Life can be hard, especially for those of us who have a lot of feelings. Emotions are tricky. Sometimes, it’s very difficult to separate what we feel from how we act (or how we should act or how we want to act). Feelings can easily turn into actions and our actions are what people see and what people know. I tell you this not to point out that people are watching. No, that’s not my intention at all. It should never matter whether people are watching. I tell you this because actions speak. They speak loudly. They are how you show people what you feel. With them you can discover connection or build walls. I would love to tell you that as you get older your feelings get easier to manage. In fact, I was about to write that. But, that’s bullshit. Maybe that happens for some people, but it didn’t happen for me. And, you are my daughter. And, in this way, I think we are alike.
This week was a difficult week for me. As a parent, you never want to see your child struggle. But, my friend, you are struggling. While you seem to be okay at home, you are having a lot of feelings at school. And, you are having difficulty managing those feelings. I have some insight here. And, working with your school, my hope is that we can help you to feel confident and empowered in a way that I feel you are missing right now. In the midst of this, I have so many feelings. There is so much anxiety, so much doubt, so much sadness, so much frustration. There is just so much. It is overwhelming. But, it also brings me hope, insight and courage. Because, in my feelings and my actions I gain insight into your feelings and actions. I know it’s hard. It’s hard to feel like you don’t have a place in the world. It’s hard to doubt yourself. It’s hard to put yourself and your feelings in the care of another. It’s hard to feel hurt and fear rejection and see that turn into an anger and resentment that you act on. Because, somehow and somewhere you understand that those feelings aren’t the ones that you should have acted on. So often we allow the feeling of “I care” to become an action based in “I resent” or “I am angry”. It’s confusing. I know.
My Bianca Rose, you are fiercely-willed and beautifully interesting and intensely passionate. All I want for you is to understand that these are gifts. And, they are good. Yes, you are struggling. But, in that struggle is something so beautiful. There is passion.
No, this letter isn’t me telling you that your feelings will get easier to manage. This letter is me telling you feelings are what it’s all about. You will come to understand yourself better. You will gain insight into your feelings, and how they direct your actions. You will try to manage them. Sometimes, you will succeed. Sometimes, you won’t. Through it all, my hope is that you continue to feel. Struggle. Be overwhelmed and see the beauty there. Learn to control yourself and see the beauty there too. As someone recently wrote to me, “God has big plans for you my friend. And God is good, in spite of whatever pain may come– and sometimes its really painful to care. But for me, caring is the only way to live.” That is the truth. It is mine. And, it is yours.
Credits:
Little Butterfly Wings:
Advice to my Younger Self
Brave Alpha
Amy Martin:
They Once Were 3
Heahter Joyce:
The Sharon
Dotcomkari:
Pop it Black and White
