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Children and funerals

Kristine

Kristine

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I need some advice ladies!

My dad's aunt passed away on monday, and the funeral is next week. The kids are coming to the funeral, but SO doesn't think they should. I get the impression that in the UK it's not common to bring the children along, but here it's normal, and I don't see why they shouldn't be there. They are 3 and 7.

The problem, if you can call it that, is that before the funeral they are having an open casket (it will be closed during the ceremony). My youngest won't really understand it I suppose, but my 7 year old really wants to see her before they put the lid on. I guess she is curious, and to be honest I totally understand her, and I have no problems with her being there. SO is really against it, and I'm not sure what to do. Neither of my children were close to my dad's aunt, as she has been sick since before they were born, and she has had dementia for the last few years, so it was difficult for them to talk to her.

So, clever ladies, what would you do?
 
oh i think im with your SO but then im from england,i wouldnt let my children go to a funeral unless it was either me or there dad to be honest and as you say they didnt really know her but its your decision and hope you get to compromise and get it sorted out,sorry to hear about your loss maybe they could just go to the wake then both of you are happy
 
My oldest DD went to an open casket funeral at age 6. She didn't know the person very well and I thought it was a fairly safe way to introduce the whole funeral experience. That said, I did NOT let her go up to the casket for a viewing. So maybe, the compromise is that the kids attend the funeral but don't do a walk past the casket?

I'm sorry for your loss too. {hugs}
 
I'm sorry to hear of your family's loss Kristine.

You know your children best and you know how they are likely to react / feel / behave in that situation. Is your SO worried about their reaction, or just the general idea of children being at a funeral? (It's not that common to see children at funerals here so maybe it's just a strange idea for him to get to grips with!) Laura's suggestion sounds like a good compromise!
 
I see both sides of this issue. If your children can understand whats going on then I suppose it would be alright but if not, and they may be disruptive to the rest, then maybe they shouldn't attend. I had a great aunt that passed and neither of my boys attended at 4 and 5 years old. Mainly because I didn't think they would sit down and be quiet and they really didn't know her...or had even met her so it just was really not necessary for them to be there. I think it all depends on what kind of ceremony too.
 
so sorry for your loss. If it were me i would not bring them. But thats just me.
 
Thanks for the advice ladies! I'm not sure what to do about the open casket, but I am going to bring the kids to the funeral. SO will sit near the back with the youngest so he can take her outside if she won't sit still.

I think your suggestion sounds like a great compromise Laura! At the same time though, DD really wants to "see what a dead person looks like" (her words) and I'm not sure if we should deny her - after all I don't want to make out that death is something horrible that we have to be scared of - even though it kinda is. I'm worried that if I refuse to let her see the open casket that it will send the wrong signals. I know that when I was 8 my grandma died, I was in the room when she passed away and I was also there when they had an open casket. I can't remember being scared or uncomfortable, and I remember my family answering all my questions, which made the whole thing less dramatic.

As for SO, I think it's the idea of kids at a funeral that bothers him, rather than their reaction. He is also worried about the youngest one being disruptive. I suspect he was hoping he'd have to stay home and look after the kids - he really hates going to hospitals, funerals and those kind of things.
 
so sorry about your loss.

my children have been to a few funerals.
it's actually been a great way
to open communication
about what happens after we die.
i've loved those conversations
with my kids.
the 3 year old might be a little young.
but keeping terms simple is the key.

i guess, i'd have to say.
if your SO is really against it.
and your kids weren't that close
to your dads aunt any way.
isn't it better to keep the peace
between you and your beau?

i say choose your battles.
 
Personally I wouldn't take my children to any funeral but that's just how it is around here. It's just not considered appropriate for kids here. However I don't know if that's right or not.
I do think that letting your 7yr old go just so she can see a 'dead person' is kind of gruesome! If she wanted to go to say goodbye then I could understand it better.
 
kristine, i'm so sorry for your loss.

my kiddos, 6 and 3, just went to a funeral recently actually, but it was for a close family friend. only you know what your children are able to handle.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss Kristine.

I think I would keep in mind what kind of ceremony it will be, who is attending and whether or not there will be other young children there.

We attended a wake and funeral last month and decided not to bring our children, who are 4 and 6. It was an open casket and I didn't think they were old enough, and I was also worried about their behavior, as my little one tends to get active and run around when he is bored. It was a funeral for a baby and very upsetting, which was another factor. I'm glad I didn't bring them. The only child in attendance was the baby's sibling.
 
Thanks for the advice again ladies! We are going to bring them (SO is OK with it now), but they will probably only go inside after the casket is closed, as it is only open before the ceremony for a viewing, and closed throughout the ceremony. They will be the only children there I think, because there are no other children on my side of the family. Someone else may bring children I guess, but as she was old I guess most of the people there will be past the young children stage.

I see how going to see a dead person can sound horrible, but at the same time I understand why DD is so curious. This is the first person she has known that has died, apart from my granddad who died when she was 2, but she doesn't remember that. I didn't bring her when my granddad died, but at the time we lived in another country, so it was the travelling that made me not bring her - a lot of people asked where she was as they had assumed she would be going - I guess that's just how it is here. The death was not unexpected, and in many ways my dad's aunt is probably better off now, so I think it will be a nice way to introduce them to the whole funeral experience, like Laura said, as it will be sad but not devestating.

And as Jaque said, we have had some good discussions about death, and what may or may not happen after we die, which has been nice.

To me it is completely natural for children to attend funerals, but to SO it is really strange. I guess I never thought cultural differences would be a factor in our relationship, as Norway and Britain are so similar, but this isn't the first time we disagree on something! I guess the fact that my parents are really liberal (hippe mum;)) and his are pretty conservative doesn't help either:)
 
I'm sorry I'm late to the convo, but I just wanted to say...

We took our boys (10, 7, and 5) to a funeral in Janurary. It was the grandfather of their friends (our neighbors). They knew him and have been to his house for birthday parties and stuff. We thought it was important for our kids to be there for their friends (they were at the funeral) and they also were very curious. I don't think there's anything wrong with having kids at a funeral...as long as there is a lot of communication, which obviously, you've done!
 
I'm sorry for your loss Kristine. I think Kate gave you the best advice. You know your children better than anyone and if you think they can handle it, then follow your heart and do what you think is best.

I will share this - I went to my first funeral at age 14. It was a lady that my mom took care of and we revered as a grandma. We got to the funeral, and I was traumatized by seeing her. Now, I can't even think about her without lying there dead in the casket.
 
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