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#parentfail | Pad Patter 10.15.17

djp332 said:
I've been living with my worst fail for the last 3.5 years and it got terribly bad in the last 3 months.

In 2014, my oldest daughter was married and divorced all within a span of 4 months. Her ex was a cheater, an abuser, a liar. You name it. He took all her money, all the wedding gifts, everything she had that was of any value.

She moved back home. She was supposed to get a full-time job. She got and quit 4 or 5 part-time jobs. She never paid any rent to us. (we had agreed that she would and we would save it for her and give it back if/when she ever moved out). She never bought groceries, or TP, or soaps, or anything. She didn't clean up the backyard after her dog used it as her toilet. I could go on, but I won't.

In August, 3 years after she returned, I finally had enough and told her she had to move out by the end of the month. A week later, my husband and I went to FL on vacation and came home a week later to an empty house. Literally. She and all her stuff and MY LIVING ROOM FURNITURE were gone! When we tried to text her to find out why she said that I said she could have it if she ever moved out. Well, maybe I did, but I guess I never really thought she was going to move. That was the last text we had from her. We don't know where she is. She's not talking to her sister for fear that she will say something to us. All we know is that is safe somewhere (her cousin told us that).

I've cried almost every day since August. At the time, I thought my marriage was over, too, but my husband has finally realized that he was the enabler in allowing Krissy to act like a spoiled teenage even though she is 32 years-old. We are slowing trying to work on our marriage. It's been hard, but we are no longer fighting over her and our home is peaceful again.

Even though I've always said that I wanted her to move out, this was not how it was supposed to happen. She was supposed to be an independent woman, and take care of herself. I really thought I raised both of my daughters that way, but with this one, I really failed.
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Oh Donna, that's tough... I'm glad you are working through your marriage problems, being married is tough hard work sometimes, esp when kid issues come into it. We have my 25yo son and his fiance living with us until they stop studying (next year, counting the days). It is mentalling tiring sometimes but it is good for our youngest to have them around, they include him in most things still.

I have many parenting failures, bad diet habits (my youngest accused his preschool teacher of trying to poison him when she got him to try vegetable soup :duh), forgetting parent student events and being overprotective sometimes or too casual at other times (but this is according to other people - I have learnt to ignore them) - nothing too serious,no long term scarring has occurred (hopefully) Mostly it is just stories that have entered our funny little family history.
 
Biggest parenting fail has to be me belittling myself in front of the girls...now my 10 year thinks she's fat when she's 63lbs!
 
First, my this was almost serious parenting fail. We're Jewish, and on most Friday nights we light the candles for Shabbat. At one point, I was using real shabbat candles, that burn for two hours. After dinner I always moved the candles off the table and over to the kitchen counter, where I figured they were safer.

One night, after dinner, the kids were colouring on the kitchen table, I was sitting on the couch, still in view of the candles and the kids, in our open-concept space. And, not a very big space. All of a sudden I hear a "Daaaadddy, Mooooommmm!" The girls had been arguing with each other. I spoke, without turning my head, "girls, please just work it out yourself."

There was about a 2 second pause, where the world became eerily quite. Then I heard, "No! Mom! Fire!" For some reason a kid had gone into the kitchen and somehow knocked one of the candles over onto a colouring book. I picked up the whole thing, threw it in the kitchen sink and turned on the water. So that was the time my parental negligence nearly burnt down the house.

Now, I just blow the candles out after dinner. I am pretty sure G-d is ok with my safety modifications to Shabbat rules. (Also, we are terrible at following the rules, and don't really do any of the real Shabbat stuff, so, why worry about candle times?)
 
@djp332 I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. First of all, I don't think it is right, or helpful, for you to call your daughter's choices your failure. There are so many factors that influence our lives and how we live them. I am amazed that you and your husband are working on yourselves, and reflecting on how you can deal with this pain, and be the best you can for each other and yourselves.
You aren't alone. Off the top of my head I can think of three other families where parents are looking after kids who are in their 30s and not taking responsibility for their lives. In 2 of them, grandparents have adopted grandkids. Mental health plays a role in all 3 situations. You can't help someone who doesn't want it. You can't hold that burden on you. I hope your daughter realizes how much love you have for her, and she comes around to realize what she needs to do to get her life on track.
 
@djp332 Donna, you have mentioned little bits about your situation before, and I thank you for sharing what you're going through. I hope writing it out helps you heal, even a little. Also, I agree with Julie: you can't blame yourself for her choices. As parents, we make mistakes (that's what this thread is about, of course), but our children make their own choices, which means their lives are theirs and their mistakes are theirs, too. You decided to let her live with you, and that was a kind and caring choice to make as parents. Your daughter is an adult, but even adults need help. She needed shelter--literally and emotionally. You gave her that. You have not failed. She had a place to be safe and to stay away from her ex. And now, she has moved out, even if it didn't go as well as it could have (which is putting it mildly, I know). And you know she's safe--thank goodness the cousin told you. Maybe she needs to cool off. And if I may say, if I were in your shoes, I'd probably need some time to cool off, too.
 
Juliestcyr said:
@djp332 I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. First of all, I don't think it is right, or helpful, for you to call your daughter's choices your failure. There are so many factors that influence our lives and how we live them. I am amazed that you and your husband are working on yourselves, and reflecting on how you can deal with this pain, and be the best you can for each other and yourselves.
You aren't alone. Off the top of my head I can think of three other families where parents are looking after kids who are in their 30s and not taking responsibility for their lives. In 2 of them, grandparents have adopted grandkids. Mental health plays a role in all 3 situations. You can't help someone who doesn't want it. You can't hold that burden on you. I hope your daughter realizes how much love you have for her, and she comes around to realize what she needs to do to get her life on track.
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Thanks for the kind words, and I’m glad your house didn’t burn down! At least there are no kids involved here. A dog was bad enough.
 
Tree City said:
@djp332 Donna, you have mentioned little bits about your situation before, and I thank you for sharing what you're going through. I hope writing it out helps you heal, even a little. Also, I agree with Julie: you can't blame yourself for her choices. As parents, we make mistakes (that's what this thread is about, of course), but our children make their own choices, which means their lives are theirs and their mistakes are theirs, too. You decided to let her live with you, and that was a kind and caring choice to make as parents. Your daughter is an adult, but even adults need help. She needed shelter--literally and emotionally. You gave her that. You have not failed. She had a place to be safe and to stay away from her ex. And now, she has moved out, even if it didn't go as well as it could have (which is putting it mildly, I know). And you know she's safe--thank goodness the cousin told you. Maybe she needs to cool off. And if I may say, if I were in your shoes, I'd probably need some time to cool off, too.
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Yes, it did feel really good getting it out. I also told one of my sisters about the situation just last week.

I’m not looking forward to the holidays at all this year, knowing that I somehow feel responsible for tearing my family apart. I know it’s not all my fault, but you know how Mothers think. It’s always our fault.
 
@djp332 Hugs to you! I'm sorry you have had such a big curveball thrown at you. I am happy for you that she moved out. I know that was starting to wear on you. I'm sorry it came about so badly.
I will share with you: My parents enabled my brother while he was married. They enabled him when he had his first kid, and then his second and the state took them both away. My parents enabled him after his divorce. And through the next marriage and child. And finally, they stopped enabling him. He pulled away and wouldn't talk to them, because he blamed them for his life. But now, he is talking to them. He has been sober for almost 1000 days. He is doing great. It was a long dark road for both of them. As a sibling, I can also tell you about the Christmas' the enabling ruined for me and the other kids. I know my mom went through a lot during the journey, it wasn't easy. I hope you find peace.
 
According to my son, I fail every day because I won't let him play video games daily.
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I think I fail because I can't get him to be confident in himself. And that is affecting school, and friendships, and stuff.
 
Digital hug, @bestcee ! I know you are a great mom, and Matty's gonna figure it out. I think these things just take time. It's so hard. But I know no one could ever find it for me. And I know that I can't find it for Naomi and Ruth.
 
Lol Gotta pay attention with sunscreen! #handprintsummertan
GlazeFamily3 said:
One time I was taking my daughter to my mom's house for a few days. I completely forgot her suitcase... right in the middle of our kitchen floor.
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yep did this with my DS's bag (the baby bag) and realised an hour up the road ( of a 2 hour trip) We bought a bunch of new baby stuff & i have packed mixed bags ever since
 
I have blocked most of them from my mind.... ha ha

So before my son took driver's training, I decided to let him drive the van down the driveway to the garage; the driveway slopes down to the garage. I made one horrible assumption - I assumed he knew about the brakes. He did not. He served to miss the garage and the trees, but turned too much and hit the corner of our neighbor's house. Fortunately, he wasn't moving that fast. He took out their bush, dented a gutter downspout, and hit the brick foundation. No house damage, but a big dent in the van fender. Neighbor was totally cool with it. Husband was not happy....
 
djp332 said:
Even though I've always said that I wanted her to move out, this was not how it was supposed to happen. She was supposed to be an independent woman, and take care of herself. I really thought I raised both of my daughters that way, but with this one, I really failed.
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope time helps your relationship heal a bit.
 
I have a fairly epic Auntie fail...I took my niece, then aged three, to the park. I was pushing her on the swing and despite warnings to hang on tight, she let go just as I gave her a push...she fell off and landed flat on her back on the ground. And I laughed. I couldn't help it. It just came out. I knew she was fine because she landed flat and it wasn't a great height but oh, was she indignant about it. The story was relayed to her parents:

"I went to the park and Auntie Meredith pushed me off the swing."

"Oh no!" says her Dad. "She help you up?"

"No," says my darling niece sadly. "She just laughed."
 
Meredith78 said:
I have a fairly epic Auntie fail...I took my niece, then aged three, to the park. I was pushing her on the swing and despite warnings to hang on tight, she let go just as I gave her a push...she fell off and landed flat on her back on the ground. And I laughed. I couldn't help it. It just came out. I knew she was fine because she landed flat and it wasn't a great height but oh, was she indignant about it. The story was relayed to her parents:

"I went to the park and Auntie Meredith pushed me off the swing."

"Oh no!" says her Dad. "She help you up?"

"No," says my darling niece sadly. "She just laughed."
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My nieces and nephews would tell the same thing on me! Love it!
 
My kid loves to tell his dad on me. Anything and everything that he considers to be me being "bad" - he repeats to his dad later.
"Did you know Mom was mad at you for not filling the water pitcher?"
"Guess what Dad? Mom got mad and threw your laundry on the bed!"
"Hey Dad, Mom was sneaking candy from your church bag today."

Sigh. Luckily his dad always goes: And? Mom's an adult. She's allowed.
 
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