going and closer control on the money). But if they decide that they want to run out to get pizza on their own, do you pay for everyone or do you expect that each kid will cover their own? I struggle with this because once they leave without you, you lose control of what the money is being used for. So instead of the reasonable large pizza to share and regular sized sodas, they each come back with a large pizza for themselves plus a giant soda and candy. This week has been my first real experience with them being so independent and I felt like an ATM. This afternoon they decided that they wanted to go to the movie, so they took the bus (we paid the fare since neither of them had their fare cards) and I bought the tickets on Fandango so my son could have the scan code on his phone (I also figured that this was not an anticipated expense when the parents gave their kids money before they came over so we should cover it). I sent the last of my cash (a $20) with my son for treats for him or everyone if they could find something to share for $20. One of the kids had been sent with money by his parents for "just in case" and used that to buy his stuff. The other (the one who had spend all of his money his parents gave him on gift cards) had my son buy his treats (which unbeknownst to me my son paid for with his own money that he had been saving). So now I'm trying to figure out whether I should feel bad about the one friend having to pay for so much (he had also bought his own pizza when they had gone out the day before) when the other friend has paid for nothing all week or if the standard is, as a teen, that you pay for your own stuff?

We have always, even since they were little, sent our kids with just in case money, but rarely have they ever used it. In my daughter's case, the norm seems to be for the parents to pay the entry (such as a concert or movie ticket), but anything else she buys once they're in comes out of my daughter's money.

So, to cut the ramblings and get to the point... how do you decide what you pay for vs. the teen pay for when they're out independent of you when you are the "host"?

 

[Dalis]

I don't have teenagers, but I was raised on the rule of "you only go if you can pay for it". They are learning to be young adults and the responsibility starts as early as you can. Never in my wildest dream I would have expected for you to pay for everything, unless you are telling me that it was a birthday party or something of that kind.

 

[Karen]

Yeah, I don't have teenagers yet either, so I don't know, but I think that if you invite someone with you as a family, you pay. If the kids are going out just as a group of kids together, they should each pay for themselves. I know that's what I did when I was a teenager. I always felt weird even letting someone else's parents buy my dinner if I went with their family and would offer to pay for my own.

 

[Tronesia]

When I was in middle/high school, our parents talked about all the details before we went somewhere. Everyone always had their own money. Now if our moms decided to cook dinner, they would let the other mom know not to worry about food money. When we went to the movies, we each had our own money and never expected another friend to buy something for me.

 

[AnneofAlamo]

Our house perks are earned. Chores etc. I do pay for certain extra things, that are my ideas. They want to go to skating rink, check your funds etc. I don't pay for others entrance unless it is a planned event. What happens is many kids will befriend the kid with money and use them. It is a bad idea to be the banker for a kids bad decisions.
I don't give just in case money.

My teen girls have cleaned houses and babysat to go to a week to visit friends out of state. We send them an envelope with cash to the parents for extras. Talk to them(girls and the parents) prior about what we expect. Curfews, and responsibilities. I have also sent a prepaid debit card for the girls to buy a dinner for the family.
My 2nd teen boy on the other hand isn't going anywhere. He spends his allowance on cokes and snacks. He turns 16 and won't have a driver's license until he has a job to pay for his portion of insurance monthly.
My oldest saved money for his first car and is on his own now. It is hard not to give them everything...very hard!!! But seeing my son independent is worth it!
Now if grandma would stop sending him cash! bhahhahahha

 

[tkradtke]

Thanks everyone, that's what I was thinking too. I have always sent my kids with money. Sometimes parents insist on paying for everything, but I think it's important to offer to pay. Most of the time, if we're taking the kids and a friend to somewhere like the movie that we're going to also, we pay for tickets and we pay for treats. But it's not open ended... it's more like getting everyone a small soda and a large popcorn to share. Now that they're old enough and going out without us and we have no direct control over what is spent, I think it's up to the parents of the friends to decide what is reasonable by what they send along. My husband and I were just were having a slight difference of opinion. He was of the opinion that as long as the kids are our "guests", we should pay. I believe that to an extent, but I don't believe that we should fund every whim to walk to 7-11 for candy or the gallon drum of soda, big box of candy and barrel of popcorn at the theater when they've just had lunch. This week was just our first real experience with this independent teen thing and with the issues I mentioned in the other thread, we were just caught a little unprepared. Thanks again for your input!

 

[tkradtke]

Anne... I really want to implement something like that. I have definitely found that they are much more responsible with their own money than with mine. We do almost always send "just in case" money above what they take of their own money, but they know that if they use it, they pay it back with interest. So far, it's just been my daughter who has owed us $5 after an all day shopping spree that her best friend wanted to go on for her birthday.

I'm going to work on a chore payment plan for the kids. I do think it's important for them to think about their purchases and what is important to them. I remember reading the money section of Love and Logic when my kids were tiny. I thought it was a brilliant idea, but wasn't sure how to implement it since they didn't really *have* to spend money on anything. But now that we're entering the teen years, I get it. There are getting to be more spur of the moment outings where they're on their own and there's not a parent there to pick up their tab. If they can't pay, they probably shouldn't be going. I worry a bit about my son though... he's such a saver that he'll probably become a recluse!

 

[AmyG]

I have a 17 year old and a 7 year old. The 17 year old has a job now and pays for whatever it is he wants to do. If we invite a friend of his to go with us somewhere, like out for dinner to celebrate his birthday, we will pay. It's the same with the 7 year old. If we invite her friends out, for example to the movies, we pay. Her friends have always brought some money with them and if they want something over and beyond popcorn to share and a drink they have the option to use their money. If they didn't bring money, no biggie. I guess the rule is, if we invite, we pay, but extras can be covered with your own money.

El hasn't run into being invited places that she needs to be sent with money, at 7 it's usually just a play date. Down the road, when that starts to happen, I will send her with money. She does chores and I don't mind covering the occasional outing right now. After that, she'll need to save holiday money for her social outings or babysit or find some other way to earn extra spending moola.

I have a feeling this will be a much bigger issue with El than with her brother. He wasn't/isn't a go to the movies or out every weekend kind of kid. He had friends over and they would play video games or some kind of sport in the backyard. He has been out a few weekends lately but he covers it. El is a social butterfly. I think she will be the one more likely to want to go out most weekends when she gets older.

I don't pay the kids for regular chores. I figure, they live here so they should help out. Last summer my son did a lot of extra stuff. He took his sister to the sprinkler park and to the playground and to play tennis several days a week. I did give him a thank you cash gift at the start of the school year. It was a surprise for him. He was really a big help and all without us asking. I do pay for grades starting in 2nd grade. I look at school like it's their "job". They are in a good school district and the teachers expect a lot from them. I only pay for straight "A"s. It's an all or nothing deal. All "A"s or no money. I'm a mean Mom

 

[bestcee]

As a kid, my parents were not great about teaching us about money. We had an allowance sporadically. Whenever my parents dropped me off at a friends house, they would give me money just in case. However, the expectation was if I used it, I better have a good reason, not just sugar. The only money I earned was through babysitting, but I did a lot of farm and house chores. Personally, I liked having the money because on occasion we would do something unexpected. It was nice to feel comfortable that I could pay my way, and I offered to. I don't think I did very often for movies, just if we walked to the store for a treat run.

My just younger brother, on the other hand, my parents wouldn't give money all the time because he always spent it, no matter what. This had been the case with most of my siblings.

Currently, my much younger brother (16) and his friends tend to hang out at my parents house. They will walk to the store and to the pizza buffet place, and either each boy pays his own way, or the other friends will cover with their own money. My parents don't. They provide food at the house, and some snacks. For movies and whatnot the kids bring their own money, but it's arranged my them, not my parents.

Personally, my friends in high school and I all had jobs starting at sixteen, so we always had to pay our own way at that point. Even when I went on vacation for a week with my friends family, the expectation from my parents was I would take my own money. My friends family paid for gas and food and lodging since I was there guest. We learned quickly who never had money, and stopped inviting them because we didn't want to pay their way. It's a lesson that has to be learned at some point.

It sounds like you have great communication with your son, so maybe you can gently open up the lines about mooching, and friendships.