Thoughts upon Dad

Made this one for the MOC SCRAP THERAPY challenge. So glad to get those thoughts on paper and done with.



Dad. Dad is really gone. And I don’t know how to deal. Mostly I’m just angry, I\'m not really angry about the past anymore. I\'m old enough to know that addiction is a cruel monster, and once you are there, you just can’t care about anyone else, even your kids. Plus I don’t know how much of it was him & how much of it was mom not wanting him to see me. I will never really know. I am pretty sure he loved me, I just don\'t know if he did when I was a kid. I’m mad at all the wasted years & memories I don’t have. Making pizza & something about cucumbers and eating tuna on the living room floor of grandmas. Other than that it’s a lot of blank spaces and sad tears. Mad that my dream of a normal family died with him. I will never have a good working relationship with my dad. I will never have normal parents. There is no way to fix this and my baby will never have grandparents from my side. I want this cycle to stop and I am terrified and this just makes it official that I will never do better than they did. I am mad that he/we waited so long to get in touch when I was an adult. And when it did finally happen it was all about him. He would ask me to call, but then Id get on the phone and he never wanted to hear about me, and always rushed to get off the phone. It was like he was incredibly nervous & too jittery to talk to me, & even after several years of talking, that never got better, It never got past the making small talk phase. It was like he was waiting for me to yell at him, and Id forgiven it all long ago. I understand. I empathize. But we never got to have any serious talks about anything. I never had a dad to confide in. And I\'m angry about that. I\'m angry at him for not getting over himself and his discomfort and I\'m angry at me for not figuring out how to make it easier for him, and for not forcing myself to call more anyway. I\'m mad he was sick and he didn’t tell me. Chris and Jeb both knew something was wrong and Chris even started to go visit, but turned around and no one even texted me. it Its not fair! I may not be around all the time, but we were both trying to keep in a touch better. I just feel so blindsided I\'m more mad that he was sick and didn\'t go to the damn ER> who does that? someone who dies, thats who. Dammit. I\'m mostly mad that he had this whole other life, that people don\'t seem to know about me. Everyone is commenting on Chris and Jeb's FB pages, so sorry for you & Jeb, or you & Chris will get through it. I feel like because he wasn\'t around when I was a kid, I cant even mourn him like I should. I want to, but I feel like a fraud, and like if I go to the funeral everyone will just look at me like who is that girl and whats she doing here. Like even after hes DEAD I still don\'t count as his kid. And it isn\'t fair. I didn\'t ask f for this. I didn\'t put us here. I don\'t know who did exactly, but I k now I was too young to control this. Why am I still out in the cold? Even after he dies I still don\'t get a daddy?

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