Broken

Little Butterfly Wings: Feeling Blue
Heather Joyce: The Guy with the Fast Car

My dear sweet little angel, I am writing this to you because I want you to know that I loved you since the very first moment I knew you were growing inside me. I still love you, even if you stopped living and are no longer inside me. My heart still feels heavy and tears come to my eyes every time I think of you.
I was only 17 when I lost you, yet the day lingers in my mind as if it was only yesterday. I remember the tiny hospital room I gave birth to you in and the musky smell it had. I remember the strong perfume that the nurse wore and the sounds of the babies being born in the rooms around us ringing in my ears.
It has been 17 long years now since I held you in my arms for the first and last time. You would be junior in high school now, driving around and looking forward to prom. It is hard to know how many years have gone by without you, and all the moments of your life that I was robbed of. I remember how tiny you were and how ten of your little hands could have fit into mine. Every time I look into the face of one of your siblings, I see you peeking out at me. I still can picture your big chocolate brown eyes and tiny midnight black curls as clear as day; as if I had just lost you yesterday.
That horrible day replays in my head all the time. I remember your last kicks. I remember waking up and knowing you were gone even though you were still inside me. I remember the doctors telling me you were gone, and even though I knew deep down inside I did not want to believe it was true. I remember not wanting to push, wanting to hold you inside of me as long as I could; if even for only a few more minutes.
I went to the lake where you are buried to be as close to you as I could today. Even though I'm sure it looked crazy, I laid down next to you. I could have stayed like that for hours, regardless of the ground being moist from the slushiy rain. What I wanted to do most of all was to hold you in my arms one more time.
I spoke to God, I begged him, I yelled at him, and then I thanked him for the gift of allowing me to have you even for such a short time. I keep thinking that in this there is a bigger lesson that I need to learn. To not take things for granted, to enjoy every present moment, to celebrate Life in every aspect of it and to love with passion, as if every day would be the last. A lesson that somehow God and Life wanted me to learn. A gift so heavy and so hard to forget. But a gift nonetheless.
I miss you so much my Livy... and will every day of my life.