Monsters Inside My Head
- Description
- Silent Battles: Exhaustion - Bundle by Rachel Jefferies and Studio Basic
Silent Battles: Stress - Bundle by Studio Basic and Rachel Jefferies
Itsy Bitsy Alphas vol. 7 by Amy Wolff
RETiRED:
M3 OCt 2017
Secret / Mysterious / Fear - Oct. '17
(Paula Kesselring's Part (the head)
LONG Journal reads:
I have never had troubles sleeping, in fact I use to kid I could sleep standing up. I use to be one of those people who could fall asleep the second her head hit the pillow. Yet for the last couple of months; I have been cursed with laying there staring at the ceiling counting sheep with a billion thoughts racing through my mind.
I feel like a complete and total failure in my life. The world I know has come crashing down around me. I can't hold a job, since being permanently hurt at my precious job. Large bills that I shouldn't even know from my past marriage are now magically appearing on my door step with court orders that make my head spin. My health is an on going battle and with the amount my husband currently makes at his job it is only days before the government decides to no longer extend the covid relieve programs and I will be cut off of the state health insurance I am currently on only because we qualified before covid started.
I know I am clinically depressed. During the day I have little motivation to do much at all. I make my way throughout life just by making the motions of daily life. I feel like a blob and most of the time I am. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed and sometimes I don't. I go a day or two without showering and lay in bed with the dog playing on my phone or iPad napping staring at the wall.
I have friends and they invite me to do things. And I do. I get out; in fact my friend Scott and I get together probably three to four nights a week for dinner. But it gets repetitive. I get burnt out and honestly just don't feel like going, my bedroom snuggling with the dog seems more inviting to me.
Even my own husband has been getting on my nerves. I feel as if he is ignoring me. On his days off he would rather sit and watch YouTube or play on his computer than spend time with me. I am stuck doing nothing. We have plug in WiFi in our home, which means that if one person is on the lap top, the other person has no access to the internet unless they are on their phone. (and trust me my high speed internet runs out early in the month.) So basically you sit around the house bored off your mind. Yes I can scrap. But if Eric is watching foot ball he doesn't want me in the room. (he swears I cruse his team.) So I am stuck laying in bed staring at the ceiling once again. We don't get much time together as it is; my husband and I. Weekends and Mondays are basically the only one and one time we have because he works every other day. I would love some quality time. Is that to much to ask for? Sigh.
My kids are all older now. Bianca is living about 45 minutes away in a near by town. While she is currently driving (which scares the crap out of me!) she doesn't have a car. My car isn't really reliable enough to go pick her up. So I don't get to see her as often as I want. Asia is my sweet but awkward child. She is kind of a loner and prefers to be alone. She is not one of these kids to go out and do things. Asia prefers the comforts of her own bedroom watching Netflix. And Kai is currently away in Florida in a placement getting treatment for his behaviors and we are not sure when he will coming home. I miss him a great deal and while I get to talk to him often it is not the same as having him close by.
My parents are close by and I do try to spend quality time with them as often as I can. Although we are not very close. Same with Eric's mom and step father. Amy, Eric's mother, is super sweet but it is a good 30 minute drive to her house. We get together at least once every few months for dinner and cards and I wish we had a closer relationship but with my care being unreliable I just can't risk breaking down. Same with my own grandmother. I wish I could go visit her in the nursing home more often. I get there as often as I possibly can, but I feel as if it isn't enough. And time is slipping through my fingers. I know she doesn't have much left and one day very soon she will no longer know who I am.
I look at other's people lives and they all seem to have picture perfect life. And I look back at mine and laugh. It seems like no matter when I start getting back on my feet or something starts going right in my life Sh*t hits the fan again. It seems like no matter what I do I will never reach my goals. I will never get that house of my dreams with the giant back yard and pool. I won't be able to take those vacations to the beach like everyone else. Hell I may not even have a working car in the next few weeks. And I am lucky to even finish this scrapbook page without stopping to take breaks because my stupid hand locks up and forces me to quit because I was freaking fried by electricity!
I just sometimes wonder if it would be easier to pack everything up and say F*ck it all and move into a giant cave off the grid somewhere. Hell I would have one great bat cave. *sigh* Life just plain sucks sometimes.