So....I have this friend that I don't want to be friend's with anymore. I don't like her life style, she smokes ALOT of pot and drinks a lot and does this around her kids. She doesn't seem to get how this is NOT ok. I also don't like how quick she is to get mad at people and never let it go. I've tried just distancing myself but she texts and messages all the time. Like constantly. I don't answer a lot then she gets all "worried about me" and hurt. See she sees me as her favourite friend in the world but I get so frustrated with how she lives her life and don't want to hear about it anymore. Nothing seems to work and I don't feel comfortable telling her stright out cause I'm a wimp?? Any thoughts?
I don't have advice except that you have to take care of yourself. I don't know how to break up with a friend. Have you been friends for a long time? Can you tell her that you've grown apart? So many things running through my head, but not helpful! This one is tough!
That's a tough one. I had the same problem about a year ago. One of my neighbors was going down the slippery lane and we are a pretty close knit group of neighbors. We were in a WINE weekend out, just girls and we finally confronted her. Let's just say that it was not the best idea after a WINE tour. She still talks to me a bit but she has stopped talking to some of the other neighbors. I can attest that even though our friendship is not good or close any more, she did change her ways because she knew that we wouldn't stir her wrong. So, I guess I am saying that even though we did damage our friendship (again do NOT try this after wine or beer or anything stronger) I think it was a good thing because she took a step to better herself. I miss her though.
I would have said to start ghosting your friend, but it seems that she takes that as a sign that YOU have a problem. It stinks when a relationship grows apart. Is there a way to answer a text if it relates to getting together so you can say "That doesn't work for me. I'll let you know what I have time. I'm just swamped" (or whatever excuse you need). Or you could say "I can't get together anymore. I am having trouble with the smell of smoke when I hang out with you." As far as her texting all the time, what about saying "Sorry, can't chat now. But I'll text when I can! Don't worry--I'm fine but just swamped! " Then just wait as looong as possible before texting back. I'm racking my brain because some magazine (I want to say O or Real Simple) recently had an article about breaking up with a friend. I skimmed it cuz I don't have that issue right now (I'm actually trying to figure out how to make sure a friend of mine doesn't think I'm ghosting her cuz I had to cancel dinner plans--it's the friend I cancelled on over the progressive dinner. I wrote about it awhile ago). Anyway, I feel like that has some actual "from the experts" advice that might help you. Here's a little blurb from Real Simple but it's not the big article I have in mind. Whatever you decide, I'm sure you will be as kind as possible while remembering to be firm (which it sounds like she needs if she freaks out after a few unanswered texts).
That's the thing....I don't want to hurt her. She is a good person inside, but she seems to be falling into a selfish mode. She has a medical prescription for pot and abuses it. It actually worries me that she is ALWAYS stoned with her kids. They are young and I'm terrified something could happen. I've talked to her about it but she gets super defensive and seems to think that having a medical pot card makes it ok?? I want to be kind, I want to help her, but I don't see how I can do that when she refuses to admit there is a problem. I've tried telling her how busy I am but doesn't work. Ugh. I'll check out that link. @Dalis - I would so love to confront her and make her see what she is doing is wrong but if I even broach the subject she is totally up in arms. I love her kids and want them all safe and I want her happy and healthy.....
@chickypow is she married or otherwise with a significant other whom you know well enough to speak with about this? If you see a problem but don't feel comfortable talking with her because she gets defensive, then maybe she needs to hear it from someone else.
What about telling her, that you are taking your family in a new direction, not going to be around drugs and drinking like you used to, might you mind, letting me (you) go thru this alone, i (you) will touch base at times, but you rather not interact very much at this time oh that doesn't sound like what it does in my head @chickypow
Her husband sees nothing wrong at all. It drives me crazy. @Cath_ she knows I really don't like drugs or drinking, especially when kids are involved. She has stopped talking about it mostly.... Sometimes I wonder if I should call social services....but I don't want to put her kids through that, or her. I guess a frank, honest talk is the only answer. I just hope I can do it in a way that doesn't hurt her......ARG. This sucks
Do your kids go to the same school that you could work through the counselor there? It's a good intervention if you're not to the point of CPS.
Nope. Totally different end of town. I guess I need to talk to her and try to make her see.....but I know her well and think she will jump down my throat and be furious. Though maybe that will get me out of the friendship. But I'll still worry about the kids.
I think you might actually be better off taking the concerned friendship way. A light but concerned confrontation. A straight talk similar to Dalis. You do have concerns for her, and I think you would want to be friends, but not with the person she has become currently. Telling her the true feelings that you're uncomfortable that she abuses her prescription and it seems to make her a selfish mother. That sounds super harsh, but it gets it out there. This may distance you, but she might help herself as well. She will be angry, like you said, but then you have the distance you would like, and it could possibly help her. If you are worried about the kids after the talk, then maybe I would contact someone at the school her children go to, like Laura said. Either way, this sounds like such a hard situation. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Hugs.
I actually had to have the medical pot talk with my dad not too long ago. One reason we don't visit my FIL at his house is because he smokes inside (regular cigarettes). My parents take my kids once a month usually for an overnight stay. We went to pick up the kids one day and figured out that my dad was smoking his medical pot in his bathroom. I know he thought it was away from the kids and harmless, and at his own house, etc... but it was filtering throughout the house. I couldn't in good conscious allow my kids to continue going there if he was going to smoke in the house. It was so hard to tell my own dad not to smoke in his own house, and feel like I was punishing him more for pain that isn't his fault. Luckily for me, it went well. My point is... talking is really the best way. You do have to clearly set boundaries though, because it sounds like she doesn't understand that you're wanting those boundaries set, and not "taking the hint".
@klee73010 you have to advocate for your children because no one else will. And since you know your father well, I hope it was easier to speak with him. (Although I wonder what he said to your mom after you left? I bet my dad would say "Who does she think she is?!" to my mom, even as he knows in his heart that what I said was right, and he'll do as I asked. ) Anyway, back to you, miss @chickypow ... You've got some good ideas in here to think about. If you're truly worried about the kids, then, as you've stated, you've got to have some sort of talk with her. Perhaps you could try to remember that if she has such a strong reaction, then it must mean that in some part of her heart and/or brain, she knows you're right... she's just not ready yet to hear it. A vehement reaction means there are feelings to explore, and from what you've said she's not ready to deal with them yet. Perhaps you could even work that into your talk. If you can get her to understand that her anger toward you is misdirected, then maybe she'll start to look more inward and realize you were right (even if she's still mad at you, unfortunately).
This is so hard. I went through it a year ago as I watched a friend going through a tough time but was rejecting any help. I could see depression creeping in but her answer was me. She began dropping her problems on me and then leave and not talk until she needed to dump on me. I finally had to write and tell her I couldn't do it anymore (I had plenty of my own going on). I unfriended her and she responded angrily but I had to take care of myself. In your situation I'd start setting some boundaries like you have about drugs and alcohol, maybe some others slowly. Everyone else has(Have?) some good ideas. the school counselor might be a start, not sure how that works. Take care of you too.
I didn't read the other replies (because I'm lazy), but first if she's smoking pot and her kids are literally right there, call CPS. That is illegal, even in states where it's legal. You can do it anonymously. Secondly, just keep ignoring her, unfriend her from FB (block her if you have to). Maybe send a text that says "look, we need to talk....." and just tell her.
You have a lot of good suggestions here and I hope for her children's sake you find the courage to speak to her honestly. She may go ballistic or you may get through to her but you will have done what you can. She isn't able to be a friend in the impaired condition she's often in. Send her prayers and love too. I recall a friend telling me that her husband finally admitted he liked her 'under the influence' because he could control her more. Then again a lot of men can't deal with this kind of issue so it's easier to ignore and play la la la...nothing wrong...
This is one of those situations that you can't sugar coat. You just need to be honest and tell her about your concerns for her health and that of her children, not to mention your own children, and that if she can't understand your concerns, that it might be best to take a step back from one another for a while. Reiterate that you want to be there for her, but when you see her making choices that are detrimental to not only herself but to others around her, that you can't be silent about it. If you didn't care, you would just drop her and not even address this. I would be careful about contacting the school if you aren't comfortable calling in CPS. Most teachers and counselors are bound my law these days to report illegal activity or situations where the children's safety is at risk. So CPS would likely be called anyway. I think the most important thing for her to know is that you do care about her and your friendship, but that the behavior and habits she has developed is threatening the friendship. You are going to be saying some harsh things from her point of view (but things that need to be said). I read somewhere that for every negative thing that you tell someone, you need ten positive things said to counteract the one negative. So my advice is to make sure that your conversation with her is well peppered with positive statements, affirmations, etc. Finally, people who are hurting and in tough spots come into our lives for a reason . . . well, I believe that anyway. In my faith, I'm taught to love my neighbor as myself. Well, that's easy when your neighbor is someone you love, like a family member or a child or something, but when it's someone who is contentious or causes problems, loving your neighbor becomes a whole lot harder. Really examine yourself to determine if there is something that you've been through, something that you can share with her that could improve her life, and truly think about loving her through these difficult times. I know, I know, easier said than done . . . it's something I struggle with all the time. Sending ((HUGS)) and sorry for the book!
sometimes it sucks being the one who is responsible. plain and simple. you can't have her in your life but you don't want to hurt her...while she hurts you and your kids time and time again. I am sure she has or had some great attributes as a friend, but I hate wearing them, but those big girl panties gotta be put on for this one. Have your hubby next to you when you talk to her, it so helps me!
I went through this with a friend years ago. It's hard to just walk away. I didn't want to hurt her either but she hurt us plenty of times. We tried talking to her about what she was doing to her marriage and her children, not to mention her friendships, but she made other friends that she began frequenting the bars with so that seemed to be okay with her and walking away was the best solution. Two years later she came back asking for forgiveness and ready to put her life back together. It took awhile to trust her again but we seem to be in a good place again. One difference is that our backyards back up to each other and our kids are friends so I was always able to have contact with her kids and while her being out at the bar every night and bringing bar friends home on weekends was not in the best interest of her children, at least they were not in any danger and their dad was always there. Sorry you're going through this. Losing a friend is never fun. And confrontation is tough!!
@chickypow Even though it doesn't exactly answer your question, from the answers in this thread unfortunately you see that your situation is not unusual. Sad sad sad...
