@AJK Amanda, I am sorry to read of the pain you have experienced. I know the kind of pain you are experiencing. May the Lord give you peace and comfort.
So sorry to read of this. My heart hurts for you all too. And I thought little children were tough, older children can be so much tougher. Friends help though, sharing and finding support in an awesome community like this must help too.
Big hugs.. all families I think have some issues... I pray that things all work out for you @AJK , and everyone else having issues. Never easy for sure.
Relationships are so hard with grown children. I also have a strained relationship with my son and daughter-in-law but I recently realized they make their choices and I make mine. I can't make them live their life like I want so I decided to move on. I was extremely hurt when I see pictures on Facebook from where they had birthday celebrations but did not invite my husband and me. I decided at the beginning of this year that I would take the kids (5 of them) birthday gifts as close to their birthdays regardless if I was invited or not (and have already walked in on friends being there for a birthday meal). I see the kids; play with them a little and then go home. I can't change their decisions so I move on. It still hurts but I can't live my life on decisions others make.
I'm so sorry Amanda. I hope that you are still able to see your new grandchild as soon as possible. I agree with Sherri, MIL - DIL relationships are tough. I think it's a lot easier to hurt feelings there whether intentionally or not. I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL, but reading all these replies, made me realize that we probably don't involve either set of grandparents as much as we could. I was just texting with my Dad about figuring out birthday celebrations for my son and hubby (both have a birthday on Sunday) and I have been so incredibly busy for the last three weeks straight that I was considering just hermitting up at home for the weekend, but they both want to be involved, so we are going to throw a small lunch party so everyone can come over and be involved. I know it'll be fun, but it adds cleaning and cooking to my already overflowing plate and I just need a minute of free time. I've been feeling quite overwhelmed with too much on my plate lately. Then I feel guilty when I look at my calendar with my hubby trying to figure out when to see both sets of grandparents and there's no time. Life ends up being a crazy balancing act sometimes. When I was pregnant with my first baby, my MIL desperately wanted to be in the room when he was born. She never really begged or made me feel guilty, but we all knew she'd love to be there. I really just wanted it to be my hubby and I, so at least I wasn't having my Mom there and not MIL, but still, I know she would have loved to be there and we didn't let her. I was in labor for 39 hours and she was going crazy wanting to meet her first grandchild. It was really sweet though. We was basically circling the hospital for almost two days waiting to be let in after they cleaned me up. We still tease her about that. Anyway, I hope that maybe your DIL has a lot on her plate/mind and isn't trying to be excluding of you, but just isn't thinking about how it affects you to be left out, when her Mom is included. I think it's certainly healthy of you to say no to cleaning her house (can't believe she asked!!) and be helpful when it works for you with the kids, but not to put your life on hold waiting to be included. Ok, I wrote a book. This just hurt my heart for you and I wanna send hugs most of all.
Jan @IntenseMagic You are right! I keep telling them this is my first rodeo as an inlaw, and then tell myself the same about DIL. At the end of this day, they will have TWO sons, so she will have two DIL's- ROFL!!!!!! Maybe I am her training ground? Better pray I do this right, then!! @bestcee THANKS! No, the hospital thing is their idea. They want *private time (Mom, Dad, baby) and *immediate family time ( add the two older sibs). I completely accept that, even though for generations the birth of a baby has been an all in the family event. This generation has some neat ideas and some wack ones. But I can live with this idea- we were told last night we could come up after the first two criteria* were met, which is a turn in a good direction. @gonewiththewind LOL. We NEVER go there unannounced. The one time we did- which was to apologize for not realizing the amount of stress our DIL was feeling- we were screamed at and had things thrown at us and pushed out of the house in front of the grandkids. It was horrible. We later learned the root of her stress, and it was quite valid and understandable- it related to a traumatic life event she was having to face. :/ But that has not happened again and things are better the past two years. @weaselwatchr LOVE that gif!
"I think it's certainly healthy of you to say no to cleaning her house (can't believe she asked!!) and be helpful when it works for you with the kids, but not to put your life on hold waiting to be included. " @Karen Yes, exactly. I had really made progress with the empty nest thing and letting go- and then we had to move here due to hubster's job changes. That started the whole process over on a new level, lol! But yesterday reaffirmed that very stance- that we live our lives and like them with us, they are secondary. Beautiful secondary, but yeah.
((Hugs)) very hard when we deal with adult children. We only have one grandchild, who lives 1300 miles away so we are watching her grow through FaceTime. BUT when she was born we were told noone could come and see her for six weeks! Ouch that hurt. BUT the reason she did that was understandable to me. It was before the 6 weeks too that she allowed us to come so we were excited! Now my son And his wife have alot of boundaries up in the years they have been married we have been invited to their home only 2 times. BUT they do just drop in here for visits so Im happy about that. I WILL not push myself on my grown childrens lives BUT yes it does hurt when they seem to ‘forget’ about you in their daily life. I had a girlfriend who said I should do this or that BUT who wants their relationship with one of your children being by demands? That isn’t a loving one.
But what do you do in the opposite direction when you want the In-Laws more in your life and they don't seem to value family connections the same way? So completely different that what I'm used to with the closeness of my family, (or at least my dad's sides closeness). I'm heartbroken for you all that you aren't feeling included in such important milestones. That's the worst feeling and one that really can't be forced in discussions because it always seems to make things worse when no one else understands where you're coming from. All my love to each of you awesome women!!!!
Man...I'm so, so sorry. Sending you and Anne some hugs. P.S. I wouldn't clean their home either. Not your job. I have the exact opposite problem in that I wish my mom wanted to spend more time with her grandkids. I feel like the only time she sees them is if we initiate. I think that because we don't really 'need' her as a babysitter, she just doesn't put forth the effort. Makes me sad for my kids because she is the only blood grandparent they have.
I'm sorry that you're hurt, @AJK. If this has been going on for 7 years, though, you can't be surprised. For some reason, your DIL is not a great person/DIL and your DS is unwilling to stand up to her (best case) or agrees with her (worst case). I know that is a hard pill to swallow but it's the truth. You'll just continue to torture yourself if you continue to expect them to act differently than they have "always" acted. The best indication of future behavior is past behavior, KWIM? Grown people, even ones we love, are fully capable of changing their behaviors (if they choose) or facing the consequences of not changing. You can certainly be open to having a relationship with them in the future but it seems like now you need to take care of yourself. I, personally, would have a very difficult time having a relationship with anyone who threw objects at me when I came to their home regardless of their reasoning/justification for doing so. There is some anecdote on FB about a man who gives a homeless man some money and the person he is with says something like, 'That man is probably going to spend that on drugs or alcohol!' The man says, 'What he does with that money is a reflection of his character. What I do with my money when I have the opportunity and means to help is a reflection of mine.' I think that is very applicable in your situation.
@carrie1977 Carrie- I understand that too. My Mom is terrific. Never expresses an opinion unless asked by her adult children. But when my son was small, she said she didn't want to babysit him, "he is too busy". I thought that was sad. They didn't go to the special functions at school except graduation. And we lived 25 minutes away most of those years. So our son doesn't know my parents, which I feel is such a loss, for him and for them. Some things can change with prayer, but it is always up to the person as we have been given a free will. That's the one thing God won't violate. @LeeAndra Our DIL actually IS a great person. She and I have a lot in common, so much that it makes me chuckle when I discover yet another thing. I am not sure she realizes it yet. She is new to being an adult, new to motherhood, and new to being a daughter in law. My Mom had the best counsel; she is a person recovering from a deep hurt who is acting like a daughter ( responding to and wanting closeness with her family) and not yet like a daughter in law. And I will not share the issue, but suffice it to say that I have NO idea how anyone overcomes what she has experienced and is able to function. So, despite my hurt, I will not hurt back. She has come a long way since we met- and at that time I did not know her story. "Hurt people hurt people" is most applicable in this situation- but I strive to be an exception to that rule. I will not let hurt define me or my relationships. I just needed to express this yesterday and after doing so was able to process it better.
UPDATE: Ezekiel Riley was born at 2:35pm today! 7lbs 12 oz. THANK YOU for your thoughts and more for your prayers!!! We got a text after supper asking if we would like to come to the hospital at 8:00-after they had moved to a regular room. We were really glad! So once again I am reminded that the first response to any situation should not be to panic. I. Knew. That.( face palm). And I also know that God can move if we let Him. Thank y'all for being such a great community.
Awww - what a cutie! She could’ve just been scared about the whole thing. I’m so happy you got to go to the hospital!
I'm so sorry for the stress and hurt! That would hurt me extremely too! I tried for a number of years to be closer with my MIL. Her daughter wasn't the nicest or supportive of her mother, so I was on egg shells. I tried, was always pleasant, went out of my way, but she never really put the effort. So, I've stepped back. I let her dictate our relationship. I don't push, and we aren't close. Oh well, her loss. Congrats and I'm so glad you were able to visit!
