Rememberance

very personal journal reads:
How has 14 years passed by since your birth? How have I lived without having you physically with me? It amazes me that I have. I didn’t want to. I have missed you so much. There is a part of me so deeply empty. It is your space. It never has been filled by anything or anyone. I dream of you my sweet bebita, Oliva. I can still smell the hospital room that I had given birth to you in… the stelie sent of cleaning products. You know you are my first born. That is an honor you will always have. You made me a mother. I wanted to hold you so much, and never let go. But my sweetheart, you know how we spent those months together. They were the sweetest filled with our secret times together! You really enjoyed being nestled way up high under under my ribs! That was your special place for months. I guess you were trying to stay as close to my heart as you could. Did you know your time with me was going to end that 5th day in March? I hoped and prayed until the very last. When you didn’t cry, I thought the doctor could fix it. Surely God would. You never did cry. I was the one who did and for a long time. I still cry. I cry for what we have missed together. I knew you were okay being in Heaven. I wasn’t okay, but that wasn’t your fault or mine. It was just the way it was. I so badly wanted you back so I could change your diapers, feed you, rock you to sleep, and stroll you outside to hear the birds sing. I wanted to show you the flowers blooming that spring. I cried for you. I didn’t know that babies died inside their mommy. I was a senior in high school, one of the brightest in my class and I wasn’t smart enough to know that you might die. All those months I carried you towards life, but that life was not to be with me. Sometimes I am proud you are in Heaven. You are in the best place ever! You got the real deal! What mother wouldn’t want that for her child? You never had to live in this dangerous world. That is some comfort for me. In fact, it is my only comfort. I wonder often what it is like for you in Heaven. Do you see me? I feel like you do. I remember the night you were so close to me. It was the first night it snowed after you were buried. Remember? I cried and wanted to go put a blanket over your grave so you wouldn’t be cold and wet. You scolded me for worrying about you. You wanted me to trust God with your care. It’s me. I just missed doing all of the things a mommy does for her firstborn . I was so ready to be a new mother for the first time! I was so happy and excited about having you, my sweet child. Everything changed in a moment. I turned into a sad lonely mommy without her baby to take care of. Was that bad of me? Should I have been stronger for you? I did trust God to take care of you! God gave me so many mothering instincts that just didn’t disappear because you died. I didn’t know what to do with those instincts. I hope you understand why mommy was so sad. You know, grieving is natural after we lose someone we love so much. It is very hard to do. It has been the hardest thing that I have ever done. I thought I would hurt so deeply forever. I didn’t know that one day, that fresh grief would dim and not hurt as much. I have never forgotten you. I just don’t cry all of the time like I did. I have told your siblings all about you. I wonder if you are still a baby or did you grow in Heaven.. Somehow, when I get there, I believe we can hug and cuddle and love each other with kisses and maybe I can rock you. I’m sure I will recognize you and you me. Then this empty spot in my heart will be filled. Maybe this spot isn’t as empty as I thought. Maybe it does have something in it. It has hope. It has love. My love for you is stored there as well as my hope of one day holding you. God is going to bring me to you. It wouldn’t surprise me if you didn’t already know when. Well, sweet baby of mine, I’m waiting and I’ll be ready. I have been ready for nearly 14 year. No one has ever taken your place. No one ever will. You are my Livy, my very firstborn baby. I cherish you in a very special way because you are my firstborn. Those 32 weeks we were together will always be close to my heart. These past years that I have missed you will be worth it when we are together again in Heaven. Oh, how much I love you!!! You are always forever in my heart!


Credits:

Paislee Press:
Serendipity

Font:
Pea Kari (my personal handwriting)