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Teenage drama

rchansen

rchansen

in the sweet tooth recovery program
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Jan 1, 2014
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Need some advice...

I have a 17 year old daughter. She is being harassed at school by a kid she sort of dated for a month or so at the beginning of the school year. The other night her car was egged in the school parking lot while she was at a basketball game. Monday she talked to the principal. He watched video, confirmed it was that kid. Called us and asked if we wanted to press charges. We said no thinking it was just a "kids will be kids" sorta thing and he made a bad decision. Principal had the kid and his parents in...they agreed he would apologize, get a certain amount of days in detention and buy her 10 car washes. Today the principal had the two kids to his office. The kids said he was being forced to apologize but he wasn't sorry. The principal thinks we should reconsider pressing charges.

I think we should talk to the kids parents and see how seriously they are taking it. What would you do?
 
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Wow, ugh, sorry, and hugs!

I would talk to the boys parents and see how receptive they are, like you are thinking. I think I would have another party present. Maybe you could do this with the principal or someone else there, so you have others to back up on what is agreed?

If the parent's aren't receptive, then I would move toward contacting the police. Sadly.
 
I agree with Jenn. Talk with the parent but with the principal or someone there. I know you don't want to involve the police but you don't know to what degree his not being sorry reflects his feelings. And it could turn into he said she said etc.

Meanwhile hugs to you and your daughter. Trust your gut and just hang in there. Prayers and good thoughts.
 
Wow, he actually said he was forced to apologize but wasn't sorry? Yeah, I'd think about pressing charges and getting a restraining order. How can he make better decisions if he doesn't feel remorse for the bad choices he's already made? ("The best apology is changed behavior.")
Hopefully this little dude gets his act together. It's nice to know the principal seems supportive! Hopefully that makes this whole situation easier for your daughter at school.
 
Yuck. Sorry your family is going through this!! :-(
My initial reaction would be to press charges, but since the other 2 people talking to the principal is sort of "hear-say" I'd probably speak to the parents - or could you even speak to the son in their presence? I would think you could tell by him demeanor if he is really sorry or just playing games ...
I hope things get ironed out quickly!! Scary and sad!! Hugs to you all!
 
I have a 17 year old. My vote: go forward with pressing charges. If his parents contact you, tell them the boy retracted his apology in front of the principal. Chances are if the principal is suggesting you press charges, he knows more about this kid. If the principal thought it was a good kid, who made a stupid choice, he probably would have suggested to you to let it go. There is probably more going on that is confidential and the principal can't tell you the other things that the kids is doing to other people. Tell your daughter to not discuss things with friends at school. No need to make even more drama. Handle it with school administration and the police. It could turn into a huge deal with social media. Tell her to never be alone with that kid for her own safety and to be careful around his friends. I'm sorry you are all going through this.
 
I would press charges. When a principal suggests this I'd listen. Kimberly has wise advice.

My granddaughter, during an 8th grade school trip, had 8th grade boys ask her to perform a sex act (bj) while they filmed it on their phones. Quite a few of her girlfriends said not to tell 'in case the boys got into trouble.' She told her father as soon as he picked her up to go home and they reported it to the school. Fortunately, the boys' parents accepted the seriousness of this and no charges were pressed.

But at age 17? I would be worried about what such a boy would do next
 
Press charges. Repentence only comes from pain

Signed,
Mother of 6
 
I agree that if the principal is suggesting that you press charges, he is probably right. Kimberly is spot on, in my opinion. Working with teenagers at a high school every day I see it all the time. Kids learn to play the system and when they don't ever have any real consequences for their actions, they only get worse. Such a tough situation. Sending thoughts and prayers for you and your daughter.
 
This is a hard one and you have gotten good advice here. One thing I would suggest going forward if you need to involve the law, is make sure you talk to your daughter that she doesn't discuss this in school with other peers. Just for her to say 'I'm not free to talk about this'.

((Hugs))
 
AnneofAlamo said:
press charges! as soon as possible and get a paper trail on this kid!
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Sorry, but I have to agree with the above. This kid sounds like trouble or he is headed for trouble. What he really needs is some serious counseling! Find out what the root of his problem really is. He is lashing out at something, and your daughter is the scapegoat right now----but who or what will it be tomorrow???? If he doesn't get help now; you will be visiting him in prison in a few years! There is anger there, and it needs to be dealt with. Teenagers are not bad kids. There is a deep rooted reason for their actions. Believe me----I KNOW! I was one of those troubled kids many many years ago!! That is why when my 16 year old son got in trouble and the cop came to the house and spoke to us, and he wanted to let it go because my son had never done anything bad in the past, I said NO WAY. I want him to have to go through the whole scenario!! He had to go before a judge and it scared the - - - - out of him. Never had a bit of trouble from him after that! Parents need to make their kids face the consequences for what they have done. But most of all, get them help!!!
 
Honestly, since the vandalism was done on school property, why isn't the school pressing charges? I would go ahead with talking with the boy's parents along with the principal and probably the guidance counselor, too. Hopefully the parents will agree with you that this boy needs to be punished; but you just never know. Pressing charges for something like this seems a bit much; however, I wonder too if the principal doesn't know something else that he is actually SUGGESTING it. So, I would go through with pressing charges. It's just so hard to keep our kids safe; and I would want to have as many people watching out for her as possible. That being said...teenage hormones can be crazy as we all know, so I would encourage your daughter to talk to a counselor, too. There may be more going on. Best of luck to you and your family.
 
I would personally want to talk with the parents, preferably in the presence of the principal, to talk about their son's lack of regret. Depending on the meeting, that would determine whether I felt that pressing charges would be a good thing.

Honestly, I'd be afraid of further backlash whether you press charges or not, so you definitely need to counsel your daughter about being aware of her surroundings and to have a plan in action should she find herself in a bad situation.
 
I"ve got nothing to add to what everyone else has said except in a nutshell....there needs to be consequences, more than just saying sorry and a few inconveniences for him. How sad that these things happen. Give your daughter a hug, being harrassed like that.
 
Oldest Sister with 8 siblings perspective:
I'm betting you know about the principal's character a little bit. If not, I bet your daughter does. Kimberley is spot on with her advice. In the many years of my siblings and I being in the school system, only once has a principal suggested to involve the police. all the other trouble (and my brothers were the poster boys in some respects!) the principal tried to come to a solution in the school. Including when my sister was bullied to tears, and skipping school.

There are a lot of factors, and I hate to say it, but I don't know that I would be comfortable approaching the parents. In a playground incident last year, I was shocked at the parents behavior condoning their child. That experience changed my perspective a little about how parents may react. Depending on the laws in your state, 17 is still a juvenile. It shouldn't follow him for life. A paper trail is a good thing in case future incidents happen.
 
Yuck, what a horrid ordeal and situation to deal with.
Sound advice above, all I can do is pray for you for wisdom and no backlash for her. Sadly leopards seldom change their spots and his behaviour is sending up all kinds of red flags.
 
Thanks for all the great advise, ladies.

Update to the story - the boy's father actually called me yesterday. Good guy. He said they are at a loss with what to do for their son. He said e was embarrassed enough about the whole situation to begin with and even more so when his son continued to be a "tool" about the whole thing. He said he was given the opportunity to make things right and apologize, deal with a couple days of in school suspension and pay for five car washes but instead he continued acting out and disrespecting my daughter. He said he didn't want to tell us what to do but said he would like us to reconsider pressing charges. He thinks it may be the only way he learns.

My fear is the kid and his friends retaliating even more against my daughter. I talked to my husband last night and I think I want to call the school today and ask why THEY can't press charges since this was destruction on their property. That takes my daughter out of it and he is still responsible for what he did. Hopefully having to deal with the police would scare the kid.

What do you think?
 
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