fruitysuet

MOC Day 11 - Tell Me A Story - This Is My Personal Truth

MOC Day 11 - Tell Me A Story - This Is My Personal Truth
fruitysuet, Jan 17, 2021
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Mixed Media Monthly Jan 2021
Ripped paper template by The Nifty Pixel
Font The Great Escape

I CAN’T REMEMBER BEING HAPPY

As sad as it is to say, it’s even sadder living it.

I know when the depression hit hard. It was very early on in my pregnancy with Mia. I don’t know why, whether it was just a chemical/hormonal change, but my mood just dived. It wasn’t just sadness – why would I be sad, I was happy to be pregnant. It wasn’t just the physical effects – I’d been through them all twice before and knew what to expect. It was something deeper, something more irrational. Something totally soul destroying.

I was crying all of the time. I couldn’t even do the supermarket shop without having a breakdown halfway through and having to leave the trolley there and then.

I went to the doctor but he didn’t know what to suggest. I don’t think he even knew that depression during pregnancy was a thing and there were no words of comfort or any ideas of what to do to ease it, just the thought that it was hormonal and would resolve itself once the baby was born. Well, it didn’t. Not by a long shot.

Mia wasn’t a typical baby and her development was slow and poor and I worried about her constantly. I struggled to get anyone to take me seriously until she started school, when she was tested and speech therapy planned.

All the while I was struggling with Chiara. She just didn’t cope with disappointment at all and she was just impossible to deal with, whether through bribes, threats or reasoning. Thankfully school helped again with some joint therapy.

Then Mia started having seizures. More tests and a devastating diagnosis that would have repercussions on our lives for years (if not for ever, we have to see).

Around the same time, I discovered that Len had gambled on the stock market to such an extent that we were to be made bankrupt. His lies and deceit and lack of apology or even acknowledgement that he had made a mistake were just too much. I couldn’t face him, but I was trapped financially so couldn’t leave him either.

Just getting through the day was a huge achievement for me. I cried constantly. I couldn’t find joy in anything, only darkness. The absolute depths of darkness that is impossible to describe. I would go to bed at night and wish so hard that I would never have to wake up again.

Then one day, when dropping the kids off at school, I broke down, there and then in reception, in front of everyone. I wasn’t even embarrassed. I was just so exhausted with living that I had no space for any other feeling. The head teacher, Mrs Webster, drove me home and sat with me for an hour or so. She rang the doctor and made me an appointment, the appointment where they give you “the questionnaire”, the one which made it blatantly obvious I needed help.

I was put on anti-depressants and they made such a difference within a short space of time. No, they didn’t make me happy. What they did do was enable me to cope with the day to day. Over time the wishing I didn’t have to wake up the next day subsided and I was able to join in with life to a certain extent. I also had a few therapy sessions. I wasn’t sure what to expect and for the most part all I did was cry through them. The one thing that she said though which really helped was that I had made a decision; everyone around me didn’t understand why I didn’t leave Len. I managed to verbalise my reasoning to the counsellor and yes, she validated that I had made a decision that felt right for my family at the time.

There have been so many other set-backs in my life, as there are in anyone’s. I haven’t had any length of time to become less emotionally exhausted with one thing or another. Mia’s diagnosis and the problems she faces; Josh’s withdrawal from, not only society, but from us.; mum’s cancer and my dad’s deteriorating health as well as their deteriorating relationship; Len’s cheating, divorce pending and having to continue to live with him through it all. The fear of having to start life again, finding a new home and all the financial worries which go along with it. And now Coronavirus. Even for someone as socially introverted as myself, almost a year of isolation from family and co-workers has put me into another downward spiral.

Somehow, I have carried on with life, like you have to when you have got children and a home and a job, but I don’t have the energy to look forward to a new life. It takes all I have just to live the one I have right now.
chastml likes this.
    • StefanieS
      So sorry for all that you have faced, dealt with and are still dealing with. You are such an overcomer, resourceful, resilient and able to face and deal with really hard things.
      I salute you.
      Jan 17, 2021
    • bonnenuit
      Having dealt with depression myself, I commend you for having the courage to share your story.
      Jan 17, 2021
    • bestcee
      Thank you for sharing such a personal part of yourself. Depression is a hard thing, and when you have no time or energy to recover, it makes it harder. I hope that things will start to be more okay for you. One of the best things someone told me was "It's okay to not be okay". That permission was something I needed. Thanks for playing in my challenge!
      Jan 23, 2021
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  • Category:
    Month of Challenges 9
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