Trust The Journey: Thrive Bundle by Studio Basic and Rachel Jefferies
(My lesson in love and not taking the little things for granted)
Journal Reads:
Ever since I can remember my grandmother and I have had a very special bond. As a young child I spend nearly every single weekend at her and my grandfather's home growing up as my parent often worked. I have many fond memories of playing cards with my grandparents, staying up late snuggling on their couch watching movies on TV with homemade popcorn we made in a skillet on the stove, helping grandpa make applesauce from scratch, fishing at their cottage, baking with grandma and trips to the local ice cream shop. While the weekend stays died off in my highschool years our connection did not. My grandparents were a huge part of my life. My grandma was one of my closest friends. We spoke daily on the telephone. She was one of the first people I wanted to tell my secrets to. We spoke about nearly everything from the boys I liked to the plays I was trying out for at school. My grandparents made it a must to attend my events such as swim meets and school plays.
As I grew into adulthood things did not change. Grandma was still the one I counted on. If grandma did not hear from me by noon she would swear something was wrong and I even remember one time she sent grandpa all the way from their house about 30 mins away to drive to check on me to make sure I was okay! We got together often for lunches and spoke about our lives. We enjoyed our card games and trips to the ice cream shop. When I got married and had children of my own, grandma was there as my biggest support system. She was there for my every question no matter how dumb or what hour I needed help. And when that first marriage fell apart due to domestic abuse and I fell into 100 pieces she was the first person to help glue them back together. She and grandpa even offered me a place to live when I became homeless.
The summer of 2019 is when things started to come crashing down hill for us. My beloved grandfather passed away. It came as a shock to our family and rocked us hard. It was very soon after that my grandma started showing signs of memory loss. We noticed little signs at first. Slight things such as repeating herself or forgetting where she had left something. But shortly after we moved her out of her home and into an apartment and she tried to make a bag of popcorn leaving it in the microwave for 50 minutes and my aunt caught it, we knew something was seriously wrong. My sweet grandmother, Patrice, was diagnosed with dementia. The dementia was like a black hole slowly robbing her of her memories.
Since her diagnoses we have watched grandma's memory slowly fade away. She has good days when she is with it and talkative and like herself. We are thankful for those days. And then there are those days that are emotionally draining. Days we dread. Days she doesn't remember who we are. Days that break our hearts in two when she doesn't remember that grandpa is gone and she thinks he is just out grocery shopping and will be back soon and we have to break the news to her again that he is not going to come back. It is like watching her heart break all over again. Days you are holding her hand having a conversation and she'll be perfectly following along and with you only to stare off into space and start screaming because she doesn't know who you are the next moment. Days you long to call and talk to her about something like you use to but you can't because she just doesn't know who you are. I was showing her my wedding album the other day with my daughter, Bianca, and I swear we went through the same photos 10 times cause each time we showed her the photos they were "new" to her.
Everyday I watch my grandmother sink deeper and deeper into the black hole that is dementia. It is slowly taking more and more of her away as each day goes by. As I watch her memory slowly fade I have learned how important memories are. How each moment should be cherished for one day they will be gone. To take those photos. Capture those moments. Keep those memories alive for those who no longer can. To make new memories while we can, Even if dementia steals away her abilities and capabilities, it does not take the love. May she always knows how much she is cherished and loved. Even if she doesn't know by who.
I visit grandma as often as I can, almost weekly. I share with her those everyday moments as I always have, hoping for a good day. Once in a blue moon I will see glimices of what once was of my old grams in the shell of the lady in front of me. Other times I hold the hand and care for the woman who took care of me for all those years like the circle of life. Not a day passes where I don't want to pick up the phone and call my grandma and have a long converstation like we use to have. But I have learned to cherish the little moments I have left with her. For every little memory counts. For one day memories will be all we have left as hers fade away.
