I just turned 41, and NOW James starts talking about *maybe* wanting another baby. Frankly, the thought of getting pregnant now kinda scares me. Has anyone had a pregnancy over 40? Was it harder than earlier pregnancies?
I didn't get pregnant at 41, but we decided to adopt a daughter then. We have 2 biological sons. We finally got her when I was 43 and she was almost 2 years old. She had sleep issues so it was almost like having a newborn in many ways. Interesting, as my husband put it, I went through all the "emotions of being pregnant while keeping her girlish figure. The only pain was felt in dad's back side near where he keeps his wallet." You are only as old as you feel on the inside. I am 23 years younger on the inside than the outside. If your in good health, go for it.
I was just a few months short of 40 when my youngest was born. The pregnancy itself wasn't any harder than the two I had when I was younger. I think maybe towards the end I was more tired because I was still working full time. The biggest difference was all the tests I had to go through because I was considered "high risk". After he was born, I did get a lot of "Is he YOURS?" comments , and I am always the oldest mom at every event, but that doesn't bother me. I'm also in a much better place in life than I was when I was younger and I have enjoyed him so much! I have one friend who didn't have her first until after 40, and now has two. I agree with Bev, if you're in good health and that's what you both want, go for it
oooooooooooooooh I am almost 54, and have an 8, 9 and 11 year old! woo hooo...I get called grandma all the time, but the happy in our house is worth it all! LIke Bev, mine are thru adoption, as I have never been pregnant. I can't speak for the body changes, but I can woot and woot some more about a family late in life1!
My grandmother had my dad at 42 and then her husband died two years later. Her oldest kids were already married and had kids, so they kind of raised my dad. My mother had my youngest brother at 40. He's still the baby and has never grown up. My BFF had her daughter at 40. Her other kids were 10, 13, and 16. She and her husband tried and tried for years to have that baby and they have loved every minute of it. She's now 17. Personally, I think I would have died if I was pregnant at 40. I think I'm just not cut out to be the mothering type. Sure, I love my daughters, but I also love my freedom. (I'm still not happy about having my oldest daughter moving back home after her divorce). Sorry, Tiff, that was probably too much information.
No, not too much info! I love mothering stories. I definitely feel younger than I am, and I wouldn't say I'm unhealthy but not in great shape either. But it is really inspirational to hear about "older" mothers! Before I had Miller, I had this I want a baby, I want a baby biological clock thing going on. It has simply never come back. Without that drive, I can't really say whether I want a baby or don't want a baby. James was always tended toward, is it the right time? How are we financially? I always thought: What does it matter if it is the right time or not? How do finances matter, if you WANT a baby you just WANT a baby. To be honest ... James has had several co-workers take their 6 weeks family leave after their wives had babies. Part of me thinks he might just want to his chance at 6 weeks off work! LOL!
I know I couldn't. (Well, I could, but I wouldn't be happy about it at first!) That sounds super harsh. I love my kids, am fortunate to have them, grateful for them every day and wouldn't change anything. That makes me sound so selfish. I'm turning 42 soon, so I'm near you in age. I wasn't even sure that I wanted my second, until I woke up one day and thought yup, I AM ready. Shayne, my oldest is 3.5 years apart, from my youngest, Colin. Just old enough to start helping, lol! I'm not ready to go backwards in my mind, and I didn't like the baby stages . My pregnancies were ok, I was on medications, got very sick, and had PPD, but all in all, it could have been so much worse. I have moved on from the baby stages and LOVE the current stage we are in now. The interactions, the adventures, the conversations, all of it. I just can't imagine doing it all over again. I seem to be the oddball, but I instantly groan!
As much as I adore babies, there is a lot to be said for when your kids are grown and gone and you get grandbabies. They are WAY better than kids. My younger daughter moved out when she was 19 and I was 44. I had my first grandbaby by age 46. I cannot imagine having kids at 40+. My grandmother had my aunt late in life (I can't remember the age but her other kids were 15 and older). She was a terrible grandmother b/c she had her own little one only 4 years older than me. If you decide to do it I will cheer you on, though. Better you than me! All of the above said, if I had ended up pregnant at 42 I would have been happy and never looked back.
Yes. Grandbabies are the best. I had my daughter when I was 18. I met Tim, and we got married when I was 36. Everyone asked if we were going to have a baby together. I was like, "Hell no!" LOL. In reality, I would have loved to have had the experience of having a baby and sharing all of those moments of parenting in a loving relationship, but that wasn't in the cards for me when I was younger, and by the time Jessica was older and I was with Tim, I didn't want to start over. I wanted to do things that I'd put off when I was a single mom. And then I ended up being a grandma at 40. LOL. So it is kind of like having a baby at 40, but I didn't go through the labor. Since they live with us, it is hard. I'm tired. I wouldn't change it for the world, but it is draining. Granted, Kennedy has ADHD, sensory processing issues and anxiety, and I have a chronic pain/brain disorder and fibro, so it is just a hot mess, and even if I wasn't a grandma, I would be drained anyway. My mom had my sister when she was 40. We were pregnant at the same time (the girls are 2 months apart). My mom was excited. She didn't have any health problems. Like Mary said though, my mom wasn't a very good grandma because she had her own kids. She didn't really want to help out with Jessica, and the girls are more like sisters than me and my sister are. And it is kind of the same thing with Jessica's dad. Jessica's biological dad and his wife had their last little guy at 42. They didn't have any problems, but they don't really act as grandparents because Jessica's little brothers are 8 & 4 now, and Kennedy falls right in-between them at 6. That is quite alright with me though because then I don't have to share Kennedy with them. A few girls I went to school with had kids at 40-ish. It seems like it isn't such a big deal now with the medical technology and greater health awareness.
It recently occurred to me that if Miller didn't have children until he was 40, I wouldn't be a grandmother until I am nearly 75. My grandparents probably became grandparents in their late 40s or early 50s.
It's also not just about having the child late in life, it's about how old you will be as they grow also. You may have the energy for a baby now but do you want to have a teenager at 55. Maybe you do, and that's ok too. My sister and her second husband thought very seriously about having a child together. She was 39 and he was 48. They finally decided against because they looked ahead to those eventual years. Now they enjoy the grand kids of their children from the previous marriages. My sister was able to retire at fifty five when her older husband retired and they just enjoy the road trips to visit grandkids, are able to help out their own kids, etc. Just my two cents.
I will add another thought for you to think about. Not sure the age of your son, but he seems to at least be at an age where he's able to do things for himself. I am 32 and my daughter is 8 (6 years older than my son). I was really excited to have a new baby but did not give it too much thought about what it'd be like starting all over with a baby. My pregnancy the 2nd time around was not a walk in the park (end up getting sick towards the end) and overall, I feel way more run down now chasing after a toddler than I did at 24 ( and ohhh...I totally forgot I would be giving up sleep for the next 2 years). Going through teething and rounds of multiple vaccinations had me nervous all over again. I just think you have to do what feels right for you and your family. We discussed it with our daughter first to see how she'd feel and it has been a welcome change for the 3 us watching our little guy growing up.
@Tiff Tiffany, I can't speak for having kids "later in life" cuz I was done before I was 30. I have friends who had their first around 35 and second at 39/40, and I have a friend in her 40s whose fourth was born when her kids were 14, 11, and 8. She fully admits "he was a surprise" but she also says "having him has made my kids so much more kind and caring because they have loved helping with 'their' baby." My point is this: your age is less important than your mindset: forget "do you want a baby?" and ask yourself "do you NEED a baby?"--meaning, do you think about a baby every once in awhile, or as a need that you feel deep in your bones? (Well, health is important too, but I think that's already been established. ) Having said that, I'm kind of like @Tronesia in that my kids are 4.5 years apart. DD was potty trained, getting her own breakfast, dressing herself, and was going to start Kindy the next school year (so I would have had time to myself and perhaps even have picked up a little part-time job!). You've got kids, so I don't have to explain the freedom that comes from NOT having a baby stuck in your arms 24/7 (DD never took a bottle. Never. Not once.) I mean, it was basically starting over. We had to get a new crib (DD's had been recalled so we returned it for a gift card to the store); new car seat; practically all new toys cuz we only had like 2 baby toys; all new clothes; etc. Plus I had a tough pregnancy and, for my last month and a half of it, I was on bed rest with the exception of bringing DD to/from preschool. Oh, and we lived 1,300 miles from all family (you know, the people who'd be able to help with DD while I was on bed rest, or to help once DS was born). And now, with an almost 9yo and a 4yo, I have been able to have a tiny bit of time to myself again. It's fantastic. I can't imagine having another baby now, and having to wait until I have a 14yo and 9yo and 4yo before I have time to myself again? No. I mean, having to take a shower every other day, trying to remember the last time I brushed my teeth, and starting to think that throwing myself out of a moving vehicle is a good idea if it means a night in the hospital by myself? Nope, no thanks. I love my kids. LOVE them. But I also love myself, and I need to start thinking about me again. It wouldn't matter if I were 20, 30, or 40 when I had my first baby: I'm sure I'd feel that way no matter my age. The only difference for me would be my energy level, and it's only gone downhill as I've aged. But I'm not you. I can only speak about me and my experiences. I'm a big believer in being happy for people and their life choices, so if you announced tomorrow that you're pregnant, I'd say "YEA!" and do a happy dance for you. Because only you know what's best for you. And with a baby, only you and your husband can decide what's best for your family. Now I'm going to enjoy the fact my kids are playing together happily (unlike yesterday) and I'm gonna have another cup of coffee.
snort, yeah the baby part to me is easy, the teen, tween part is so draining on my energy and pocket book! lol 6 weeks off from work would not be enough for me to have more children! hahah I love having a housefull, but I am done now, and can NOT wait for the grandbabies. but one upside to having adult kids and littles, my big kids will take my littles for days at a time, to stay with them. THey come home exhausted and happy! hahah
I just wanted to say... I meant that I was groaning for myself, thinking of me pregnant. I didn't mean to say you shouldn't do what is right for you, your family! Do what you want to do and cater to your needs, wants and family! It will only make you happy. I think I came across the wrong way after I re-read my post.
I'll see if I can get my mom to chime @momofthehour. I'm the oldest of 10. The pregnancy baby is 18 years younger than me, and mom had him at 38. Then adopted 3 more. At 44.5 she got a newborn and a 3.5 year old. Then at 54 she got another newborn. My son is older than my youngest sibling by almost 3 years. My mom is a great grandparent. Having the other little kids around means she has a lot of great and fun toys. She bakes with the kids, and spoils them. She has sleepovers. Today we are heading to the water park with all the grandkids, and her youngest 3 kids. My son loves the differences between my husband's mom who is 10 years older, and usually has him over for a sleepover alone, and my mom where there's always people to play with. As an older sibling, I've had the Littles (from the one 10 years younger than me down) spend the night, and taken them on adventures (including Disneyland).
My mom had me at 17. My siblings and I are a couple years apart, my youngest sister (kylee) is 8 years younger than me. My mom got her tubes tied after kylee was born, and later had a hysterectomy also... no more for her. At the time, she said she couldn't afford any more babies, had 4, thought it would be fine. My stepsister (lives elsewhere) was first to have a baby, but not here to be spoiled as much. My brother followed the following year, then me (twice), then Kylee twice. My parents love love love being grandparents. My mom is now 47, my step-dad is 61. While they love being grandparents to the 5 grandkids here, they are considering fostering/adopting a baby(ies). I can't say whether or not they would get pregnant again if it were possible, but one reason my mom shared with me about adding more babies and "starting over" had to do with being able to enforce her own parenting style, where it may be different than mine or my siblings. My initial reaction when she told me she was considering it was "just take ours more often!" But when she explained that one reason (I'm sure she has more), it made sense... though I don't think I would consider them my siblings if she did... it would be like the other cousins... anyway. My two are finally able to do the morning routine and evening routine things on their own. I am itching to make a decision about one more... I think I want one more, husband agrees with maybe, bit we have some goals first... like not living quite so paycheck to paycheck style, and a plan for paying for 3 in day care.... and I made this plan to run a half marathon, so I can't get pregnant right now, and when I'm done, do I really really really want to give up my selfish me-time all over again? I'm only 30... I wanted to be done by 30 because I wanted to enjoy time when they were grown, and theven longer I postpone another, the longer before I am done... but I'm just not sure I feel like our family is 100% complete yet. All of that novel to basically say: It's such a hard and personal decision... what's right for you and your family is not necessarily right for others and vice versa. Healthwise... there are more risks with being older, but it's not impossible. You have to know yourself and your doctor could probably give you some advice. I will say, find a doctor that is helpful and not judgemental of your choices... Okay, the end of my book.
Because of fertility issues, I had my kids at 36 and 39, and although I am usually the oldest mom at various school events, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Sure, I'm probably a little more tired than the younger moms, but that's a small price to pay for the joy of my children. I would have loved to have more children, but it wasn't meant to be for us.
Hugs! I too struggled through fertility treatments for several years before my two, which also adds a layer to the "do you want another" question for our family. Do we want to struggle through that again? How many rounds before we say we're done?
Thank you so much for the replies and the discussion! It is so interesting reading so many different stories. I suggested to my husband we "roll the dice" for a month or two and just let fate decide, but he found that solution to be very unsatisfying. He really wants to make a decision. On the other hand, I tend to think that babies often come from no decision making at all, and they end up being a blessing. Sometimes you make a decision but it isn't in the cards. I find the entire concept of truly "deciding" to be a somewhat fantasy. Earlier in life when I "felt my biological clock ticking" I didn't feel like it was through some decision making on my part. It just was.
