1-11-18 - ON THIS DAY (JOURNALING CHALLENGE)
1. Pick a date/event/holiday and journal about it - at least 150 words.
Credits: lbw_broken wings kit
I picked Mother's Day, May 14, 2017. I picked this date as this is when my life and our family's changed...this is the day my mommy died.
I normally don't like journaling challenges but this one I needed. I wrote this from my point of view as if I were telling my mommy what happened that day. I needed this challenge. I have never really expressed what happened that day to anyone or written it down. I cried the whole time I have been working on this and I have been since 6am CST. I clocked over 1500 words and I will paste it here as it might be hard to read....thank you in advance for reading this.
For clarification:
Kevin is my youngest brother - who is a chef and travels for his company opening up restaurants
Andy is my oldest son
Matt is my youngest son who lives in Chicago
Shelby is my daughter, Joven is her fiancé and my mother and he had a special bond.
Jerry is my husband
Everyone else (my other brother and his wife and son, Kevin's wife and their 2 kids, and Andy's wife) -they weren't named specifically but are in the "EVERYONE"..
**I forgot to add that Matt took the 6am flight out the next day from Chicago. But 98% of the family were there - she was surrounded by love and her family**
Journaling reads:
Mother’s Day, May 14, 2017
If I would have known that this day would forever be etched in my heart as a sad day, I am not sure what I would have done. If I would have known when I blissfully got up that morning and went about my day happily not knowing it would be the last time I would see my mommy, I would have said you all are crazy. If I would have had the slightest inkling when I bounded to the car to drive the 6 minutes to my parents house to celebrate Mother’s Day that it would end in terrible heartache and heartbreak. Still I would have said you all are crazy. NOTHING prepared me for that day. NOTHING.
When you went on Hospice it was mostly to get you the hospital bed and some nursing to help and physical therapy to help with strengthen and balance - if someone would have told us that 6 weeks later you would be gone…you would have slapped them……
We were going to have a nice visit, Andy and Shelby were going to come over and we were going to hang and play cards then the kids were taking me to out to eat…Matthew was going to call from Chicago…
I got there at 3…Daddy met me at the door, worried. He said you hadn’t really woken up from the day before after the nurse had been there and given you the pain meds…I was shocked. He said you have been fitful, but slept on and he didn’t realize that he had slept all night till he got up and you were still out. I totally ran into the bedroom and over the hiss of the oxygen there you were…. kind of sleeping but fitful…. I immediately called the hospice number, called Jerry, Brian and Kevin and called the kids….Andy got there with our dinner. Hospice wasn’t a lot of help but that’s a whole other story. In a few hours I managed to round up my family all except Matt who was freaking out and Kevin who was on a plane to Philly. As the evening progressed you got more and more fitful…having moments of crying out asking for your daddy – I knew then. This was the beginning of the end…but my heart really DID NOT believe it…
I got a hold of Kevin as he landed in St. Louis on his way to catch his next flight and he managed to get switched to another flight to come back to KC. Matt was torn…does he rent a car and drive 8 hours or try to find a flight at the last minute? Hospice said time was nearing -you would be gone before 10pm. No. This cannot be happening. You were FINE 2 days ago -what the hell? I mean the physical therapist was convinced in another week or so you would be walking again with the walker and stuff….this cannot be happening….
I sent Jerry home to get me some clothes and overnight items as I knew I would stay with my daddy…My hubby had been gone for MAYBE 10 minutes and I popped into the bathroom and when I came out, Andy was holding your hand…and he looked at me and with tears streaming he said “Mommy – I don’t feel her breathing”. Everyone just looked at me.
I tried to take your pulse…all I could feel was my own. I tried to feel you breathing and listen but all I could hear was the oxygen tank. Finally I just climbed up on top of the bed and straddled you (not a pretty sight I am sure), I gently pulled aside your shirt and pressed my ear to your chest…nothing. No heartbeat. I think I started crying and sobbing and pretty sure I screamed. Andy handed my phone to me…it was my Jerry. I sobbed that you were gone….he hung up and was on his way. Andy handed me the phone again and it was Matt …I remember screaming in the phone you were gone and then dropping the phone and collapsing. Daddy was so quiet…and for him that was weird…he’s a talker you know… Shelby was hysterical and your beloved Joven had to leave and go outside..
I finally calmed down enough to call the Hospice number again and they lazily sent some one out 45 min. later. – Kevin never made it from St. Louis…he got there an hour after you left us….
Hospice nurse came, officially noted it based on what we said…. 10:05pm. Then she did call the funeral home for us. Then she left. It was all of us…we all took some time to say goodbye…
Then we waited. I stayed in the room with you…. got you dressed - cause you would have been mortified and pissed for the funeral home to see without all your clothes on.
They got there at 1am….and were so gentle with you and everything but I could not watch you be taken to the hearse…Jerry said all the guys stood outside on lining both sides of the sidewalk and watched…. I lost it after they took you….
Mother’s Day, May 14, 2017.
Mother’s Day will never be the same. Ever.
I miss your smile and hugs and you telling me you love me. So much has happened that you would be over the moon and so happy. I have picked up the phone almost daily to try to call you….even to tell you stories of Daddy. I am taking care of him as I promised you…
You would have been pleased at your service…over 75 people came to your memorial service…. the kids sang the two songs you wanted…they cried but they sang it. Andy wrote up something he wanted to share and you would have been tickled and smiling as he read it…
I love you Mommy. I miss you every day – you were my rock and my best friend. My heart is broken and it will take a long, long time to mend if it does.
Mother’s Day, May 14, 2017
Andy wrote this and read it at her service...
“I’m not quite sure what came over me these past few days, but I’ve felt this desire to share a memory of grandma Johnson that has been replaying in my mind since she passed away and it’s one that I got to experience several times over the years.
Grandma Johnson, or as I called her, “Gma J” was always warm, inviting, loving, soft, and easy-going. This memory starts with me pulling into the driveway, and on a nice day, you could see her sitting in her spot at the table. She would give a wave, and grandpa would open the door to let me in. Without fail, I would see that smile and hear “hello sweetie” as I walked into the kitchen and had a seat in my spot. We all had somewhere to sit…mainly on the left side of the table. Grandma took the chair on the right, grandpa in the middle, and me on the left.
I said grandma was easy-going…well, not when it came to cards, especially Canasta. We didn’t need a rulebook, because you played her house rules over there. I tried to explain to her once how the game is actually supposed to be played with the number of people we had at the table…whoops. Her response was “alright”…which I think meant, “that’s nice sweetie, but no.” There was also golf…and the only golf that I am kind of good at.
Most times, she would have the TV on while we played. But she hated commercials. I don’t know another situation I’ve been in where muting commercials was so habitual. And when she was late getting one muted, she would go “Ack”. She would join in on a little fun with grandpa’s hearing…or lack thereof. “Bob”, “Bobby”, “Johnny”, were all names I can hear her saying to get grandpa’s attention. Other times it was “Andrew Wayne” or “Matthew”. A couple times I heard a “Kevin Scott”…and I wondered how I knew your middle name, Uncle Kevin. I think that’s how.
There were the subtle eye rolls when grandpa went on one of his long stories. Sometimes grandma would tell me to move over so she could take out her nerf gun and shoot the window behind me to scare off the birds. I remember another time when we took our dog Harper over to their house. While we were sitting and talking, Harper went over to their green carpet and peed. If you’ve seen that carpet, you know how easy it can be mistaken for grass.
And finally, grandma always made it a point to walk me to the door, give me a hug and a kiss, and a “bye sweetie” and wait for me to drive down the road. As I drive away, grandma and grandpa are waving goodbye. This is the experience at grandmas that I had many times, and it’s the experience that I choose to hold close to my heart. I love you Grandma.”
