Jan 24 - Scrap Therapy
I haven't had Mum for me when I was growing up. I haven't seen her much, never chatted to her, heard a lot from her about her life, and daily matters, but never sat down & talked to her about my life. I felt upset, hurt, ignored, never quite unloved but not loved either... And any time she did talk to me, it was to pass judgement, to scald, to criticize and to put down. She missed every sports game, theatre performance, music concert or parent - teacher meeting that concerned me, or that I was a part of. She had never known my friends or my worries... I read a LOT to escape... I have learnt to be stronger, be independent, stand for myself, and say no, & at 15 used them all against her, & left the house. I was afraid I was going to become her. She made me cry over the telephone, every time she called, if she didn't, she'd call back. I have learnt to read people, and negotiate, it helped me in future job, and in raising the kids. She talked only in a raised voice. I have learnt to be reserved. She despised my choices in life, I learnt not to ask for advice, but to make sure she was informed about my important steps. She would turn me against Dad by voicing some of the rudest opinions of hers, starting them with "Dad said..." I have learnt to not trust anyone on word, and ask the source before judging. I am glad I grew up with my Mother, as I always had an example of what I never wanted to do, but I knew I'd never have a family of my own. She was violent & explosive... I was afraid it somehow ran in my blood, & that's how I'd treat the others...
When I left the house I felt broken and torn, but then I met John,
and left the country altogether. It took a while to learn self-esteem
and to accept complements, without thinking the other person must
want something from you, because certainly you don't deserve them.
He was gentle, patient but persistent in nurturing me & taking
care of me, listening to me, talking with not at me, & just loving
me without looking back, without holding back either. & then we
had our babies, & he pushed me gently to explore if I could have
my mother back, if we could try again. By then she matured some.
(here goes the backlash of being a young mother, she wanted to be one
by the age she was Grandma.) But it turned out she was not bad at
that. Stupid sometimes, I'd give you that, like that time when she
stayed to babysit for us with our 2 year old, and she let her eat 2
kilos of grapes, and a tin of caviar. Do I need to explain the poor
kid's state after vomiting for hours, and completely dehydrated being
taken to the hospital. I have learnt that if you don't have hands on approach
with something, anything, even bringing up the kids, you can't learn, but also
that you can teach the old dog the new tricks, if you explain it to her simply
just like a child. And then when you see her try her hardest, & be a good Gran
to your kids, you learn to let go, to forgive, & then to care, and even love her
all over again. She was my idol once, I wanted to be just like her in everything
when I was a young child myself. And even though that passed fast, I am happy
to have her in my life & the life of my family. We'll keep it to once a year though.
There is still limit to the patience that I have mustered living with her. & thank
God I still have my Dad and husband and my lovely girls to drive me insane in all the right ways.
One little bird designs& Sahlin Worn collab, Amy Martin Mended Hex machine stitches, Little Butterfly Wings Designs After the rain.
