23 years of heart break

Discussion in 'Chatty Pad' started by dotcomkari, Mar 5, 2023.

  1. dotcomkari

    dotcomkari The Deaf Superstar

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    Today marks 23 years since I first held my daughter for the first time and also the day we said our good bye. I was a senior in high school 17 years of age when my sweet Olivia Katherine was born still on that freezing cold March day. I remember it still like it was yesterday. The smell of that corner room. The cold chill in the air. Trying to hold her in for one more moment and not wanting to push. Hearing the babies cry around me but no sound from her perfect lips. The tiny black curls that surrounded her face and those giant chocolate brown eyes she had behind the lids. It wasn't fair she was gone before we ever had the chance to meet.
    Pieces of her still are here with me everyday...and not a moment passes where she is not with me somehow .. she will always be my first. Be my guardian angel.
    Today is always the hardest day of the year for me. I am normally a walking shell of my normal self. It has gotten easier as the years have passed.. as time has gone on... but I always try not to book too many things
    Well today I was suppose to have orientation for my new job. Luckily as I got there and walked in my boss called. She got covid and had to cancel. Thankfully she still paid me as I was already there .. but I wasn't emotionally there.
    So it gave me time to go buy some flowers and take the drive out to my grandparents cottage on the lake and spend a good hour alone by the lake with my Livy. Just the two if us. I left her flowers and laid by where she rests for awhile and watched the waves on the lake.
    I than stopped by and left a few flowers for my grandfather on his grave
    My uncle (dad's oldest brother) died unexpectedly last week . He had just gotten back from Mexico last month and fell sick with a lung infection and spent a month in icu. They couldn't find what was making him so sick and he didn't make it. His celebration of life happened to be..of all days today too. Talk about crappy luck. So my loving husband took me to that to be with family. It was nice to see family from my dad's side I haven't seen in years. Oddly enough Eric's mom and step dad also were there because they knew my uncle from the band core he ran from many years his sisters were a part of (Eric's sisters). So we had a lot of support. And well free dinner at the service wasn't bad either so can't complain. Although seeing my dad and his siblings in so much pain broke my heart and of course my aunt who lost her husband of so many years and my cousins who lost there father.
    What a day. I'm off to bed to snuggle Neelix as I'm so emotionally drained and my eyes hurt from tears..and. my heart hurts

    Everyday your in my thoughts,
    every moment your in my heart
    and every second I am missing you...
     
  2. umyesh

    umyesh President of the Hangry Ladies Supper Club

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    This is beautiful Kari. You always write everything so well. I’m sorry this day is always so hard for you. Sending you virtual hugs.
     
  3. bonnenuit

    bonnenuit Why do I always have to be Captain?

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    ((((Hugs!)))) That was a lot to deal with on one day. Sending you positive thoughts for tonight's sleep to bring you a more peaceful morning.
     
  4. tjscraps

    tjscraps Tomorrow I'll do what I want to do

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    Big hugs to you - that is a lot to do emotionally all in one day. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
     
  5. bcgal00

    bcgal00 Say, "birdseed!"

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    Hugs. Loss is hard.
     
  6. gonewiththewind

    gonewiththewind I choose joy.

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    Thank you for sharing your heart. Even with your words explaining the loss, it's still unimaginable to me. Praying for your heart and sending you loads of love and hugs.
     
  7. StefanieS

    StefanieS Think it over, think it under

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    Sorry for your loss, my daughter died on Christmas Eve 28 years ago. I feel your feels.
     
  8. cfile

    cfile My bags are packed for Platform 9 3/4

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    So sorry for your loss. Sending hugs.
     
  9. ninigoesdigi

    ninigoesdigi Designer

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    There will never be good enough words to make you feel better but all I can see here is that she sent you a little sign from up there. I'm sorry your boss got COVID of course and I sure hope she feel better soon but of all days... it feels like somebody had a say in it and got you that super hard day off, no? And paid nonetheless :giggle:
    The light she brought to this world, to your world, was too short but I want to believe that from time to time, when she feels you need it, she shines it a little more to keep you going ;)

    I'm very sorry for your recent loss too. My deepest condoleances.
     
  10. Karen

    Karen Wiggle it, just a little bit!

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    What a beautiful remembrance of your daughter. I'm glad you were able to spend some time alone just remembering her. Sorry that you also had to spend the day at a funeral, but I'm so glad your husband was able to go with you and that you could be around family. Hugs to you!
     
  11. jk703

    jk703 CEO of Anything and Everything, Everywhere

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    Many hugs, Kari. My heart goes out to you.
     
  12. mary kate

    mary kate Well-Known Member

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    You write so beautifully about the loss of your daughter. Sending hugs.
     
  13. Angela Toucan

    Angela Toucan I keep looking for THAT wardrobe

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    bless you. I held my first born son, who was also born sleeping, 21 years ago.
     
    LynnG likes this.
  14. HeatherB

    HeatherB Ain't nothin wrong with a few dust bunnies!

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    Loss is hard and having so much on the same day, sending you hugs!
     
  15. Laura ODonnell

    Laura ODonnell Well-Known Member

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  16. sharonb

    sharonb Cher Memere

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    Sending hugs (())
     
  17. Scrapping with Liz

    Scrapping with Liz Crafts for days.

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    I'm so sorry, Kari. I can't imagine the loss.
     
  18. norton94

    norton94 Thank goodness I'm still a Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. Your words are beautiful. Loss is so very hard. There are no words and no explanations that can make this better or ok. (((Hugs)))
     
  19. G.J.

    G.J. If I Could Turn Back Time

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    Oh my dear, I'm so sorry for your loss, my deepest condolences. Sending lots of love
     
  20. LivyBug

    LivyBug I should be considered yarned and dangerous.

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    Sending so much love.
     

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