Help...... divorce

Discussion in 'Chatty Pad' started by Roboliver, Aug 25, 2013.

  1. Roboliver

    Roboliver I feel right at home at the Glitter Gulch!

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    Ladies, I know it's no good to air dirty laundry here & I apologize but I really really really need advice from those of you who have been through a divorce.

    Where do I even start????? Been having issues with hubby over his drinking for a long time... on & off but it's been back more lately. Tonight I just discovered that he has been having an affair with someone for 6 or 7 months. He had a one night stand years ago that I forgave him for but there is no way I can forgive this. He's a decent person otherwise & said I can have everything. WHATEVER. I will for sure! But I don't know where to start or what to do. I'm scared!!!!

    Thank you so much! I love this site so much.
     
  2. omuli

    omuli La!La!La! I can't heaaar you!

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    I haven't been through divorce so I can't help you there. But I didn't want to read and run either... so sending you hugs and warm thoughts, I hope everything goes as well as it can. I'm so so sorry for you :(
     
  3. rfeewjlj

    rfeewjlj Only ONE N, people, ONE!

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    Oh Shannon - I'm so so so very sorry this is happening to you. :( I am of no help with advice but I will pray for you. I can't even imagine what you are going thru but here's a virtual hug!!! *HUG*
     
  4. Lynnette

    Lynnette In my life, I've loved them all

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    Oh Shannon - I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. I'm not any help but just want you to know I'm thinking of you and here as a listening ear if you need one. {{HUGS}}
     
  5. LeeAndra

    LeeAndra I'll have the pasta with a side of fingernails

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    Disclaimer: This is not all advice I've had to personally follow, but it does come from other women in similar situations.

    Take pictures of all your property esp. big ticket items e.g furniture, family heirlooms, electronics, etc. If you can, have friends or family members hold onto irreplaceable items for you. Make copies of all your important paperwork. Create a spreadsheet with all the household expenses.

    Open up a bank account in your name only (if you don't already have one), and get your paycheck (if applicable) direct deposited there. Deposit any money that you have -- family inheritance, stocks, bonds, savings accounts, etc. that are just yours -- into that account. Keep a close eye on your joint account (if you have one) to make sure he is not withdrawing large amounts, unexplained amounts are being deposited, etc. I would not pull any money out of your joint account and/or accounts he is also on until after you speak to a lawyer and find out if/when you should do this.

    Change all your passwords for all your Internet log-ins and accounts to something that he will not know or guess.

    Consult a lawyer. Especially if you have children, consult 3-5 of the best lawyers in town so that they cannot represent him. You can always file pro se, but it never hurts to cover all your bases.

    Be as amicable as possible while never letting your guard down. Just because he says now that you can have anything and everything will be fine doesn't mean he won't change his tune once his woman breaks up with him and/or tells him to 'man up' or after he's consulted his own lawyer. Don't send nasty texts or emails to him under any circumstances; these can be used in legal proceedings. Don't let him get under your skin when he either flaunts the affair in your face or calls you a 'homewrecker' for filing to dissolve your marriage; you need to focus on the long-term good over the short-term pain.

    Don't be intimate with him under any circumstances. Especially with a history of cheating, you never know where he's been or who he's been with. You need to make sure you're physically (and emotionally) healthy.

    Draft a short-term and long-term plan esp. if you have children. Where will you live, and how will you pay for it? Are you open to living with family members, friends, or a roommate? Do you need to get a job, take on more hours at your job, or get a second job? Who will take care of your children while you're working? What other immediate expenses will you have, and what things can be put off e.g. repairing your car or taking public transportation vs. buying a car, getting the clothes you already own tailored vs. buying new, etc.?

    Don't beat yourself up if your short-term plan is pretty sucky; that happens. Cheer yourself up with the long-term plan -- where do you want to be a year, 2 years, 3 years from now? Now is the time to follow up any of your postponed dreams -- going back to school, changing careers, moving someplace different.

    Don't talk badly abt the guy esp. to your children or to mutual friends, coworkers, etc. Don't overshare the particulars of the divorce; it will just make you feel worse and no one with any class will probe you for the dirty deets. If they insist on a reason, give them the generic 'growing apart' line and walk away.

    Be okay with being sad sometimes even if this is something you want and something that is for the best. Be okay with missing some things abt him or some memories you shared with him even if your general relationship with him is bad. Be okay with letting go of anything not essential over the course of the divorce being finalized --- volunteering, events with family members --- unless it is something that makes you feel better abt yourself and keeps you sane. Be okay with saying no to people who are well-meaning, but ultimately not helpful during this pivotal time in your life. Be okay with focusing on YOU and not being as great of a friend or family member as you usually are.

    Make a list of the the 10 things you love abt yourself/that make you a good person. Post it on your bathroom mirror, car dashboard, wherever you'll see it multiple times a day. Make yourself read it and BELIEVE it.

    Give yourself a break.
     
  6. carrottop

    carrottop Member

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    Any chance you can do couple's counseling before you go forward with a divorce? I don't know what your situation is or if your dh is willing, but I would suggest this first before you jump ship. I have known people who were on the brink of divorce and couseling made a difference. It will be a drastic change, so if you can repair things instead of having to leave your marriage, I would suggest that.

    However, if you feel you that you must go forward with divorce, start by getting a lawyer you trust, and follow their legal advice. While I haven't been through divorce myself, I've watched three of my brothers deal with it. It can get ugly fast, and a decent lawyer can help you protect your rights and help you as you and your husband divide your assets, and work on the custody of your children. The biggest mistake my brothers made was not getting a lawyer soon enough, and thinking they could just work it out...it always backfired on them.

    Make a plan for where you will live...do you have someone you can stay with, or is your husband moving out? Both of my brothers stayed with friends or family until they were able to figure out the living situation...it's hard to do that sometimes, but it can also be a load off your mind. If your husband moves out, you may need to to work with your lawyer to see if you can legally get the locks changed...you may need to have your husband sign something drawn up by the lawyer stating that he no longer lives there, and you are authorized to change the locks. I would also say that two of you should workout a date for the move out to happen (whether it's you or him), and try to keep that transition as smooth as it possibly can. It's less hard on both of you to set a date for that rather than to just do it whenever...it can drag on and be hard on the whole family.

    Are you working already, or do you need to job hunt? I'd start applying for jobs and asking friends and family or keep their ear to the ground to see if they know someone who is looking to hire. Some of my divorced friends even went to school (or back to school) to improve their earning potential.

    Build a good support system around you and talk often with friends and family. If you go to church, talk to your pastor and see of they can offer you any assistance. Give yourself about a year to process the change and adjust to your new life...maybe get counseling for yourself and the kids. Try to stay as civil as you can with your ex, and speak respectfully of him in front of your children.

    I hope you don't mind that I've chimed in here. I know I haven't gone through this personally, but I have seen the fallout from what happened with my brothers, and hope maybe something I've said will help you avoid some of the pitfalls that befell them. My heart goes out to you.
     
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2013
  7. bcgal00

    bcgal00 Say, "birdseed!"

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    You've gotten some good advice already. I can tell you, having been through a divorce and then a breakup after 7 yrs, that you will survive, you will get thru whatever happens. Don't do anything rash, take you time about deciding what path to follow. Hugs.
     
  8. MissK

    MissK Well-Known Member

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    O sweetie, so sorry to hear that you are going through such rough times. Thinking about you, try to stay strong and think what will be best for you and your kids. Big hug
     
  9. karen perry

    karen perry LOCK THE DOOR!

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    Aww im no help either but sending you all my love and hope things get sorted without getting nasty
     
  10. purlz76

    purlz76 Ags

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    Altho I've been thru a divorce, I doubt I can help much cos I'm on the other side of the world. So not sure if what I went thru applied to you, Shannon.

    But most importantly consult a lawyer on your legal rights re the children, property & assets. Hate to say this but money is power. Once that is securely tucked in your pocket, everything else will move smoothly.

    Then gather as much evidence as you can and document them properly. This applies to the drinking, affairs & your daily expenditure. Or whatever you can use as your triumph card(s) in the divorce proceedings.

    Last but not least, like what Rae said, you will get through all of this. Sending lot of hugs your way.
     
  11. Angie4b1g

    Angie4b1g A hundred jobs but Bob Villa ain't one

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    You've gotten some good advice here. One thing I can say from experience... "you can have everything" will definitely change. Once the power in the relationship starts to shift over to you, which you've started by taking these first steps, he's going to start trying to cling on to whatever sheds of that he can. He'll start picking fights over items he knows mean a lot to you. So, decide what is most important to you that you won't budge on, and what you can let go of to let him 'win' some.

    I was able to do my divorce without a lawyer, because we are both pretty easy going in general. But he still acted like an arse when it came down to splitting up our possessions. I'd have hired a lawyer in a hot second if it truly looked like he was going to give me a hard time, though. And with your dh having a girlfriend, I think it would be best if you got one. She's going to be pushing his buttons and trying to make it as miserable for you as she can.
     
  12. heathergw

    heathergw Singing in the Neil mobile

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    I have no advice, but sending you (((hugs)))
     
  13. staciahall

    staciahall Quidditch, anyone?

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    You've gotten some pretty good advice here. I'm not sure I'll be able to add much. I did go through a divorce about 10 years ago. It was fairly amicable. I also heard the "Take everything" line but that too became not as friendly later. We used one attorney (mine) and that did turn out to my benefit, thinking back on it later. We made a spreadsheet with all our accounts and assets and credit cards on it and decided ourselves how that was going to be split. The attorney was able to help with suggestions for the kids visiting him and also set down the amount of child support. (I'm glad it wasn't me on that one!) Once he heard how much child support was he wasn't nearly as nice to deal with. I agree to not share details of anything with anyone other than your closest friends and to never speak ill of him in front of children. I still don't. Your close friends and family will help you get through it, so lean on them. It's okay to cry sometimes, it is grieving over something that ended. It was terrifying at first, wondering how I was going to be able to pay for that house and kids stuff on what I made but set a budget and tracked my expenses to know where I spent money so that I could watch it carefully. For me, knowledge about the scary stuff like money was power.

    I can say that I lived through it. My kids are 22 and 19. Neither one of them really has any memories of when he lived with us. That was a little disconcerting because I stayed with him for a while for their benefit and they don't really remember it. They are pretty darn well adjusted kids in college/grad school. I still have a house and I still watch the money very carefully after all these years so it doesn't have the power to scare me anymore. I am happier now than I was then, so much happier. No worrying about what he might say or do, drinking etc.

    You deserve to be happy. I know it's scary to think about doing this but you can get through it. I've found that it's easier to be alone by myself than it was to be alone with someone else (because I truly was alone). I would recommend at least seeing a counselor to help yourself deal with your children. That helped me immensely to know what to say and what not to so that they got through it the best that they could.

    I hope this helps a little. One legal bit of advice that I'd suggest is to go as far out with your monetary requests as possible. For example, child support until they finish high school if they turn 18 in the middle of their senior year. Specific requests for college expenses, etc that are written in your divorce decree. You can always ask for it, but it will be difficult later to change it.
     
  14. emmasmom

    emmasmom emmasmom

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    I just wanted to say I'm sorry and offer you a big hug :beat
     
  15. kim21673

    kim21673 I'm slowly getting there!

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    I just want to chime in and say that I am sending big hugs your way.
     
  16. charmedeebob

    charmedeebob Heather's Team

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    no advice here, but sending you a hug Shannon!!
     
  17. liahra

    liahra Active Member

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    oh, my. i'm so sorry you have to go through this. sending you loads and loads of hugs and comfort! stay strong :beat
     
  18. mishou

    mishou mishou

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    no advice here either but so sad to hear you're going through this and just wanted to give you a {{{{hug}}} shannon. :( xoxo
     
  19. nativescrapper

    nativescrapper nativescrapper

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    So sorry you have to go thru this, Shannon. (((hugs)) I went thru the same situation you are going thru. My ex use to drink a lot, and then he did the cheating, and I got the physical and verbal abuse from it.

    I know your feelings are all messed up right now, thinking about what I did wrong, what I could of done different, maybe if I said this to him or did this for him..... I wouldn't be in this divorce proceedings. But I can tell you that you don't deserve to be treated like this, no one does. When its all done, you will be stronger and you will move forward and leave all the bad things behind. It will take steps but you can do it.

    All the girls gave you really good advices (don't have any to add at the time.) But you stay strong and if you need to talk we are all here or you can even PM too :)
     
  20. MandaKay

    MandaKay Loyal as they come.

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    I am so sorry to hear this. :( Makes me so sad. Hate to see people split apart. I would definitely FIRST try counseling - even if you are going to divorce in the end - I think it can help a ton prior to the actual proceedings! Secondly...in Dave Ramsey's word...divorce is one big huge business transaction...with lots of emotions. That wasn't technically advice, but just a word of warning/preparation. I will say a prayer for your situation - I can't imagine how difficult a decision that would be.
     

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